1. Take at least 18 hours to try to figure out what the heck to say to the Press
2. Don’t drink any more alcohol.
3. Send off a check soonest for the quail hunting license you were supposed to have had.
4. Don’t call the police.
5. Have friends publically point out the virtues and wonderfulnesses of the shooter.
6. Blame the bird.
7. Blame the victim. What the Sam Hill was that doofus doing there anyway, getting in the way of a perfectly good shot? DANG!
8. Make sure media outlets use the right language. Don’t allow any rhetoric of violence that might make people feel queasy about the VP. Instead, say "he got peppered pretty good" –which sounds folksy, sort of fun, and brings to mind the pleasant subject of cajun cooking.
9. By no means should either the victim or the VP make any personal statement to the press. Let jokes fly all around so that a sense of comraderie is established. After all, no-one was actually killed. A little pepper just adds spice.
10. Have someone ask the White House spokesman whether it is inappropriate for even a properly Rove-tutored private citizen to have reported it to the press or for a newspaper to have reported on it before any official press release was distributed. Plant that that seed of doubt about whether freedom of the press is really such a good thing rather than dwelling on how different the scene would have been if the shooter wasn’t Cheney.
11. Don’t sweat it too much; NRA buddies will fully understand.

It’s perfectly understandable that someone like Vice President Dick Cheney could shoot a 78-year-old lawyer in the face after mistaking him for some sort of orange-vest-wearing bird. Shucks–what’s a little buckshot between friends?

(Adapted and expanded from an email sent to me by Aunt Elaine)