Negativity Storm not to be taken seriously

And this is why I won’t be taking Chantix again…

The combination of nicotine withdrawal, chantix prescription medication, and the increased attention I’m spending to my own state of consciousness is all creating very strange thought-storms. I know that all of this will pass, and I know not to believe any of it or even to take it that seriously. This is where training in observing your own thoughts and emotions is very helpful.

Yes – I’m bracketing for my own protection, but there is no reason to spiral down as though any of this were real.

I know, I’ll miss that. A lot.

Then the voice is MY voice. I can’t reproduce the entire chant that got me home, but I fell into a sing-song negative rant. I tried to let the thoughts be spoken to help release them. Here’s a little sampling of what I remember – it was a constant stream…

(reee-me-owwwww, morphing into a deep double-sound chant, then) yah yah yah, nee nee, LAAAAAAA!

You don’t even know a thing
You don’t even know
ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING
IDIOT
NAH nah nah nah nah
Cuz I’m a girl, ain’t it
Blue collar RISING
SICK of it

SICK of HATE HATE HATE HATE
Sanctimonious self-righteous corrupt asshats!
Wadda ya think you’re gonna do about it?
YEAH, just be the crank, just be the crank

I shall wear purple? PURPLE?
Like royalty, like PRINCE?

What does it matter?
What’s the damn point?
Why do I even waste my time?
I don’t have the energy.
So tired, can’t do anything.

DO DO DO DO – la – DO DO DO
You are such a stupid little shithead
No imagination at all –
Dumb suburban undisciplined scatterbrain
Dumb dumb dumb dah dah dah dah DUMB

All that money wasted
All that reading just to be alienated
All that curiosity just to be faced with

COWS COWS COWS COWS
SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP
PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS

Yeah, yeah, FEM FEM FEM FEM
fem fem fem fem
fem fem fem fem FEM FEM fem fem

Everything’s a mess
People don’t really like me
I can’t keep my house clean
I have so much to do

I’m so TALENTED –
I’m so INTELLIGENT –
I’m such a waste of air.
WHY do I try?

I could give up like a ZEN MASTER
and back away and escape SUFFERING
and bathe in LOVE LOVE LOVE

But I hate those indoor voices
TOO DAMN soft! FAKE! FAKE!
Compassion! Yeah – TRYING! TRYING! TRYING ALREADY-YA!

Turn down the critic!
Turn down the intellectual!
You’re PUTTING US OFF…

OK – NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE
Then I can be WRITTEN OFF
Underestimated, then I’m
PERKY!
NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE

OH “YOUR” so SWEET!
I’m NOT SWEET!
I’m an ALIEN! A LEGAL Alien!

WEIRDO, different species.

Must be me.
Must be MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So yeah, it took about 45 minutes to get home. It had been a trying day. The tears that followed restabilized me, and then I waved my arms up vaguely toward the clouds, as though some God(esses) would shoulder my dark side for me.

Still – the benevolent deities did do a nice thing. My son had lost his key in the bushes, leading to a series of issues and problems – but I got out of the car, walked over to the general area and walked right to the key and picked it up.

Key. Got it.

I’m not the stoic kind. I’m checking in with people I trust as an early warning system in case things need to be adjusted and I can’t see it. My mind is going places without me – but this too will pass.

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1 Comment

  1. Bob Nelson

    I quit cigarettes after 30 years in 1991. I had no withdrawal symptoms! Previous attempts were like giving up food and water, but I was so tired of smelling like an old fireplace that I pulled out a “fag,” crushed it and the pack and threw them on the floor of my office. Everyone around me thought “Sure, sure.” They walked like there were eggshells on the floor by 17:00, and I had quit at 09:30 A.M. That night, I went for my beer and peanuts and they were the first trigger for a cigarette.

    So, I quit beer and cigarettes at the same time. After I approached 260 pounds three months later (from 210), I did use Nicorette, which nauseates me, to take off the excess weight, despite all the compliments of “how robust and healthy I looked.”

    That was the American perspective, where a 40-inch waist is healthy. I refused to go from a 38 to a 40-inch belt, and finally stopped the Nicorette (a blessing) at 210 pounds. I have rebounded to 220, but at my height, that is okay.

    Best of luck. Buy hours, or even minutes, if that is what it takes. I am going to be honest and tell you that it requires 30 days before you have your first forgetful day, where you realize that time passed without your thinking of nicotine. If you cheat, do not consider that to be a loss. Just don’t smoke again.

    I had quit in 1968, and a romantic Interlude got me started again in 1973. Now, I have a rule. I refuse to touch a cigarette — for any reason. Adopt that rule, and once you have quit, you will never start again.

    God bless.

    Reply

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