VirusHead

I give up. I’ve been totally inundated by requests from my Facebook friends to post this meme. I’ve done “random things about me” posts before, but as Darrell points out, they were posted too long ago now to use as an avoidance mechanism. So, here are 25 new ones:

1. I am fascinated by faces. The mindful, authentic, observant face-to-face encounter might be the essential ingredient in most relationships – and certainly the test of most ethics and “values.” The very definition of pathology for me is someone who can look you in the eye, see your soul, and then still hurt or kill you.
2. I’m not adjusting to getting older very well. When I look at my face in the mirror, it doesn’t look like me and I feel a bit alienated and depressed. But at the same time, I love to see the changes in the faces of people I love. This last year, it was an amazing experience to go to my high school reunion and to see the faces of people that I’ve known since I was a child. The recognition-within-difference really touched me very deeply.
3. I do miss some aspects of other times and places in my life, but overall there is more kindness and caring and love and meaning in my life now than ever before. Sometimes that kind of stuns me.
4. Sometimes the only thing that will motivate me to attack my list of things to do is the prospect of being rewarded with some time alone in which I’m not required to do anything in particular. I’m a fierce guardian of that dreamtime – no obligation, rich imagination. My thoughts travel on their own -and mix up and ferment and rearrange and become resonant and meaningful. Not only is this ultimately the source of every major insight I’ve ever had, but without it, I wouldn’t be me to myself. My secret world is the heart of who I am.
5. I love to socialize, but it totally exhausts me. This is partially because I tend to overcompensate in various ways for my introversion. Later, I usually feel that I’ve not listened enough to others. I curse this recurring and almost irresistible urge to try to be amusing and likable and clever. It takes a lot of energy, I’m not very good at it, and I know that I should just zip it a lot more often than I’m able to do.
6. I’m still looking for my ideal pair of shoes – the shoes that don’t hurt my feet, that look gorgeous but have a heel of less than an inch, that are strapped or tied over my incredibly high arch and don’t let my tiny heel slip out, but that are wide enough at the front not to smoosh my toes or put pressure at the widest part. These mythical shoes would be perfect for any occasion and any outfit. I could wear them with jeans or a cocktail dress. Let me know if you find them. I suspect they have to be black.
7. I can’t let go of my books. I have too many, but I can’t let go of them. Even the Karl Barth.
8. My spiritual beliefs and practices are at once so eclectic and yet oddly inflexible that I doubt I’ll ever be a member of a religious community. I have the strangest things on my alter.
9. I’m almost absurdly grateful when I feel like someone I like “gets” me.
10. I miss the kind of cheerful feminism represented by such songs as Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman” and the tv theme song for Wonder Woman. Although I love the angry music and the whiny music, too, I wonder what happened to that soaring sense of confidence.
11. My energy level is never very predictable. I never know how productive I’m going to be. I work in very efficient spurts, but then I’m overwhelmingly fatigued. This can be measured in hours or in days. When I feel exhausted, I tend to become a bit reclusive. I still think of the couple of weeks that I had to be on corticosteroids (for systemic poison ivy) with a lot of fondness, because it gave me just enough of that little extra adrenaline boost to let me feel like I imagine many people do most of the time.
12. I like to take a walkabout from time to time. I love to travel alone. I used to disappear into the woods for a week, but that’s neither possible nor even really desirable anymore.
13. It’s kind of predicable – and I don’t blame anyone for rolling their eyes – but our son Ben really is the most beautiful sweet smart amazing kid ever. I hope he continues on his own path – just the way he is already doing.
14. The greater percentage of what I write is still never read by anyone but me.
15. I would prefer to die in a manner and a moment of my own choosing. Skydiving would be the ideal, and although I don’t have to ride down on a missile like in Dr. Strangelove, I can understand the appeal.
16. I love the moon, and I love to sing to the moon and to the night sky, especially if the songs are actually about the moon and sky and stars. Some favorites: Sister Moon, Sting; Fingernail Moon, Annie Lennox; Sisters of the Moon, Fleetwood Mac; Goodnight Moon, Shivaree; Stars, The Weepies; Galaxy Song, Monty Python; In the Deep, Bird York; Small Blue Thing, Suzanne Vega – and for some reason, Strawberry Fields.
17. I’ve finally come to terms with the reality that I’m never going to be a Jungian analyst, a comparative mythologist, a well-known poet, a best-selling novelist, or an accomplished singer. I doubt I’ll ever play the piano like Tori Amos.
18. I love paranormal romance novels – especially those involving vampires or fae. John (the hubby) is amused by this and often teases me about my “porn collection.”
19. I don’t often wear perfume, but when I do it’s usually either a vanilla-musky Must de Cartier or a combination of lavender, mandarin, lemongrass, and bergamot. One drop of either is enough to alter my experience of the world for hours. I hope other people like it too, but that’s not really as important.
20. I have twice had the opportunity – and twice refused – to swim in the Mediterranean.
21. I deal with melancholy much better than I deal with anger. You can try to make me depressed if you must, but don’t piss me off. I’m not easily angered at all, but hell hath no fury like a Heidi-grr.
22. The thing that most infuriates me is the sense of powerlessness I feel when I want to somehow make everything all better for someone who is suffering. I can be very empathetic, but at a certain point I feel like a minor prophet waving my fist at the sky. That’s when I most need a little alone time to breathe and reorient myself.
23. When I was younger, I used to be petrified – really petrified – that the people I love would be killed. I had nightmares about my brothers (most of all my brothers) and other relatives, and my son and husband, and some of my dearest friends, and even a couple of my teachers. The worst part of the dream was always that they might have been saved if only I had done one little thing differently. After my Dad died, these nightmares went away. I don’t know why that happened, but I’m grateful.
24. I do often dream about my Dad. He’s different in my dreams than he was in reality, but it still helps – or maybe that’s why it helps.
25. I don’t know whether or not I can still pet a fuzzy honeybee until it goes to sleep in the palm of my hand. I haven’t seen one of those bees in years. I miss the lilacs too.

