On Monday and Tuesday, I was still recovering a bit from the effects of the pollen overload on my system. I went to work, but I was dragging. I was starting to look forward to my birthday, but I wasn’t sure what there would be in celebration. I got a few things in the mail – a cd, a book by Slavoj Žižek (looks like he ripped off Jean Baudrillard in this one), a voodoo toothpick holder (hee-hee), a “Gin & Titonic” ice-cube tray, a Lumpy Bumpy candy bar, some great cards… but there didn’t seem to be anything planned as an event.

I was also dreading the prospect of going through physical and psychological withdrawal. I decided that instead of quitting on my birthday – and ruining the whole day – I’d make my birthday the last day of smoking.

Wednesday was my birthday. I went in to work, a little dressed up, feeling a lot better – and my brother Michael took me out for a yummy sushi lunch. It was good to spend some time with him. I’m a number of years older, and his card said “When we were kids you were always reminding me that you were older.” Inside: “Now I’m just returning the favor. Happy Birthday.” We live pretty close, but we’ve both got demanding jobs and families – and it just seems to be difficult to get together very often. Sharing lunch with him made me really happy, and the sushi was excellent.

Back at work, I heard a little noise behind me – someone had dropped a card on my desk. It was a Peanuts card: “Birthdays remind me of what a great person once said” – and then, when you open the card, it’s that “adult” wah-wah-wah-rhaa noise. “Don’t worry. It didn’t make much sense to me either.” My whole team had signed it. That was really touching. Usually, the birthday person gets taken out to lunch or something like that, so this was extra-special.

But then – I got called to reception for a delivery. Sitting there on the front desk was the sweetest bouquet of flowers – orange lilies and yellow roses and little purple mums. The card inside said “We vetoed Phil’s idea and got you flowers.” Again – from my team (although I know who actually did it – thank you Mark). I actually got all mushy, and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I went and washed my face. So, so, so sweet.

Our neighbors Marilynne and Ron graciously invited us to celebrate with them at their house. What a relief! Our house was a total wreck, and it was depressing. To sit in their warm inviting kitchen and then, later, in the gorgeous sunroom, was a real treat. We had a delicious dinner of chicken korma (I got the recipe) and yogurt and rice and snap peas and broccoli and kale. Ben came with us, and they included him in the conversation and made him feel at home. Their three dogs are the sweetest ever; it almost make me want to get a dog (although I’m still aching for a cat).

We brought beer and wine and a cake with us, and at the appropriate time, John and Ben stuck in the… um… symbolic number of candles, and everybody sang and I made my wish and blew out all the candles. Eventually, John went next door and tucked Ben into bed, and then we all sat around and talked of all sorts of things. Marilynne brought out some well-aged port, and we had a bit of that.

We shared a very fun and wide-ranging conversation, but one of the things we talked about was the website that Marilynne has been working on for one of the Sherlock Holmes groups. Check it out. If you love Sherlock Holmes stories, you’ll find some surprising things – and if you haven’t read any, go here to get started.

The Beacon Society is a scion society of The Baker Street Irregulars, an international organization of Sherlock Holmes enthusiasts founded in 1934 by Christopher Morley. The Irregulars (known as the BSI) meet every January in New York City for a weekend of celebration and study. The Beacon Society serves as a link to other scion societies, providing teachers with local resources to bring the magic of Sherlock Holmes to life in the classroom.

It was a week for flowers. Over the course of the week, John got me three different potted plants. There was the bouquet from work. Then – just today, the parents of one of Ben’s friends brought a big bouquet of mums for my birthday – and to celebrate my progress.

Yes… my progress. Well – I had my last cigarette at two minutes to midnight on my birthday. The last couple of days have been interesting. I’ve been watching the cravings come and go. Paul, you’re right – you can get into a meta-observational place with that.

Still – I have to admit I’ve been easily irritated, impatient, cranky. I’ve even felt a certain inclination toward violence. Oxygen helps. I’ve had some luck blowing in and out of plastic straws – and chewing on them when it gets really bad. It beats eating or chewing gum. I’ve hammered at a piece of wood, broken assorted fallen branches over my thigh, and puttered around – doing laundry, cleaning up, keeping busy, keeping moving. I’ve also been trying to comfort myself. I have the softest, most cuddly socks on.

There have been some cosmic sparkles here and there that have kept me focused, too.

So far, so good.

