Huge moon in the sky. 97% full.
Day 12 of Quit Smoking Fest.
Status: Irritable, angry, feel like the cosmos – and a person here and there – is laughing at me, making this EVEN MORE DIFFICULT than it already is. One little passive-aggressive omission is enough to mess up my whole psyche right now. So FINE.
Yes – keeping to it, despite recurring themes of infuriation. In-fury. Harpies, valkyries, screeching ugliness inside.
Let go? Be angry? Be sad? Not even stable enough to decide.
Bad dreams – being chased, stealing a series of cars. One car had switches on the top of the dashboard for 32 speeds and a wheel tilted horizontal. Dreams on Chantix – vivid, hitting all the hot spots.
This bites. Hard.
Another week. In another week it will get easier.
Meanwhile – I’m not lovable. I’m a caged feline – with long, strong vicious claws. Keep away. Stay back. Leave me alone. Take off.
Every repetition, every hurt right now is likely to make me explode. I am unrepentant. I am flexible and I make way for others all the damn time. Right now I’m seething, and it doesn’t matter how damned stupid or inconsequential any of it is. Not one bit. Just – keep your damn distance.
I don’t have to be patient or kind or understanding or mature today. For today, I AM JUST NOT FAIR. Ok? Today, I don’t care about my carefully constructed edifice of contextual ethics based on empathy and compassion. Every day, like millions of other people, I face a world and a set of circumstances that isn’t fair. Nothing is fair. I’m never going to be that shining light upon the hill and I can’t fix a thing that’s wrong. So for today, I GIVE UP, already.
I only have an hour or so to be evil, and I’m staying home – and away from my husband and son.
We just watched “Man on a Ledge” and I was thinking it’s a good thing I can’t get any altitude tonight.
If all I can do is manage is not to have that cigarette I desperately, desperately want right now, that’s ALL I CAN DO.
I knew this would happen. I got through this far, through a couple of depressive swings, and a bunch of self-pity, and even one fairly self-destructive episode where I had to have been begging for some sort of psychological trauma even by entering the realm… and finally, all it takes is a simple little thing, a thing I should let pass, a thing that really doesn’t even matter – not really. I shouldn’t really even be surprised.
But that one little thing could be my undoing here. I just won’t let it. It doesn’t matter – I’ve gone through a hundred reloads today. I only have to get through a little while longer without a smoke.
Looking at the moon should help. But not tonight. Lasers and lightning bolts from my fingertips. Do you feel THAT, moon?