"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
"If turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the best that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank."
"As the poet said, Only God can make a tree -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held."
"I am at two with nature."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
"I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles."
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."