And here are the old ones:

• 8 Random Facts about VirusHead – December 2007
• VirusHead Random 8 – June 2007
• 5 Weird Things about Me – July 2006
• Meme Me Me – November 2005

This is the kind of feedback that makes it all worthwhile. Thank you for responding, and best wishes to you on your journey!

Until recently, I was just an ex-JW. But now I’m really trying to become a recovering JW. I realized that as soon as I was df’d, I just threw myself into a frenzy of activities and poor choices, with no real direction. I think I was trying to stay busy so I’d forget about it all. But about a month ago, it all came crashing down, and for the first time, I have time to think about the effect it’s had on me. I made a firm decision to get better and stop hurting myself, but I wasn’t sure where to begin. I started meditating on it and talking to some friends about the matter, but of course, no-one that hasn’t been in the situation seems to be able to wrap their head around the idea – much less empathize. I got more frustrated and started scouring the internet for some kindred souls…

The conclusion I came to is this: 90% of ex-JWs are either not trying to move on with their lives, or doing it in a very unhealthy way. I’m sick and tired of hopping from page to page on the web and reading rants and raves of individuals df’d 30 years ago – still b*tching about elder so-and-so like it was yesterday. I’m sick of all the postings that positively ooze bitterness and hard feelings. Even worse, I’m becoming painfully frustrated at all of the “reformed” christians that frequently seem to spawn out of ex’s. It seems like everybody is screaming to jump on the bash-the-JW’s bandwagon – but only as part of an aggressive marketing strategy for their new church. For example, my non-JW grandmother introduced me to a friend that was df’d many years ago, in the hopes that this person would be able to encourage me. But this person really does not care at all about me. All I hear about is how I should attend this person’s church and that jesus will magically take away all the pain! I’m really tired of being alienated even from the people I should have so much in common with.

I’m young, totally over religion for now, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I know I have problems and I think it would help immensely to find people who have the correct, and healthy view on being an ex jw. I have a few basic beliefs about growing up as a jw that I’m trying to stick to right now:

1. That it’s a traumatic and damaging way to grow up, and even more painful to deal with once you break free from it.
2. That being an ex-jw is like being the child of alcoholic/abusive parents – it causes problems throughout life that will need to be identified and dealt with.
3. That the damage caused by being an ex jw has absolutely nothing to do with an individual learning false doctrines, and therefore cannot be fixed simply by finding another church whose teachings you agree with. People get hurt by the practices, not the beliefs!!
4. That there’s a balance to be found between learning from your experiences and dwelling on them. And it is absolutely worth it to recover and go on to live a happy life!

Tonight I read your blog “advice for recovering JW’s“, and I really think you’ve gotten the most out of your experience. It was so refreshing to finally discover that someone can reach out to other people that are hurting, without sounding like an enraged lunatic, or having alterior motives. The writing is logical, and hints at a wisdom and patience acquired from learning a lot of tough lessons. It helped me so much to finally identify my self destructive habits I’ve been carrying with me! You also made some great suggestions for channeling negative feelings into positive endeavors. Thank you so much for taking the time to share some of the things you’ve learned in this life with others! I only wish that every ex jw had your same determination to get better.

Any time you feel like sharing more helpful advice please do so. Thanks to a very wise friend, and your blog, I now have an idea of what I need to do to stop destroying all the good things in my life. Now I just need people to be there for support. If what I said in this email makes sense, please don’t hesitate to write back and share some of your experiences with me. I feel like I’m about to begin a long journey; and it sure would be nice to get tips from someone who’s already well on their way. Thanks again-I will definitely be checking out the rest of virushead in the near future.

It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that I’ve had real trust in my President.

What an odd thing.

Ooooooo, I despise Gantt charts. I’m trying to figure out timelines and tasks and resources and milestones, and I just keep thinking that this is the most ridiculous use of anyone’s time. Especially mine.

I’ve updated Gantt Project on my computer, and it’s not very friendly at all. It’s not the fault of the programmers. I’m sure they are totally fantastic, and I can’t complain about having a groovy open-source program to do this stuff. I’m just not sold on the value of spending all this time to do something that seems so obvious. Just make a list, delegate some tasks, and get to work!

