VirusHead

Contagious Thoughts, Mutating as Needed

Jehovah’s Witness Jokes

| 21 Comments

Back by popular demand – the newly-edited, modifed, and updated Jehovah’s Witness humor page! This was the only collection of JW jokes on the internet, and even if there are others now, it is certainly the first.

I had taken it down for a while because of all the vicious hate mail I was receiving. However, I think it is still a valuable early step for former JWs to be able to get some measure of amusement and distance, and this is a good tool for that. In every joke, there is a grain of truth and an exaggeration – so those with a sense of humor will enjoy it.

I have been emailing the pdf version to about 50 people a month, and I really don’t have time to do that anymore. So, I have simply emphasized that my privacy policy states that I may publish your comments at my discretion – although I do protect privacy by not listing last names, email addresses and the like. If you wish to display your true colors, so be it.

If you would like to see my serious writing on the Witnesses, the best place to start is my advice page – from which there are links to a recommended books page, a list of other online resources, JW news, and so on. Also, you may notice that I have a JW-related category on this blog (see the right-hand column to get the current listing).

Enjoy the jokes!

Author: VirusHead

Interdisciplinary questioner, contextual ethicist, discourse analyst, compassionate warrior, spiritual eclectic, knowledge leader, former academic, ex-Jehovah's Witness, writer, poet, artist, singer, mom, wife, lover, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, dear friend, supporter, champion, worthy adversary, and very talented loafer. And that doesn't say anything much at all, does it?

21 Comments

  1. I just KNEW there was going to be a lightbulb joke in the series! And I wasn’t disappointed!

  2. Now what kind of a joke collection would it be without a light bulb joke?

  3. REASONING WITH THE SISTERS
    Introductions…
    CURRENT EVENTS
    “Good evening. My name is — —. I’m a brother from (name congregation). Did you see the TV news last night? . . . That report on (mention some current item of concern, but don’t talk about cars or sports), what do you think about it? . . . It is not unusual for sisters to be concerned about these issues, but I believe that we are living in a time when we should be getting to know each other better.” (Ask her to go out witnessing.)
    LOVE/KINDNESS
    “I have found many sisters are quite concerned about the lack of available brothers in the surrounding congregations. Do you feel that way too?… Why do you think this is the trend?… Did you know that I was interested in you?” (Explain the reason why.)
    WHEN SISTERS SAY: “I’M BUSY”
    “Hi. My name is — —. I wanted to discuss with you how we can get to know each other better. But I can see that you are busy (or about to go home). May we get together for lunch on Saturday after field service and discuss it further?”
    How You Might Respond To Potential Conversation Stoppers…
    “I’M NOT INTERESTED”
    “May I ask, do you mean that you are not interested in me or is it brothers in general that don’t interest you? I ask that because I have met many sisters who at one time were interested in brothers, but aren’t anymore because they think brothers are hypocritical (or they feel brothers are chauvinistic; or they feel brothers today are not spiritual enough, etc.). I don’t approve of such attitudes myself and if you get to know me I believe we could both look to the future with confidence.”
    OR
    “If you mean that you’re not interested in having another boyfriend, I can understand that. But more likely you are interested in your future. Can you see any prospect for a relationship in the future?”
    OR
    “Is that because you already have a boyfriend?… Tell me, do you think you will ever see a time when it will work out?… What seems to stand in the way?”
    “I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU”
    “Many sisters tell me that. Have you ever wondered why brothers like myself keep trying, even thought sisters generally may not be interested?”
    OR
    “I can appreciate that, because I used to feel the same way about a sister. But, just to be fair, I decided to listen to her. And I found out that I hadn’t been told the truth about her. Now we are good friends.”
    OTHER TIPS:
    Keeping good records is the key to following up and developing a study of each other in the future. Never ask if she got a chance to read the letters you wrote, instead, ask if she had any questions. Always mention that she could make a voluntary donation of time spent with you. Be sure to make definite arrangements to get together again… naming the date and time. And remember, give HER the chance to accept or refuse… we cannot pre-judge. Finally, if she refuses, it is not you that is being rejected, rather, it is your message of commitment.
    – COMING SOON –
    Insight On the Sisters… already seven volumes, and continuing to grow.
    Sisters – What Happens to Us When They Cry?
    Knowledge That Leads to an Everlasting Wife.
    Questions Old People Ask, Answers They Forget.
    & for you parents… You’re Youths – Getting the Most Out of Them