1. Get a present for my nephew
2. Go to my nephew’s birthday party
3. Learn how to use Gantt Project
4. Create a master plan with timeline, resources, and subtasks for work
5. Take down the Christmas tree – yes, really
6. Get an oil change for my car
7. Do laundry
8. Call Mom and Gramma
9. Pack away the clothes I’m not wearing
10. Clean the house
11. Install new light fixtures at the front door
12. Pack up some kid clothes to send off for my other nephew
13. Pack up some books for Mom and Gramma
14. Pack up some books to bring to work
15. Get a new filter for the furnace
16. Measure the screen door to replace it
17. Empty the calcium crystals out of the faucets and showerheads
18. Get an estimate from plumber: three new toilets, water pressure issue
19. Pick out the flooring for the kitchen
20. Pick out the paint for the kitchen
21. Buy the paint for the kitchen
22. Paint the kitchen
23. Buy the kitchen flooring
24. See if I have any barter-strength left from freelancing
25. Tighten the screws on the back door
26. Get an estimate for non-fiberglass insulation
27. Pack up all the non-family items in the basement
28. Clean the basement Get the basement cleaned
29. Reorganize the garage
30. Reorganize the kitchen
31. See how much it would cost for broadband to be cabled in a couple more convenient places
32. Sell, give away, or toss all the stuff that needs to go away
33. Find out how much the hot tub repair might be
34. Flip the mattresses
35. Tally up lightbulb needs, buy, install
36. Watch The Prestige so I can finally get my next Netflix
37. See how much it would cost to replace the upstairs carpeting
38. Work on the novels
39. Read stuff I should read
40. Read stuff I want to read

So, for this weekend, I’ve done 1 and 6 already. I’ll do 2 shortly. 3, 4, 5 and 8 are non-negotiable and must be done.

Most of the rest of the stuff will probably not happen – again. Maybe the laundry and some cleaning, if I don’t get too tied up with the work stuff, or suddenly get inspired to write (that’s when it’s bound to happen).

There is a kind of a disconnect in my priority structure. I’m pretty selfish with my time, I guess.

See? I’m blogging when I have all this other stuff to do. I’m supposed to be at the party in 45 minutes, and I haven’t even taken a shower yet.

Better scurry.

Every celebration heals my soul, even now. After all this time, there’s a small part of me that is making up for all those missed celebrations of my JW childhood.

I am sorry that I have not been posting very often. I enjoy my job, but it is tiring. When I get home, I prefer to spend my time with family and friends – offline and online. I suspect I’ll only be able to do a couple of posts a week unless my energy level picks up.

A big thank-you to online friends. I had so many birthday wishes from my friends online – especially on Facebook and MySpace – that I haven’t even gone through them all yet. It made me weepy with happiness. I also got a slew of birthday ecards, emails, graphics, hugs, cuddles, photos – all sorts of wonderful things and I want to thank everybody. The day was really super-special to me because the people I care about took the time to do those things. Yeah, ok, I’m a big mushie.

At home, we had a nice dinner while I recovered from smashing up my knee in a mortifying tumble I took in the company parking lot earlier in the day. Ice pack, ibuprofen, sun and a beer – actually not such a bad way to spend some birthday time.

I didn’t actually get any real presents on my birthday – we’re really that unorganized around here. But John did surprise me with a bouquet of flowers, and we had big round purple grapes and pizza and blackforest cheesecake. John got a sentimental Hallmark card, and Ben made me one of his own (in which he downgraded me 4 years – hee hee – which sort of made up for his adding five years in the morning). When we have time, I’m to get some RAM for my computer at home (my brother Michael is going to help determine the right kind and where to get it) and a new swimsuit for our upcoming vacation.

The phone didn’t stop ringing, though. My brother Roy called the night before. He SANG to me, and so did my mom and stepfather. Carol called yesterday night, and told me that my customary cake was ready. When was I going to pick it up (in Massachusetts!)? Just a bit late sending out. My gramma called and wished me a happy day, and I even got a call from my old landlady Doris.

My Iowa roommate Bev called me too – we always send each other presents – but I hadn’t gotten hers yet.

When I got home from work today, John mentioned that I had received a book. There was a package from Amazon. I hadn’t ordered anything recently, and I didn’t connect the dots until I opened it. When I saw what it was, I knew exactly who it was from. No need to look. No-one else would have gotten me the complete Twin Peaks series!

I started to jump up and down, until my knee reminded me (with a very clear message) that it wasn’t quite better yet (you see, the knee is getting better only in incremental stages. I might need comfort and affection every day for … oh, I don’t know, a couple of weeks?).

Anyway, it was a fantastic present! Bev and I had watched it together when we were roommates in Iowa City. When one of us was working, the other would tape it and then we’d watch later. I haven’t seen any of the episodes since then, and I’m looking forward to watching it again. Maybe this time I can figure out what the deal is with the owls and the Buddhist monks.

Fortunately, Ben didn’t want an organized event. No jumping place or laser tag or bowling for him. When we talked about it, he said, “Can’t I just invite everybody over to play? We hardly ever get to just play.” It’s true. Even in first grade, most playtime is regimented in some way. There are afterschool activities and teams and groups, but not much playtime. They don’t have two recesses a day like we did. Sometimes they don’t get recess at all.

We got a balloon machine kit for about $20 and it was good for more than thirty balloons. Balloons and ribbon were included (the hardest part was tying the knots). We attached the balloons with hair bands to the posts on the deck, and to the mailbox. It was easier to take them off and distribute them. I painted wash-off blue targets on the biggest trees, and the kids had those splooshy balls that splatt rather nicely if you soak them in water. We also had some big plastic balls, and binoculars, and a beanbag tic-tac-toe toss, and other likely things placed around the yard.

