Update on Nicolette’s Death
I’ve got a little bit more information about my friend Nicolette’s death.
You might have been able to tell from my post – even in my frenzied grief – that I was very much afraid that her death was a suicide. I knew her very well, knew what she had been trying to navigate, knew what she had to look forward to, and … frankly, it made sense in a lot of ways.
But our friend Prema pointed out that it was just so hard to believe that she wouldn’t at least have made provision for her animals… and I kept thinking that I just could not imagine her not having a final speech, note, or something.
I have since heard from her ex’s sister that the coroner thinks that Nicolette had an aneurysm and hit her head when she fell. She lived alone, and no-one would have known anything was wrong right away. If she had a concussion too, she wouldn’t have been conscious. If the aneurysm led to a stroke, she might have died quickly. I hope that one or more of her animals snuggled nearby. I hope that she wasn’t conscious. I hope she wasn’t scared.
I don’t know any more than that. Maybe she could have been saved with immediate treatment. Maybe that would have been worse. Who knows?
This new information opens up an entirely different set of concerns if this is how she died. After all, we’re the same age.
I am still very sad that I didn’t talk with her more often in the last few weeks, but it’s a different kind of regret. It is really incredibly selfish of me to feel any relief at all, but I have to admit that if suicide were ruled out it would be a better thing for my own psychology.
I would also be relieved in another way to know for sure that she didn’t simply give up and kill herself. She’s fought so long and so hard, and in so many ways that some didn’t know or really understand. It means a lot to me to be able to remember that about her.
Dear Heidi,
The death of a friend, particularly one afflicted with a mental disease, almost always leaves us asking questions about the quality of our relationship. I remember asking myself, if I had called more often, been more supportive and so on and so on. I guess its natural for us to blame ourselves when someone we loved and cared for is gone. I’m glad that you are relieved of the burden of her possibly committing suicide, I wasn’t so lucky. Nevertheless, now is your time to mourn and say goodby to your friend. I hope you create a memorial or have a leave taking ceremony, it really helps,.
Do be kind to yourself,
Love,
Elainna
Sorry to hear about your friend, Heidi. My mom died much the same way 14 years ago. I’m still not sure if she committed suicide, and I’ll never be sure.
Hang in there. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty for not calling, etc.
I don’t really know what else to say, but hang in there.
-T
I know about the guilt. I still feel it, whether I should or no. Should is such a useless word.
Waves of healing energy to you, my friend. She is at peace and would want you to be so, too.
gbreez’s last blog post..Re the Torture “Experiement”
Heidi, you were and still are a great friend to Nikki. I am sure she loved the talks and support you gave her, I know that I do. You are a very loving and giving person, and it shows. I believe what is going to happen will, and while we can change, we cannot control our final destiny. We will begin to see more of our friends going now, the years are starting to catch up with us! But never think that you did not affect her thoughts, or give her solace. I know for me, just knowing that I have friends (like you) to count on, to go to, to help me sort out things, makes a world of difference. I hope too that she had a quick and easy passing. Having lived thru both my parents passing, one quick and sudden and one drawn out, I think I prefer the quick. It is a shock, but they do not suffer. I am sure her animals were with her and helped her. I think she is up in heaven smiling down and at rest with her Mom. Love and hugs across the miles, Mary
I’m so honored to receive this wave of support.
Elainna – I’m so sorry about your friend, and about the residual feelings you have about it. Sending you tons and tons of love! You are one of the most amazing, caring, dedicated people I have met online. I feel certain that there is nothing more that you could have done, but my heart goes out to you in empathy. You’re right about the memorial – we’re putting together a memory book…
Tony – So sorry about your mom. My husband lost his mom the same way too, and I think when you feel that there isn’t a complete explanation, it’s harder to make peace. I send wishes that you find yours.
Gbreeze – My sister of the gentle breezes – you already know. Waves back to you in a shimmering circuit.
Mary – You are the only friend from home that I’ve actually known longer than Nicolette – isn’t it funny that we had all become these seriously liberal gals? It is so comforting to read your comment. Can you believe that I saw her within days of seeing you? It is so hard to believe that this could have happened. Hugs… I love you, sweetie. Hugs to the fam for me (save some of those cinnamon apples for me).
I’m grateful for the relief you feel about this situation. Mental illness is such a difficult journey…for those afflicted and those who love them as well. You are in my thoughts Heidi.
traci’s last blog post..on the lighter side
Heidi,
I am also an old friend of Nikki’s from high school. I googled her name today because she was on my mind and I found this post. I’ve struggled with alot of the same guilty feelings since I got the call in February. I loved her but she could be hard to love sometimes.
I was happy to see the picture of you both smiling.
Be well.
Katie