I don’t know all the random things that will start popping up, so I’ll actually have to spend time updating the thing, too. Maybe daily. Oh brother.

The whole thing is so subjective. How should I know how long this particular task is going to take? How should I know the percent complete?

So I have an end date. And a begin date. And some milestones that I know.

I guess the trick would be to figure out which tasks can go on simultaneously, and which tasks are dependent on other tasks. That gives me a certain amount of parallel processing. But if some of the resources – the subject matter experts – the doers – are tasked on multiple things, then they’re probably not going to be working on many things at the same time. And then – they have other things to do, too. That can become political, since then you have to get decisions on priority.

There is an implicit methodology, but I don’t yet grasp its ins and outs – and I’m fairly sure that I don’t entirely agree with some of the premises.

To be valuable, it seems as though there should be a master resource database where common tasks have historical data on how long it actually takes to complete. Most of these things could be templated and conceptually modeled with a different system. Then there would be some mediating functionality to enter in whatever bits of data that you know have to be added and the chart would then be produced automatically. The chart is just a a graphical output.

I don’t think in terms of charts. That’s not my “learning style.” To work with charting as a tool seems wasteful – you’re always reinventing everything. I guess a real project manager would have the internal knowledge-base to make better charts, but my estimations are bound to be off. Nevertheless – here is the drop-dead date for the project. And here is the drop-dead date for delivery of the chart.

This is more subjective than grading essays, but it pretends to be some sort of hard data.

Usually I’m invigorated by learning new things, but this doesn’t interest me at all. This is like word problems with trains – I want to banish them forever.

Bah. It’s not that I can’t do it. If I couldn’t do it, it would just be a matter of some research and/or training to remedy the problem.

No, it’s worse than that because I don’t want to do it. Doing things I don’t want to do is incredibly difficult for me. That sounds so childish, I know. We all do things we don’t want to do all the time. I’ve got to unjam this wall of resistance now. Otherwise, I’ll be up all night fighting it and I’ll make life unnecessarily harsh for myself. So I’ve got to trick myself into doing it instead of focusing on that dread in my stomach.

This brings me back to the days of writing my dissertation. Not to be TMI, but menstrual cramps are not helping the situation.

Maybe I’ll just chart out the tasks as a plain old list, where I can rearrange everything and figure out the task dependencies, and then just transfer that to the program as the last step. Some background music might help with that. I can be enjoying my last weekend day – and enjoying the fact that because I have to do this, I don’t have to do some other stuff that otherwise I would be doing – and make it as painfree as possible.

Sounds like a plan.

But…. ooooooooooh, I hate Gantt charts.

In my new daily planner, I made a list yesterday of the things I need to do. They are roughly in order of priority:

1. Get a present for my nephew
2. Go to my nephew’s birthday party
3. Learn how to use Gantt Project
4. Create a master plan with timeline, resources, and subtasks for work
5. Take down the Christmas tree – yes, really
6. Get an oil change for my car
7. Do laundry
8. Call Mom and Gramma
9. Pack away the clothes I’m not wearing
10. Clean the house
11. Install new light fixtures at the front door
12. Pack up some kid clothes to send off for my other nephew
13. Pack up some books for Mom and Gramma
14. Pack up some books to bring to work
15. Get a new filter for the furnace
16. Measure the screen door to replace it
17. Empty the calcium crystals out of the faucets and showerheads
18. Get an estimate from plumber: three new toilets, water pressure issue
19. Pick out the flooring for the kitchen
20. Pick out the paint for the kitchen
21. Buy the paint for the kitchen
22. Paint the kitchen
23. Buy the kitchen flooring
24. See if I have any barter-strength left from freelancing
25. Tighten the screws on the back door
26. Get an estimate for non-fiberglass insulation
27. Pack up all the non-family items in the basement
28. Clean the basement Get the basement cleaned
29. Reorganize the garage
30. Reorganize the kitchen
31. See how much it would cost for broadband to be cabled in a couple more convenient places
32. Sell, give away, or toss all the stuff that needs to go away
33. Find out how much the hot tub repair might be
34. Flip the mattresses
35. Tally up lightbulb needs, buy, install
36. Watch The Prestige so I can finally get my next Netflix
37. See how much it would cost to replace the upstairs carpeting
38. Work on the novels
39. Read stuff I should read
40. Read stuff I want to read

So, for this weekend, I’ve done 1 and 6 already. I’ll do 2 shortly. 3, 4, 5 and 8 are non-negotiable and must be done.

Most of the rest of the stuff will probably not happen – again. Maybe the laundry and some cleaning, if I don’t get too tied up with the work stuff, or suddenly get inspired to write (that’s when it’s bound to happen).

There is a kind of a disconnect in my priority structure. I’m pretty selfish with my time, I guess.

See? I’m blogging when I have all this other stuff to do. I’m supposed to be at the party in 45 minutes, and I haven’t even taken a shower yet.

Better scurry.