VirusHead

Political comedy email making the rounds…

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific
research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the
virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

(Thanks Corinne!)

Listen to Neil Young’s new album, Living with War.

Visit the blog.

Don’t need no ad machine
Telling me what I need
Don’t need no Madison Avenue War
Don’t need no more boxes I can see

Covered in flags but I can’t see them on TV

Don’t need no more lies
Don’t need no more lies
Don’t need no more lies

Click on the track title for the lyrics in ticker formet at the official website, or here for the whole list.

• 1) After The Garden
• 2) Living With War
• 3) The Restless Consumer
• 4) Shock And Awe
• 5) Families
• 6) Flags of Freedom
• 7) Let’s Impeach The President
• Lookin’ For A Leader
• 9) Roger And Out
• 10) America The Beautiful

“Let’s Impeach The President”

Let’s impeach the President for lying
And misleading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

Who’s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
They bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war

Let’s impeach the President for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

(Bush clips)
Flip – Flop
Flip – Flop
Flip – Flop
Flip – Flop

Let’s impeach the president for hijacking
Our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank god he’s cracking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lots of people looking at big trouble
But of course our president is clean.

Thank God

I’ve added him to the “Salute” category of links. Thanks Neil.

Amerika
Band: Rammstein (German)

(chorus)
We’re all living in America,
America is wunderbar.
We’re all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.

Wenn getanzt wird, will ich führen,
auch wenn ihr euch alleine dreht,
lasst euch ein wenig kontrollieren,
Ich zeige euch wie’s richtig geht.
Wir bilden einen lieben Reigen,
die Freiheit spielt auf allen Geigen,
Musik kommt aus dem Weißen Haus,
Und vor Paris steht Mickey Maus.
(When I’m dancing, I want to lead,
even if you all are spinning alone,
let’s exercise a little control.
I’ll show you how it’s done right.
We form a nice ring,
freedom is playing on all the fiddles,
music is coming out of the White House,
and near Paris stands Mickey Mouse.)

We’re all living in America…

Ich kenne Schritte, die sehr nützen,
und werde euch vor Fehltritt schützen,
und wer nicht tanzen will am Schluss,
weiß noch nicht, dass er tanzen muss!
Wir bilden einen lieben Reigen,
ich werde Euch die Richtung zeigen,
nach Afrika kommt Santa Claus,
und vor Paris steht Mickey Maus.
( I know steps that are very useful,
and I’ll protect you from missteps,
and anyone who doesn’t want to dance in the end,
just doesn’t know that he has to dance!
We form a nice ring,
I’ll show you the right direction,
to Africa goes Santa Claus,
and near Paris stands Mickey Mouse.)
Refrain:
We’re all living in America,
America is wunderbar.
We’re all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.
We’re all living in America,
Coca-Cola, Wonderbra,
We’re all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.

This is not a love song,
this is not a love song.
I don’t sing my mother tongue,
No, this is not a love song.

We’re all living in America,
Amerika is wunderbar.
We’re all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.
We’re all living in America,
Coca-Cola, sometimes WAR,
We’re all living in America,
Amerika, Amerika.

Interesting blog from Heavenly Kisses:

Snips:
In just three years Colorado’s abortion rates went up 111%.

Bush
Banned the morning-after pill, which wouldn’t kill a baby just prevent a pregnancy.
Stopped federal funding for sex education that teaches teens how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy as well as help prevent the spread of diseases.
Economic policies have had the most impact on the abortion rate rising.

“The ladies were mostly unemployed, uninsured, they couldn’t afford to raise a baby. In fact if you take the rate decline in 2000 into consideration 52,000 more babies died in 2002 because Bush was in the white house….I have one question for those of you who believe Bush isn’t to blame.

Why did the abortion rate go up with George H Bush, down with Bill Clinton and then back up with George W Bush?”

I’ts not so much that we have outright censorship. The White House sends out press releases. It doesn’t have a whole lot of interviewing. And it they don’t like what you say, they cut off all access.

Then, it’s a matter of money. Advertisers, network owners, and so on.

But you know, last night an old girlfriend was in town. As the three of us munched down our dinner in the kitchen, my hubby John started telling us about his last trip to Paris and all the stories that were reported there… and reported very differently. Ok, some of you out there have decided to hate France – why, I’m not sure. We wouldn’t even have a democracy here without them.

He said that when he was there, the Abu Graib story was hitting the world news. He picked up LeMonde one day (the more conservative of the two major French newspapers) and it was full of testimony from prisoners that had been there.

Do you recall reading a whole lot of testimony from the people who were actually there? I don’t – maybe I just missed it.

Just one example, but there were others. It is worth checking websites and alternative news sources. Out media just isn’t what it used to (at least aim to) be.