The combination of nicotine withdrawal, chantix prescription medication, and the increased attention I’m spending to my own state of consciousness is all creating very strange thought-storms. I know that all of this will pass, and I know not to believe any of it or even to take it that seriously. This is where training in observing your own thoughts and emotions is very helpful.
Yes – I’m bracketing for my own protection, but there is no reason to spiral down as though any of this were real.
I imagine the voice as whispery – desperately calling me back.
“Smoke! Smoke! I’m your friend! You leave the room to be with ME! When you’re hungry, or angry or lonely or tired, here I am!!!”
Yes, there you are – HALT (thank you Bonnie) – so nom, nom, nom, stomp, stomp stomp, hug, hug, hug, nap-time.
“But with me, you feel like the dragon – wise and subtle. You are mildly transgressive by smoking, but not hurting anyone else. And it makes you feel—”
I know, I’ll miss that. A lot.
Then the voice is MY voice. I can’t reproduce the entire chant that got me home, but I fell into a sing-song negative rant. I tried to let the thoughts be spoken to help release them. Here’s a little sampling of what I remember – it was a constant stream…
(reee-me-owwwww, morphing into a deep double-sound chant, then) yah yah yah, nee nee, LAAAAAAA!
You don’t even know a thing
You don’t even know
ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING
NAH nah nah nah nah
Cuz I’m a girl, ain’t it
Blue collar RISING
SICK of it
SICK of HATE HATE HATE HATE
Sanctimonious self-righteous corrupt asshats!
Wadda ya think you’re gonna do about it?
YEAH, just be the crank, just be the crank
I shall wear purple? PURPLE?
Like royalty, like PRINCE?
What does it matter?
What’s the damn point?
Why do I even waste my time?
I don’t have the energy.
So tired, can’t do anything.
DO DO DO DO – la – DO DO DO
You are such a stupid little shithead
No imagination at all –
Dumb suburban undisciplined scatterbrain
Dumb dumb dumb dah dah dah dah DUMB
All that money wasted
All that reading just to be alienated
All that curiosity just to be faced with
COWS COWS COWS COWS
SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP
PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS
Yeah, yeah, FEM FEM FEM FEM
fem fem fem fem
fem fem fem fem FEM FEM fem fem
Everything’s a mess
People don’t really like me
I can’t keep my house clean
I have so much to do
I’m so TALENTED –
I’m so INTELLIGENT -
I’m such a waste of air.
WHY do I try?
I could give up like a ZEN MASTER
and back away and escape SUFFERING
and bathe in LOVE LOVE LOVE
But I hate those indoor voices
TOO DAMN soft! FAKE! FAKE!
Compassion! Yeah – TRYING! TRYING! TRYING ALREADY-YA!
Turn down the critic!
Turn down the intellectual!
You’re PUTTING US OFF…
OK – NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE
Then I can be WRITTEN OFF
Underestimated, then I’m
NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE
OH “YOUR” so SWEET!
Yeah? Well F*CK YOU!
I’m NOT SWEET!
I’m an ALIEN! A LEGAL Alien!
WEIRDO, different species.
Must be me.
Must be MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
So yeah, it took about 45 minutes to get home. It had been a trying day. The tears that followed restabilized me, and then I waved my arms up vaguely toward the clouds, as though some God(esses) would shoulder my dark side for me.
Still – the benevolent deities did do a nice thing. My son had lost his key in the bushes, leading to a series of issues and problems – but I got out of the car, walked over to the general area and walked right to the key and picked it up.
Key. Got it.
So – cravings are still pretty bad, but the morning is easier now. I’m irritable and agitated, can’t focus very well. Slightly nauseous, bloated. I got through the work week without any disasters.
I’m carried by the warmth of those who are supporting me in this and sending their hopes for my freedom. It matters – I’m not the stoic kind. I’m checking in with people I trust as an early warning system in case things need to be adjusted and I can’t see it. My mind is going places without me – but this too will pass.