Disclaimer: Outside of those specifically credited, these are public domain to the very best of my knowledge.
Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older. One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay. Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in an academic journal.
His cooperative efforts have been limited.
Some doubt that he wrote it himself.
He may have created the world, but what has he done lately?
The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
He rarely came to class and just told students, "read the book."
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students.
His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.
It was inconsistent and had many errors.
It was sexist.
It contained detailed sexual references
It contained descriptions of Satanic-like rituals and blood sacrifices.
Report card for Christ, Jesus H.
(Real name: Yeshua ben Nazaret)
SubjectGrade
Art
B
Obviously has imagination and creativity. A good potter - a little primitive at times.
Combined Science
D
Lacks discipline. Constantly argumentative, even when the facts clearly contradict him.
English
D+
Cannot read/write. Not only does he speak in obsolete, ambigious languages but also seems intentionally vague and mystical.
Geography
C-
Top marks on 'Desert Lifestyle' speach but poor in all other areas.
History
A
Seems to already have studied ancient history, very good.
Humanities
D-
Student has not developed their opinions or morality, appears retarded.
Mathematics
F
Lacks basics. Cannot see that "3" cannot be "1" and vica versa. Refuses to accept anything other than 30/10 for the value of pi. Sometimes quotes Kings 7:23 and 2 Chronicles 4:2.
Practical Studies
D
Is sexist, and refuses to learn skills that he feels women should do. Cannot make bread to save his life! Keeps missing out the yeast...
Music & Drama
B+
A keen, energetic member of the choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.
Physical Education
C
Has fallen out with the Swim instructor. An investigation is looking into claims made by the instructor. Poor at teamwork.
Religion
D
Could not get over the immature statement that his Dad created the world. Refuses to consider other religious beliefs.
COMMENT: Jesus is at the center of more than a few gang-investigations, as he appears to be of considerable influence within popular, unstable and violent gangs. Violent towards those who disagree with him. Constantly displays anti-semitic sentiment.
Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone!It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!," screamed Satan.
God shrugged and said,
"Jesus Saves"
Kids Interpret the Bible
The following statements are said to have been written by
actual children and have not been retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Jesus and Elvis
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't."said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?"persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 43 years."
Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, and please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're all gonna be in a big mess.
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.
