{"id":2231,"date":"2008-10-05T21:57:31","date_gmt":"2008-10-06T01:57:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/?p=2231"},"modified":"2008-10-06T16:23:37","modified_gmt":"2008-10-06T20:23:37","slug":"courtroom-humor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/2008\/10\/courtroom-humor\/","title":{"rendered":"Courtroom Humor"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I was thinking of the court system because of the synchronicity of <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/O._J._Simpson\">O.J. Simpson<\/a>&#8216;s conviction date yesterday (Acquitted of murder on October 3, 1995;  13 years later, found guilty on October 3 2008), so I was pleased to pick up a lighter resonance in a post on Facebook by my friend <a href=\"http:\/\/technopaideia.blogspot.com\/\">Craig<\/a>. <\/p>\n<p>It made me laugh. So I&#8217;m just passing it along in case you could use a laugh, too.<\/p>\n<p>These are said to be from a book called <a type=\"amzn\">Disorder in the American Courts<\/a>. The title is a little off. It looks to me that the title is <a type=\"amzn\">Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><iframe src=\"http:\/\/rcm.amazon.com\/e\/cm?t=virushead-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0393319288&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=000000&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr\" style=\"width:120px;height:240px;\" scrolling=\"no\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Imagine hearing these things actually said in court and taken down &#8211; word for word &#8211; for the court record. <\/p>\n<blockquote><p>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No, I just lie there.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Yes.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?<br \/>\nWITNESS: I forget.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?<br \/>\nWITNESS: He said, &#8216;Where am I, Cathy?&#8217;<br \/>\nATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?<br \/>\nWITNESS: My name is Susan!<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?<br \/>\nWITNESS: We both do.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: Voodoo?<br \/>\nWITNESS: We do.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: You do?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Yes, voodoo.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn&#8217;t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn&#8217;t know about it until the next morning?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Uh, he&#8217;s twenty.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Are you shittin&#8217; me?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Yes.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Uh&#8230; I was gettin&#8217; laid.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?<br \/>\nWITNESS: July 18th.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: What year?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Every year. <\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Yes.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: How many were boys?<br \/>\nWITNESS: None.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: Were there any girls?<br \/>\nWITN SS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?<br \/>\nWITNESS: By death.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?<br \/>\nWITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Guess.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?<br \/>\nWITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dea d people. Would you like to rephrase that?<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Oral.<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?<br \/>\nWITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Huh&#8230;are you qualified to ask that question?<\/p>\n<p>And the best for last:<\/p>\n<p>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?<br \/>\nWITNESS: No.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.<br \/>\nATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?<br \/>\nWITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I was thinking of the court system because of the synchronicity of O.J. Simpson&#8216;s conviction date yesterday (Acquitted of murder on October 3, 1995; 13 years later, found guilty on October 3 2008), so I was pleased to pick up a lighter resonance in a post on Facebook by my friend Craig. It made me laugh. So I&#8217;m just passing it along in case you could use a laugh, too. These are said to be from a book called Disorder&#8230;<\/p>\n<p class=\"read-more\"><a class=\"btn btn-default\" href=\"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/2008\/10\/courtroom-humor\/\"> Read More<span class=\"screen-reader-text\">  Read More<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,13,33,35],"tags":[5169,5167,4440,5168],"class_list":["post-2231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-culture","category-humor","category-language","category-too-cute","tag-attorney","tag-courtroom-humor","tag-oj-simpson","tag-people"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2231"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2239,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2231\/revisions\/2239"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.virushead.net\/vhrandom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}