Other than the water-splatt action (which of course turned into everyone getting a bit damp), the most popular activity was climbing the fig tree. It was very funny to see how the boys and girls took turns doing that. First the boys swarmed the tree, and none of the girls would go near it. Then, later, when the boys were throwing things into the air, the girls lined up and treated the tree a bit like gymnastic equipment. John supervised for a while, just like a spotter. Then, our friend Michael took over and had them singing “Respect” while they were waiting for their turn. By this time, they had evolved the game into a kind of “swing and jump off” routine.

When things started to get a bit chaotic and crazy, we broke for the birthday cake ritual. We had a big cake, and plenty of juicepacks and water. Our friend Bonnie had brought gummy worms (a big hit at the end of the party) and salsa and chips for any parents who decided to stick around (yummy).

At the end of the party, each kid left with a balloon and one of the hacky-sack water-ball thingies. I think they were intended to be pool toys. There were no “gift bags” – when did that awful tradition start?

I think everybody had a pretty good time. No major injuries, lots of smiles and waves goodbye.

One of the kids ended up staying overnight, and Ben didn’t even open any of the presents until late this morning. Some of the presents were very cool, but it really seemed as though the part he liked was having everybody here.

He is such a social creature. I never really was, and it’s so fun for me to watch him. He greeted everybody that came in (even the girls) by name. When kids started throwing balls (and water!) at each other he quietly absented himself from the scene, and went to “plant an oak tree” with one of the other kids. He also gave instructions on the proper fig-tree climbing method.

Since I didn’t grow up having parties at my house or having birthday celebrations or anything like that, I don’t really know what the expectations are from the other kids or their parents. Some of the birthday parties have gotten competitive and flashy. For me, it’s about Ben being happy, and I honestly don’t think he could have been any happier if we had done anything else. He was grinning almost the whole time.

Nobody could ever have told me that I would so enjoy something like this, that I would so love being a Mom.

Comment and wish me a happy birthday! Please?

It means even more to me than you might think – hey, I’m actually telling you my real age!

As Jehovah’s Witnesses, our family usually didn’t celebrate birthdays. I do remember a couple of years when my mom created little “unbirthday” celebrations (quietly, very quietly) but it wasn’t until I was in my twenties – and an ex-JW – that I really felt comfortable with celebrating the day.

These days, I love to celebrate and will take any excuse to do so. Having a child makes it even more fun for me, and it’s my understanding that Ben and John have secret plans for later.

It’s cold and windy and I’m very snuggled in.

Recharge: Whatever you are doing, pause….breathe….and now head for the comfort of a bubbling bath, a beautiful view, or sacred space.

Done!

I was overjoyed to find my mailbox and networks overflowing with birthday wishes this morning.

I’m sending waves of gratitude to Bev, Rosei, Mary, Wally, Stephanie, J, Maria, Evelyn, Heather, Susan, Brenda, Frankophiles, John E., Barbara, Corinne, Glenn, Beverly, Care2, Mom’s Network, Elainna, Tom J., Pam, Dennis, Randy, Sid, Xenia, Kattails, Lois/Opera Ghost, Kimberly F., Janet, Bill, Paula, Doris, Diana, Fantasio, Jenn, Traci, Jolly Roger, Michael, Kim N-F, Ron, Ute, Nancy, Tom S., Carol, John and Ben.

Thank you for filling my special day with so much kindness and friendship!

Happy Birthday Gary Snyder!

The Modern Poetry site (Dept. of English, Univ. of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign) has an interesting subsite on him that includes the following:

“Conservatism has some very valid meanings,” he says. “Of course, most of the people who call themselves conservative aren’t that, because they’re out to extract and use, to turn a profit. Curiously, eco and artist people and those who work with dharma practice are conservatives in the best sense of the word-we’re trying to save a few things!

“Care for the environment is like noblesse oblige,” he maintains. “You don’t do it because it has to be done. You do it because it’s beautiful. That’s the bodhisattva spirit. The bodhisattva is not anxious to do good, or feels obligation or anything like that. In Jodo-shin Buddhism, which my wife was raised in, the bodhisattva just says, ‘I picked up the tab for everybody. Goodnight folks…’ “

I can’t resist reposting one of the poems, considering my tagline!

For All

Ah to be alive
on a mid-September morn
fording a stream
barefoot, pants rolled up,
holding boots, pack on,
sunshine, ice in the shallows,
northern rockies.

Rustle and shimmer of icy creek waters
stones turn underfoot, small and hard as toes
cold nose dripping
singing inside
creek music, heart music,
smell of sun on gravel.

I pledge allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the soil
of Turtle Island,
and to the beings who thereon dwell
one ecosystem
in diversity
under the sun
With joyful interpenetration for all.