  4. The District Conventions are right around the corner. We all know that 85-90 percent of all scouting done is done here. This is a time for some SERIOUS discretion. I don’t want anyone walking around not knowing what they’re doing.

    Sisters, this is what you’ll be encountering:

    The Watchers – The ones who sit with binoculars during the whole convention and stare at you.
    The Fronters – The ones who give you this long story about how they’re ministerial servant, regular pioneer, etc. All the while you’re staring at a diamond stud in their ears.
    The Wallholderuppers – Now brothers, there’s nothing wrong with standing by a wall. But if you’re there when she arrives, when she goes to the bathroom in the morning, at lunch and in the afternoon, there’s a problem.
    The Annoyers – The guy who meets you on Friday and every time you pass him in the corridor, he’s calling your name and saying “HI!!”
    The Player – The guy who tries to get your number Friday, and by Sunday has tried to talk to all the girls.
    The Desperate One – The one who begins with, “Can I get your number?” You reply “No”, and then he proceeds to ask for every sort of communication to reach you (address, pager, cell, e-mail, etc.).
    The Fast One- The one who meets you on Friday, and by Sunday he’s trying to sit with you.
    The Gamer – The one who walks by you a few times, looking for your name on your lapel badge. Then, next time he passes by, he calls you by your name and says “Don’t I know you?”
    The Shy One – The one who has his boy tell you what he wants you to know.
    The Follower – The one who follows you all 3 days of the convention, but never says a word to you.
    The Talker – The one who meets you at the convention, then shows up at your hall for the very next meeting.
    The Liar – You find out later that he’s 30 years old, as been married 7 years, divorced for 1 year, is currently engaged, and still trying to talk to you.
    The O.G. – The ones you’ve seen the past 10 years, standing on the walls trying to talk to everyone.
    The “I’m Too Fine, So I Know You Want Me” Ones – Ones who approach you, but automatically think that you want them.
    The Skittle- The Brother who seems to have a suit in every BRIGHT color, with patent leather shoes and a belt to match.
    First Man- The Brother who always seems to have like 4 or five other body guards…I mean brothers with him all the time.
    The Rat Pack- The brothers that always “hang” together, goofing off and acting a mess till they spot you coming then they go into cool mood all of a sudden.
    The Narco’s- Narcoleptics I mean. The well-dressed brother who sits like 3 or four rows behind or in front of you, who removes his suit jacket before the session starts, places it in the seat in front of him, grabs his bible and places it on his right knee than proceeds to SLEEP through the WHOLE session!!!
    The Invisible one- The Brother you have seen for the past who-knows how many years at the convention. Well-dressed, approachable, qualified, great smile. You only see him once or twice during the whole three days and every time you see him, it’s for less than a second then he just seems to disappear, and you don’t see him again till next year when he does the same disappearing act. You never know where or when he’s
    going to show up, he’s just there and gone. And for some odd reason you just know you’re meant to have his last name. *sigh* Maybe this year!
    Chosen Ones- This brother has the same qualifications as the Invisible Brother, and you sit like maybe a row or two from him, just when you think it’s going to be a great 3 days seeing him, “she” walks up the steps and sits in the seat next to him. He’s taken! If it’s too good to be true, it’s not true!

