VirusHead

Bev – one of my very best friends ever – was so amused by my birthday narratives that she sent me this in the mail today. Hee-hee.

Phil's Idea (Bev 2009) Click to see

I was thinking of the court system because of the synchronicity of O.J. Simpson’s conviction date yesterday (Acquitted of murder on October 3, 1995; 13 years later, found guilty on October 3 2008), so I was pleased to pick up a lighter resonance in a post on Facebook by my friend Craig.

It made me laugh. So I’m just passing it along in case you could use a laugh, too.

These are said to be from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. The title is a little off. It looks to me that the title is Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History.

Imagine hearing these things actually said in court and taken down – word for word – for the court record.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh… I was gettin’ laid.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITN SS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dea d people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh…are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

My friend Troy just sent me this photo of a baby bear that he’s finally captured on film. Mama wasn’t nearby this time.

Awwwwww…….

Don’t worry, Darrell, you’re still my favorite bear – and thanks for the recommendation to visit RockOm. Love it!

Lady Fortune the Absurd of Greater Internetshire presents – Your very own eccentric British aristocratic title:

For my real name:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Entirely Miss Reverend Lady Heidi the Abrupt of Withering Glance Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

For my internet name:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Empress Virushead the Gnomic of Lardle St Earache Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

For a couple of my aliases:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Grace Lady Melody the Decent of Divine Intervention Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Reverend Countess Faelily the Blossoming of Mousehole by Sea Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Mommy brag warning!

Our son’s “Google doodle” made the cut and he is one of only six finalists at his elementary school to have the opportunity to enter the big Google contest.

The contest theme is “What if…”. The kids had a template of the Google logo, and then designed their own drawings around it.

At Google we believe in thinking big, and dreaming big, and we can’t think of anything more important than encouraging students to do the same. So we hope you’ll gather those art supplies and some 8.5×11 paper and encourage your kids to enrich us all with their creative visions of our world, as it is and as it might be.

The thing that has Ben most excited is the possibility that his drawing would be showing on the Google home page for a whole day. He didn’t make any big deal about being one of the six winners from his whole school. I love that kid so much.

His drawing has an underwater theme, with fishes in two of the letters.

There are other prizes for the winners, to wit:

The National Winner will win a $10,000 college scholarship to be used at the school of their choice; a trip to the Googleplex on May 21, 2008; a $25,000 grant towards the establishment/improvement of a computer lab for their current school; a laptop computer; and a t-shirt with their Google Doodle printed on it. Their doodle also will be displayed on the www.google.com home page for one day. The National Finalists who did not become the National Winner will win a laptop computer, a trip to the Googleplex on May 21, 2008 and a t-shirt with their Google Doodle printed on it. The 36 Regional Winners who did not become National Finalists will win a trip to the Googleplex on May 21, 2008 and a t-shirt with their Google Doodle printed on it. The 460 State Finalists who did not become Regional Winners will each receive a Doodle 4 Google certificate.

A trip to the Googleplex?!? Me! Me! I wanna go!