The fact that I first typed “font” is actually funnier to me. A “font” of information. Hee hee. I know that “font” can have a similiar meaning to “fount” but the latter is more precise. Besides, all I can think of is spurting bits of Arial (be kind in the comments – heh-heh). See what kind of sludge my mind enters after being exposed to this trash?

Enjoy these if you do, critique them if you don’t. I can see the humor – I can – but…. I’m trying to discourage further deliveries along this kind of subject line. Hear me, Troy? I like the pictures better – the birds, the bear, your studio, girls with tiaras… all of that is fine (hug).

“This has to be the funniest video I have ever seen.”

Translating the Words of Men

“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Radio announcement via Every Stretch of the Imagination:

S[...] County Fraternal Order of Police, [...] Lodge #··, will host a dinner Saturday, June 24, from 11:00AM until 5:00PM at the W[...] Municipal Building. Tickets are $10.00 each and are on sale now. Donors are eligible to win one of four door prizes, including an inline muzzle-loader, a Remington .22 rifle, a Remington high-power rifle, and a Remington shotgun. You don’t have to be present to win. Proceeds from the dinner will benefit the many programs of the FOP lodge, including their annual scholarship fund and Shop with a Cop Christmas program.

1. Take at least 18 hours to try to figure out what the heck to say to the Press
2. Don’t drink any more alcohol.
3. Send off a check soonest for the quail hunting license you were supposed to have had.
4. Don’t call the police.
5. Have friends publically point out the virtues and wonderfulnesses of the shooter.
6. Blame the bird.
7. Blame the victim. What the Sam Hill was that doofus doing there anyway, getting in the way of a perfectly good shot? DANG!
8. Make sure media outlets use the right language. Don’t allow any rhetoric of violence that might make people feel queasy about the VP. Instead, say "he got peppered pretty good" –which sounds folksy, sort of fun, and brings to mind the pleasant subject of cajun cooking.
9. By no means should either the victim or the VP make any personal statement to the press. Let jokes fly all around so that a sense of comraderie is established. After all, no-one was actually killed. A little pepper just adds spice.
10. Have someone ask the White House spokesman whether it is inappropriate for even a properly Rove-tutored private citizen to have reported it to the press or for a newspaper to have reported on it before any official press release was distributed. Plant that that seed of doubt about whether freedom of the press is really such a good thing rather than dwelling on how different the scene would have been if the shooter wasn’t Cheney.
11. Don’t sweat it too much; NRA buddies will fully understand.

It’s perfectly understandable that someone like Vice President Dick Cheney could shoot a 78-year-old lawyer in the face after mistaking him for some sort of orange-vest-wearing bird. Shucks–what’s a little buckshot between friends?

(Adapted and expanded from an email sent to me by Aunt Elaine)

Joseph Ambrose, 55, is charged with attempted murder, first-degree assault and first-degree kidnapping of his estranged wife.

Two of the couple’s four children were home while he beat his wife. Ambrose is a member of the local Canton (Connecticut) congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Police found several rifles at the rented house.

Joseph Ambrose was quoted in a story in The Courant in 1996 about the mission of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Those who join the church, the story said, must be committed to the faith.

“Your conduct has to be right in harmony with the Scriptures,” Ambrose said in the story. “Your morals have to be right in line.”

His estranged wife is now in stable condition and is being treated at Hartford Hospital.

Ambrose is still at large.