    And last, but not least, we have:

    The Wanted Ones- These are the ones who have all the qualities you like, are the complete opposite of the guys mentioned above, but never approach you. The brother who always seems to be running around, suit jacket blowing in the wind on Ministerial Servant/Attendant “missions”, “assignments” or “investigations” EVERY TIME you see him, and can only manage to wave hello and flash a beautiful smile.
    WATCH OUT BROTHERS,

    Here’s your obstacle course:

    LIARS- these sisters say, “I would love to go to Bethel someday. I could definitely see myself as a pioneer when I’m married.” Meanwhile, you can’t help but to notice their tight-fitting dress with a slit beginning at the waist as they say it.
    $$$ISTERS- these sisters wear so much make-up that they cause riots with the sales reps at Macy’s. Her nails are so long that shaking her hand would be putting Jehovah to the test. The color of their hair is anything BUT the color of THEIR hair (grape-ity purple, lemony yellow, and blueberry blue) IF THAT IS THEIR HAIR. And she thinks she is the finest thing in the Coliseum. (BROTHERS count every item of gold or platinum jewelry she has on. That ‘s ONE JOB PER ITEM to provide for her.)
    GIGGLERS- this group of girls chooses a particular spot at the convention site and proceeds to laugh as though they heard the most hilarious joke, so that brothers can come over to them to find out what they were laughing about.
    “GIFTED” SISTERS- These sisters claim to have the “gift of singleness” meanwhile they have given their phone number, e-mail, pager#, etc., to at least 5 brothers and they know where/when every gathering in the tri-state area is being held- both English AND Spanish.
    FAKERS- these sisters are on a more, shall we say, PSYCHOTIC level than the GIFTED ones. These sisters refuse to get married NOT EVER. EEEEEVVERRR! They speak of this divinely established arrangement as though it was a curse, and those seeking to get married will not survive Armageddon. And the brother, WHO SHE JUST GAVE HER NUMBER TO, must feel the same way.
    BABY’S MAMA SISTERS- instead of being straight-forward about her child, this sister will keep her child with her parents, relatives, or say it’s a sibling, until the engagement ring finally comes around.
    STALKERS- these sisters/possibly worldly girls, rather than sit attentively and take notes during the meeting, view the convention meeting as the perfect time to pass notes about a particular brother in the area. They use binoculars to see where his seat is and when he leaves. Their friends are positioned in different areas of the arena, each equipped with cell phones and 2-way pagers. And it is just coincidence that everywhere the brother goes, THERE SHE IS. Do you introduce yourself, or inform the attendants that you are in possible danger?!

    What you’re looking for…

    SHULAMNITE MAIDENS- this sister is PLATINUM personified marriage material.
    She is modest, takes notes during the convention meetings, volunteers in any way that she can, keeps her association balanced, is attractive while not being provocative, and is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of all the sisters mentioned. She is the one that “wanted brothers ” would cut their right arm off for just to say “hi”. Unfortunately, the “wanted” brothers are just too busy to say hi.

    So when you sisters, AND JUST YOU SISTERS, see us taking care of the garbage at the conventions; with an attendant badge on, trying desperately to balance our attention between the talks and the sister with 9-inch heels who is about to stumble down the stairs; regulating traffic in the corridors when we would love to be taking notes; staying 3 hours after the convention has ended to clean the whole site; canvassing the parking lot in the HOT weather to protect your cars, etc. come over and just say “hello”. Commend us for sacrificing our time so that you could have an enjoyable and safe weekend at the District Convention. Invite us to your local meeting. Or …………. Go talk to the brothers who have been leaning against the walls of the corridors for all three days. Hey…they can’t ALL be disfellowshipped

  5. I just found this post again – thanks so much Andrea! Those are terrific!

  6. Please never write anything that would hurt my feelings and other. We have not caused any harm. I AM Jehovah witness.

  7. Elizabeth – The humor is not to hurt your feelings, but to heal the feelings of those who have been treated unjustly by the organization. Every joke has a grain of truth, and an exaggeration or a misdirection or some cognitive dissonance. That’s how humor works.

