Political comedy email making the rounds…

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific
research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the
virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

(Thanks Corinne!)

I’ve been waiting a bit to comment on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. There are a lot of opinions out there, and I’m happy most of all that people are talking and writing and thinking about issues, humor and satire vs. criticism and insult, comedy as news, the role of a court jester, and so on.

Steve Bridges did a great imitation of Bush, and was obviously Bush’s own choice (for his own roast, he gets to choose?). I’ve heard that Bridges can do Clinton just as well. That was the light side of the dinner, although there were a couple of low-grade zings in that one, too.

But I have to say that I think Colbert’s performance was the more important. I did actually think much of it was funny, in the traditional way of a roast. As it went on, he transitioned through court jester, and went all the way to performative critique. The film clip of Colbert pretending to be the White House Spokesman forced the viewer to dwell in a fairly unpleasant space - it even made me a little anxious because of the genre of suspense, the music, the way it was drawn out. It was meant to make people squirm. It worked for that, but I could almost hear the pulse of a pounding vein in Bush’s own head by the end of it.

The video wasn’t funny - but it was performative, dramatic, and scathing in its depiction, and that was even better. Scott McClellan probably had the most right to feel attacked…. wasn’t that pretty much a depiction of him?

It focused on a single question, finally: Why did we really go to war in Iraq?

Helen Thomas herself - I swear I saw her wipe a tear. I was glad to see someone stand up for her, and for the questions she’s not been allowed to ask anymore despite her long history as the media hardnose to the President. And I was glad to see someone stand up for us, we who are being fed a bunch of hogwash propaganda day and night, straight from the White House to Fox News, etc.

Anyone who has watched the Daily Show or the Colbert Report would know what his humor was like. Remember, he was invited.

I fully expected Colbert to pull a Family von Trapp while the film clip was playing, but to my shock and admiration, he was still standing there at the end.

Thank you Stephen Colbert

The Speech Video

Stephen Colbert Musical Extravaganza

The Colbert Report

Colbert Clips on ifilm

Yes, I approve.

Why? Because I’m angry at his administration - Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, et. al. - as well as its bullied, corrupt, or spineless members of Congress, the controlled or cowardly media, and the American people themselves - who have allowed our country to be twisted and trampled into something it should never be. If we continue on this path, our future is dismal.

William Rivers Pitt puts it pithily (when angry, spitting and sputtering are common) - Why the anger?

Because millions of people are staggered by the idea that, yes Virginia, we have to go through this again. We have to watch soldiers slaughter and be slaughtered for reasons that bear no markings of truth. We have to watch the reputation of this great nation be savaged. We have to watch as our leaders lie to us with their bare faces hanging out.

Why the anger? It can be summed up in one run-on sentence: We have lost two towers in New York, a part of the Pentagon, an important American city called New Orleans, our economic solvency, our global reputation, our moral authority, our children’s future, we have lost tens of thousands of American soldiers to death and grievous injury, we must endure the Abramoffs and the Cunninghams and the Libbys and the whores and the bribes and the utter corruption, we must contemplate the staggering depth of the hole we have been hurled down into, and we expect little to no help from the mainstream DC press, whose lazy go-along-to-get-along cocktail-circuit mentality allowed so much of this to happen because they failed comprehensively to do their job.

George W. Bush and his pals used September 11th against the American people, used perhaps the most horrific day in our collective history, deliberately and with intent, to foster a war of choice that has killed untold tens of thousands of human beings and basically bankrupted our country. They lied about the threat posed by Iraq. They destroyed the career of a CIA agent who was tasked to keep an eye on Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and did so to exact petty political revenge against a critic. They tortured people, and spied on American civilians.

You cannot fathom anger arising from this?

There is at least a small amount of comfort in knowing that that the President had to hear, at least once, a few of the reasons why those approval figures are so low.

Oppose Senate Bill S.1003

Native people’s lives and livelihoods are on the line! Traditional Navajo (known in their language as Dineh) would be forcibly evicted and dispossessed of their homes under this bill. I support the right of these families, who are among the few remaining American Indians who still speak their traditional language and practice their traditional culture, to remain on their lands and strongly oppose Senate Bill 1003.

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) “estimates that enacting S. 1003 would have no significant effect on direct spending or revenues.” In fact, the original Navajo Hopi Land Settlement Act of 1974 forced 1000s of hardworking self-sustaining families into welfare dependency, despair and early death. This ill-conceived bill may actual force hardworking independent people into welfare dependency on the federal government and increase the cost to US taxpayers.The cost overruns and inadequate financing of the relocation program are not the fault of the Navajo and are entirely due to major miscalculations on the number of affected people and federal governmental incompetence. Adding insult to injury, the lands designated for relocation are contaminated by one of the worst uranium mine accidents in US history.

A Washington Post investigative article has uncovered massive fraud and collusion involving Peabody Coal company and a consortium of 23 Utility companies in the passage of the original relocation law, P.L. 93-531 that led to the forced relocation of over 15,000 Navajo in what experts call one of the “worst involuntary resettlements” worldwide in the modern era. To remove the remaining people based on amendments to this corrupt and fraudulent law is nothing less than environmental ethnic cleansing.

The Navajo tell us that it is no coincidence that the land from which the Navajo are being removed contains over $ 20 billion worth of coal. Jack Abramoff and his associates have been involved in lobbying for companies interested in the Navajo’s land and we support the request of the Navajo families for an investigation into any activities regarding Jack Abramoff and Senate Bill 1003. This bill comes at a time while Peabody Energy is in the process of acquiring a life-of-mine lease in the Black Mesa area even though the Black Mesa Mine is temporarily shut down.

Therefore, we support the Navajo families in opposing Senate Bill 1003 and respectfully request

• That the Senate remove Senate Bill 1003 from consideration
• That the Congress pass a resolution opposing forced relocation of Native Americans
• That Congress help the communities already relocated rather than closing any federal offices that may be able to help them
• That Congress work directly with affected families and communities to resolve any land issues and listen to them, not just Jack Abramoff or other high paid lobbyists.

More background

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