    I did not include every joke I had.

  8. sinnie winnie you should try not to say that and do sins but winnie the poh do sins so sinnie winnie jehovah witness r cool i need to talk to them more but who’s asking thanx for being friendly people you kingdom doers

  9. I am studying with Jehovah’s Witnesses and believe whole heartedly that Jehovah’s Witnesses have THE TRUTH. I have heard a couple of jokes about JWs that I think are really funny and not meant to be lies or hurtful. I think they are humorous although a bit exaggerated and sometimes true. Like the one about finding Bin Laden. There was a joke on tv one night where the host of the show said that the US government has spent billions of dollars trying to find Bin Laden with troops armed with weapons of mass destruction. They have been searching for Bin Laden for years and havent found him yet. He said if they send one JW, arm him with a bible and a couple of watchtowers and tracts and he would have found him in no time! This is funny to me because we all know how bold the JWs are when it comes to leaving no stone unturned or cave for that matter. I heard a really funny line in the movie “Throw Mamma From The Train” when Billy Crystal was trying to climb out of the train window and Danny Devito asked him what he was doing and he said, “what do you think I was doing… trying to place a Watchtower?”….. It’s comments like that that are funny because it shows what lengths a JW will do to serve Jehovah and “place a Watchtower”. Not only that, but Jehovah’s name is being mentioned, not in a bad light but in a humorous one. Jehovah has a sense of humor. As long as it isn’t disrespectful or a misrepresentation, I think it’s funny and the Sister I study with agrees.

  10. please dont say that the oganization has treated persons unjustly. we brother know the ” organization ” to be jehovahs spirit annointed channel. the slave is being directed by holy spirit from jehovah. dont you know? its a perfect organization run by imperfect people. 7 million and growing…..agape, math

  11. You(Jehova witnesses) tricked my mom into giving our house to you. I don’t get it what do you need our house for, by the way my mom stills pays like 150$ a week to you.

  12. Jehova(h) Hater? You hate god? Wow. Very bold of you to admit it so plainly. I commend you on your boldness. Course, I hope you reconsider before Armageddon roles around. Ouch.

    Hey VH. Gotta agree… they’re certainly are plenty of examples of injustice perpetrated by various brothers. Fortunately, we understand that those injustices are the fault of imperfect and often stupid people… and we have examples of the same right back to the garden of Eden. The fault, though, does not lie with Jehovah, his spirit, or his organization. Shoot, just look at the injustices perpetrated against Jesus… I don’t think anyone of the examples you could quote could compare. Having said that, we blame the religious leaders of the time. Nothing more. I don’t understand why anyone would need to look beyond the religious leaders who are clearly at fault in our day.

  13. these arent funny,you dont go round making jokes about other religion???
    not funny

    • Sure I do! Religion jokes are some of the most amusing jokes that exist! In any case, you’ve missed the point of my posting them. Read the introduction.

  14. I think that these jokes are hurtfull to jehovahs witnesses like myself, and feel that this site should be kept for personal use and not to make a joke board where people can right hate quotes or discriminating jokes on it, this is just a personal opinion of corse.

    • Then you’ve missed the point of my posting them. Read the introduction. Shouldn’t you be happy that you are being “persecuted” rather than whining about your missing sense of humor? This is not hate speech. Grow up.

  15. these jokes aren’t hurtful at all….im a black jehovah witness so I have to deal with jokes either way…black jokes can sometimes cause harm but these were fine…funny actually

  16. I loved this. And definitely agree that its necessary to handle something as serious as leaving the organization with a sense of humor. Being able to admit the very real quirks and flaws in an organization that was formerly the entirety of your life’s structure is vital if you’re to move on and find some semblance of closure from that time in your life. that’s been my experience, anyway.

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.


Powered by sweetCaptcha


Recent Posts: