VirusHead

Contagious Thoughts, Mutating as Needed

JW Humor

The Famous VirusHead Collection of Jehovah’s Witnesses Jokes

First – and possibly still only – such collection on the Internet.

Giving you implicit permission to laugh since 1998

Preamble:
These jokes were collected for the purpose of helping recovering JWs. They are intended to help create a distanced space for safe amusement, especially for those who have been hurt by the policies of the Watch Tower Bible and Tract corporations and its religious governing body. I would have found several of these jokes funny when I was a JW, and a handful of current JWs have written who agree. For some of the humor, you would have needed some exposure to JWs to get the joke. I have been a member myself and have great affection for many of the well-meaning rank and file congregation members. Most members are just people trying to do what’s right. I think they have been misled by an MLM scam parading as God’s organization, however, and I have serious issues with many of their policies, and with their enforcement by untrained “elders.” As an American, I am also alert to what such authoritarian (and apparently profitable) theocratic rule can mean to the tenets of democracy and freedom.
If you have heard any good JW jokes, send them along. I will give you credit and link to your web site if you wish. Jokes with an asterisk are original; the rest are public domain or granted credit.

Fair warning: Any contact with me means that you have granted permission for your words to be published on my blog, at my discretion. Anyone who contacts me with authentic questions, issues, and concerns about JWs may veto such publication – but if you don’t mind, I will share the issue on my blog in hopes that it might help others. Contact me if you have a question or problem that involves Jehovah’s Witnesses or the Watchtower Society. I may be able to give you some helpful advice and/or strategies.

And now, the jokes….

Drum Roll .. Ba Da Boom

*What do you get when you cross a devil worshiper with a Jehovah’s Witness? Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to “the lake of everlasting fire.”

*I am a Jehovah’s Witness of Borg. You will be assimilated to the slave class of a publishing empire in Brooklyn.

The first bloodless surgery was performed this week in which a kid who is a Jehovah’s Witness got a new liver without a blood transfusion. The parents were so happy, they almost celebrated! – Jan McInnis

While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the “Jehovah’s Witness Assembly Hall” and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them. – Gene Spafford

My Avon lady just became a Jehovah’s Witness. That may not mean much to you, but it saves me one more trip to the door. – George Carlin

I’m a Jehovah’s Bystander. We’s like the Witnesses, only we don’t wanna get involved. – Flip Wilson

Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses get killed during an earthquake? They’re always in your doorway. – Johnny Carson

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness protection program. I have to go around knocking on people’s doors and telling them I’m somebody else. – Steven Wright

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an agnostic? Someone who goes door to door for no apparent reason.

What do you get when you cross Jehovah’s Witness with a Mafia hitman? Lots of converts.

Why do mobsters hate Jehovah’s Witnesses? They hate all witnesses!

These Jehovah’s Witnesses are sick of the ‘turn the other cheek’ way of spreading the word. Answer the door or else!

What does Hannibal Lector call a Jehovah’s Witness? Free delivery! – Jay Leno (on the other hand, my mom was once hit over the head with a rolling pin by someone at the door)

I could never be a Jehovah’s Witness… I didn’t see the accident. As far as I know, Jehovah didn’t hit anybody. – Greg Taylor

The Jehovah’s Witnesses sex scandal started its first day in court today. When they knocked on the door of the courthouse, nobody answered the door. – David Letterman

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever. I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah’s Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell. – Lou Eisen

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. – Bruce Clark

Somebody was knockin’ at my door the other day. I went to answer the door, it was a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I said, “Yeah. What do you want?”
They said, “We’re not interested.” – Rodney Dangerfield
(contributed by P-Dogg)

Do you know what it’s like to have one already in the house? – Julie Barr (comedian) about her sister, a JW

Light Bulb

How many Jehovah’s Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. They all live in Brooklyn, and they have to keep changing it every day for “new light.”

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you’ve seen the light!

None. They’re always getting “new light” from Brooklyn.

Nobody knows, they haven’t seen the light YET. – Doug W.

Jehovah’s Witness Computer Viruses

Jehovah’s Witness Virus: Deletes all but 144000 select files.

Jehovah’s Witness-Unitarian Virus: Opens up a lot of windows, but for no apparent reason.

Jehovah’s Witness Virus: Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!

Competitors at the Door

Two missionaries of the Church of Latter-Day Saints were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah’s Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction.
The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses said, “We don’t move for false witnesses.”
One of the Mormons said, “We do,” and they went around them.

Heaven

Heaven is manifested as a huge skyscraper, and the Archangel Gabriel is the elevator-operator. As each new entrant arrives, the Archangel asks for their religious affiliation, and each is taken to the appropriate floor:

Gabriel asks, “Religious affiliation?”
“Methodist.”
Peter looks down his list, and says, “I’ll let you off at floor 24, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13.”

Another arrives at the elevator. “Religious affiliation?”
“Southern Baptist.”
“We’ll go to floor 66, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13.”

A third arrives. “Religious affiliation?”
“Reformed Jew.”
“Get off at floor 10, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13.”

One of the passengers finally asks, “I can understand there being different floors for different religions, but why must we be quiet as we pass the 13th floor?”

“Well, the Jehovah’s Witnesses are on that floor, and the loving All-Being has mandated this rule out of sheer kindness” explains the Archangel. “You see, only a small group of them imagined that they would be here in the first place – and they think they’re the only ones here.”

JW Parrot

A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot had belonged to a Jehovah’s Witness because it kept repeating, “Read the Watchtower and Awake. Avoid wordly associations. The end of this system of things is near.” Squawk.

Well, the new owner of the bird attempted to add new vocabulary to the parrot’s repertoire with books on tape and contemporary music, but as the months went by it became obvious that nothing could break through. The parrot continued to repeat the standard catchphrases of the Watch Tower Society and nothing else.

The owner finally became frustrated and infuriated and, in a fit of violent anger, threw the parrot across the room.

The parrot smashed against the wall, and slid down to the floor, at which point the parrot immediately started squawking:

“No Blood! No Blood! No Blood!”

NOT a JW Parrot

After a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on the front door of a home, they heard a faint, high pitched, “Come In” from within the house.

With some reservations, they tried the door and it was locked, so they went around to the back door.

They knocked again and heard again the high pitched “Come In”.
As they entered the kitchen a huge, snarling Doberman cornered them.

Plastered against the wall, they cried out for help, only to hear the same little voice say “Come In”.
Looking around the room, they identified the sound as coming from a cage, within which was a parrot!

One of the JW’s shouted at the parrot – “Is that all you can say?”
The parrot cocked his head to the side, looking at them very carefully.

Then it said, “Sic ‘em!” Squawk.

Jehovah’s Witness Puppies

A young boy was walking along the road pulling puppies in a wagon. He was walking by a kingdom hall, where a district overseer stood outside on the grass. Curious, the district overseer asks “What kind of puppies are those?”
In reply the boy said: ” They’re Jehovah’s Witness puppies.”
The district overseer chuckled and the boy was on his way.
The same boy walked by the kingdom hall once more and the district overseer this time was standing with some elders.
The district overseer said “Watch this” and asked again “What kind of puppies are those?”
This time the boy said “Love Puppies.”
The district overseer, shocked, said, “I thought you said they were Jehovah’s Witness puppies.”
The boy said “Yeah, but today their eyes opened!”

oooh, Bitter

Newbie Bible Study: “What exactly is the “good news of the kingdom” for Witnesses? Is it like, everyone is forgiven for everything and God loves us, and stuff like that?”
Overly-honest JW: “Not exactly. Basically the good news is just for us. We’re not included in the 99.9% of the world’s population who are going to be slaughtered for not submitting in every way to the organization.”

JW Old Version: Armageddon will come while the generation of people who saw World War I are still alive.

JW “New Light”: Nobody knows the day or the hour. Just forget we ever mentioned the generation that saw World War I.
- C. J. Silverio

The New Jehovah’s Witness Bible: All verses referring to women in leadership or to the trinity or to the kingdom within us have been edited to reflect the latest JW scholarship (dating from the early 1930′s). Special features include a topical list of all past-due prophecies, doctrinal loop-de-loops, and plausible sounding but incoherent and self-contradictory explanations. Extra Special Feature! A “brownie points” witnessing time calculator for door-to-door work.

Acronym Defined – Jehovah’s Witnesses:

Jamming Every Halldoor Or Vestibule Aperture, Heavy Session With Interminable Theology Nutcase. Eventually Successfully Slam Entry Shut. – Tony McCoy O’Grady

Three Religious Truths

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Jehovah’s Witnesses do not recognize each other at the porn shop.

Priceless

King James Version of the Bible: $20
Book of Mormon: $0, by request
Copy of the Koran: $30
Rosary: $10
Artificial Lamb’s Blood for Pentagram: $5 a gallon
The horribly confused and terrified look on the face of the next Jehovah’s Witness at your door: Priceless

A Kind Jehovah’s Witness

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. The woman told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to discuss religion and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two Witnesses still standing at the door infuriated her further.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut, but the door still didn’t close.
She grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could, but again, the door wouldn’t shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the JWs said, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat.”
(Unlikely that the cat would stay around, but still a good joke)

On TV

Scully: Uh, Virgil Nokes? I’m Agent Scully. This is Agent Mulder. We’re with the FBI.
Farmer: Jehovah’s Witness?
Scully: No, sir. Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Mulder: But we do have a free copy of “The Watchtower” for you if you’d like.
-from XFiles, episode “Drive.” Trivia: Mulder is described as a “Jehovah’s Witness meets Harrison Ford’s Witness” — Harrison Ford’s “Witness” is the answer David Duchovny got wrong on “Who Wants to be A Millionaire”.

Marge: Last week, some Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn’t let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade. – from The Simpsons, episode “Marge Gets a Job”

Calvin: Exactly! I mean…who wears a suit in the Projects?
Juicy: Jehovah Witnesses?
Calvin: Them and the Bougie man!
- from The PJs, episode “Cliffhangin’ with Mr. Super”

How to Get an “X” Marked over Your House on the “Territory Map”

  • * Every time they say “God,” or the ever-popular “Jehovah-God” say “..or Goddess.”
  • * Go to the Sunday “Public Meeting” at your local Kingdom Hall to share the good news of your religion with them.
  • * Ask them if they think Jesus’ feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner.
  • * Attend the yearly “Memorial” of the Last Supper and actually drink the wine.
  • * Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a God “of love and forgiveness.”
  • * Wear the national flag and start talking about how you’re “proud to be an American” (or whichever country).
  • * Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is at once the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star.
  • * Ask them how the “fruits of the spirit” are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, exJWs who go postal after being disfellowshipped and shunned, JW murderers and rapists, etc. Check the JW News page for the latest.)
  • * Ask them how proud they are that some ultra-right political Christians now share their views on Halloween.
  • * Ask them who Cain married.
  • * Remark that the rapid blinking of the “new light” might be a health hazard to epileptics.
  • * Ask them why the Watch Tower Society is based in New York rather than in any holy city of the bible.
  • * Ask them about the reasons for the recent “corporate restructuring” of the Watch Tower Society.
  • * Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall.
  • * Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing.
  • * Ask them if independent thinking is still “against their religion.” That is actually a prohibition of the group? “Awake!” indeed!
  • When they ask, “Can I talk to you about God?” Reply, “Sure, what would you like to know?”
  • Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
  • For males only: While you’re talking with them, start putting on lipstick… and remark that you have a hot date.
  • Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?”
  • Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, “er, I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.”
  • A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of “The Watchtower” scattered around…
  • Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.
  • Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their loving-kindness and patience last.
  • Say, “I’m sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.”
  • Pick an oft-repeated word in the “approved lexicon” and giggle or say “beep” whenever they utter it. If they ask you what’s going on, say “nothing, why?” in very even tones.

Comedy Sketch

(Author is unknown – I have substantially edited and modified the original as it was sent to me)

Overheard on a telephone line in a rural area of the USA

“…..Well, no, hon, she came over to meet me soon after they moved in and brought some cookies. These people are smart, too! Why, they can read foreign languages! Yes, they can! She is always saying she read something or other in the “Hebrew” or “Greek” scriptures. Fancy that! She doesn’t join in that much though. That’s ok, they scare me anyhow. What?

Well, like, they mean to take over the government! What? No, she didn’t exactly tell me that — but I overheard her on the phone one day and she kept talking about what it would be like under the “New System”!

Yes! She even calls it a theocracy, just like at church – but her version sounds more like those terrorists.
No, no – they won’t help – they don’t even vote!

She said that they are a “great crowd”! And listen, they’re going to make their move real soon, cause she said someone named Jehovah is “speeding it up”! Do you think he might be their leader or something?

And, this scares me too–they have an international spy ring going! It’s a system they developed at the “headquarters in Bethel”, she said. Every cell is already assigned a territory — Yes! They send in their “pioneers” to “spearhead the work”!
Well, I don’t know, but these pioneers go and get their instructions at “the meeting.”

I don’t know why they aren’t in jail already – I already know that they kidnap people. No! They do so! I’ve heard her speak about “the ransom”–bold as you please, I don’t know how many times! And you know, they must make slaves out of the people who don’t get ransomed. They must — she refers to the “slave class” a lot.
I don’t know, we don’t see many black people around here.

And this is something — some are “faithful slaves”, and then there are the “evil slaves.” I figure they’re probably the ones who won’t work – she was telling her friend about someone she said was “inactive” for about a year!

What’s that? Oh, no, there isn’t any way to trace it. It’s some kind of global thing. They have a lot of real estate, though, not only in most towns, but even in Brooklyn, New York City.

No, they don’t pay them anything at all to do it. Members are in all kinds of jobs. I don’t know, but they are always having groups at people’s houses. Avon? Maybe, I need some Skin-So-Soft. The bugs here are…

Yes, well, a few of them must run fabric shops, because she mentions a “remnant” quite a bit. And some raise sheep –
Some have only a “little flock” and some raise the “other sheep” — but she didn’t mention what breed they were. Then some of them are farmers, and their “harvest” is supposedly great. Now, you know how hard most of the farmers in this area have been hit by the drought this year!

Oh, yes! Some of them are even publishers! You can imagine what sort of stuff they print! I think her husband is a doctor or something. She said he had made several calls on some who were irregular — and had very good results!”

You Might Be a JW if…

(Author Unknown – please contact me if you know. Substantially edited and modified from original source, with original contibutions.)

  • If you can imagine newspaper headlines that read “All humans on earth except JWs are destroyed!” with joy in your heart, you’d be a JW.
  • If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you are probably a JW.
  • If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge – despite never having gone to school beyond 12th grade and/or never having read any biblical scholarship – you might be a JW.
  • If you see no problem with arguing that a loving god would never create a hell, while at the same time promoting the idea that this same god is about to kill all non-JW human beings in a fair judgment, you are a JW. For other apocalyptic groups who believe in a different survivor group, just substitute out the name (Christian reconstructionists, etc.).
  • If you cannot imagine that people are capable of ethical and loving behavior outside of complete social control, you may be a JW.
  • If you think passively taking in repetitious brainwashing at several meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, it is possible that you are a JW.
  • If you feel that completely shunning (rather than counselling) people who have committed a sin is ethical and Christian, you may be a JW.
  • If you never talk about grace, but do talk about “loving-kindness,” you are probably a JW.
  • If you allow a corporation to take the place of God, you are either a JW or a religious corporatist.
  • If you think the spiritual center of God’s Kingdom is in New York City, you are either a JW, a religious corporatist, or a stockbroker.
  • If you have ever reported a spouse to the elders for even requesting oral sex, you are probably a JW.
  • If you feel guilty for having a friend or two outside the membership, your community is too controlling – and it might be the JWs.
  • If you think it’s an act of unfaithfulness to God to get an education or a decent job, you may well be a JW.
  • If you think the idea of the trinity is anti-christian, you might be a JW.
  • If you think the name “Jehovah” appeared in the “Greek Scriptures,” you are a JW.
  • If you believe that only anonymous and somewhat secretive organizers in Brooklyn can dictate which bible texts are to be interpreted literally and which symbolically, you are definitely a JW.
  • If you believe that there is only one correct interpretation of a biblical text, you are a poor reader, a fundamentalist, and possibly a JW.
  • If a biblical statement outright disagrees with what is taught in the Watchtower magazine – but you believe the Watchtower is correct, you are a JW.
  • If you consider cleaning up a messy backyard to be practice for working in the “New System of Things on Paradise Earth”, you are a JW (especially if you routinely think in capital letters).
  • If you think demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china, books or blue smurfs, you might be a JW.
  • If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW.
  • If you think that all men with facial hair are unacceptable, you might be a JW.
  • If you think that Overseers do not receive a salary, you are a JW.
  • If your reaction to someone wearing a cross is the same as a vampire’s, you might be a JW.
  • If you think JW’s are not an authoritarian cult, you are probably a JW.
  • If you think the Watchtower is not a brainwashing tool, you may be a JW.
  • If you think field service does not involve agriculture, you might be a JW.
  • If you think elders can be 30 years old, you might be a JW.
  • If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can’t unclasp your right hand, you probably have “bookbagitis” – making you a serious student or a JW (and almost certainly not both).
  • If you can’t have a conversation with another human being without saying “Jehovah,” you are a JW.
  • If you are a male and your first reaction to a brief interruption of a meeting – by the entrance of a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt – is “how immodest that sister is,” then you are a JW.
  • If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it but insist that it is only because they were “on sale,” you are a JW in denial.
  • If you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on “Family Gift Day,” you are a JW with too many “worldly associations” and you are spending too much time in the “gray area.”
  • If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else’s cigarette and no one will believe you that it’s not yours, you’re probably a JW.
  • If you can’t buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95-degree heat, then you may be a JW.
  • If you are a woman who just bought a dress that comes down to your mid-calf, has puffy sleeves, a collar that buttons to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part at the next Assembly.
  • If you have a 3-year old child that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind-numbingly boring topics around him, you have broken your child’s spirit and you might be a JW.
  • If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids, you must be a JW.
  • If you think that all R-rated movies are too worldly and corrupting for grown adults to watch, you might be a JW.
  • If you can’t pick up anything to read without also picking up something to underline or highlight with, you might be a JW.
  • If you divide the biblical texts in terms of the “Hebrew Scriptures” and the “Greek Scriptures,” you are probably a JW.
  • If you suddenly feel smug and superior when you drive by a church, or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, you might be a JW.
  • If you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy when you drive by a Kingdom Hall, you might be a JW.
  • If you’re sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW (but there are other possibilities).
  • If you’ve spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball or drank a beer, you might be a JW (or a Katrina survivor).
  • If you’re always afraid someone might see and hear you when you’re finally just being “normal”, you might be a JW.
  • If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW.
  • If most of your friends are referred to with the title “brother” or “sister” you might be a JW.
  • If you’ve never watched “Friends” or “Seinfeld,” you might be a JW.
  • If your church is a “hall” and a sermon is a “public talk”, you are a JW.
  • If you wash cars, repair refrigerators, install flooring, or clean houses for a living, but still own at least five suits or dresses, you might be a JW.
  • If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.
  • If you’re 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you might be a JW.
  • If you go to New York for the weekend and spend a whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.
  • If the words “New Light” do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW.
  • If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to witness to someone, you may be a JW.
  • If, because of its pagan roots, you have never had a Christmas tree, you might possibly be a JW.
  • If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you have to be a JW.
  • If you find out that your co-worker’s mother died, and your first thought is that it’s a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom… you’re a heartless JW.
  • If the thought of entering a Christian bookstore sends shivers of repulsion/attraction down your spine, you might be a JW.
  • If going to gas station convenience stores feels like recess, you might be a JW in field service.
  • If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service.
  • If you fully expect never to give or receive a present in December, you are probably a JW.
  • If hearing the term “Governing Body” causes you to become awestruck, you might be a JW.
  • If you think the term “pioneer” refers to someone who works full-time for free, you might be a JW.
  • If you believe that it is a example of love and kindness to visit with your grandchildren while forcing your ex-JW daughter to sit in the car outside, you are by definition a JW.
  • If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are really demons, you are probably a JW.
  • If, as a teenager, you were actively discouraged from listening to contemporary music (whether country, folk, rock, heavy metal, disco, ethereal, punk, rap – or whatever), you might possibly be a JW (especially if you believe that KISS was an acronym for “Knights in Satan’s Service”).
  • If you see the title of “All Along the Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix and you feel spiritually refreshed, but afraid to listen to the song, you might be a JW.
  • If Gospel music makes you cringe, but Kingdom Songs make you feel good, you have to be a JW. Anyway, who else knows the Kingdom Songs?
  • If the word “apostate” terrifies you, you might be a JW.
  • If you think 1914 is a significant year in an apocalyptic timeline, you might be a JW.
  • If you think (or used to think) that 1975 was a significant year in an apocalyptic timeline, you are probably a former JW.
  • If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW.
  • If you think you, on your own, misinterpreted or imagined the year 1975 as the year the end would come, thereby absorbing all responsibility away from the Watch Tower Society, you are a JW in good standing.
  • If your closet is full of polyester suits, you might be an aluminum-siding salesman and/or a JW.
  • If you think that a door slamming shut is actually a form of persecution against the righteous, you might be a JW.
  • If you think the “New World Translation” is the least biased and most accurate translation of the Bible, you are a JW.
  • If you think “The Finished Mystery” book that was released in 1917 was “meat in due season”, you are a JW who has never read the book.
  • If you think the organization was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW.
  • If you believe that – mysteriously – there was a Governing Body before 1971, you are a current JW.
  • If you justify watching the Jerry Springer show by saying that the people who pass the microphones remind you of a meeting, you might be a JW.
  • If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God’s way of doing things, you are a JW.
  • If the Watch Tower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.

Are Cats for Christians?
A great example of Watch Tower Society style of argument, this shows how anything can be manipulated into WT reasoning. It was originally posted at http://home.talkcity.com/curioct/ – a page that has since disappeared but you still might be able to contact the author Dave Buskirk. Interestingly enough, a non-joke version of the same sort of argument was posted at a circuit overseer’s page (www.angelfire.com/ky/proclaimer/cat.htm), which was taken down within weeks of my posting this. It has been reposted by the same JW at https://www.home.no/carloc/cat.htm – take a read for yourself!)

Many conscientious ones among Jehovah’s people today have wondered if Christians should own cats. The issue is of life-or-death importance since to stumble a brother that Christ died for is tantamount to “putting a millstone around the neck and being thrown into the sea.” Clearly our eternal salvation is involved.

First let us consider what most scholars agree is the original Greek for the English word cat is felos domesticus meaning literally “a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior.” Clearly the Bible by using this kind of original Greek shows beyond a doubt that the basic nature of cats is evil or “beastlike” much like Satan the “Original Serpent” and “the Great Dragon”. There are numerous reasons why a Loyal Dedicated Servant of God should use their Bible-trained conscience to arrive at a proper understanding of why Cats are not for Christians. Consider the following facts with an open mind:

  • It was a common practice in ancient Egypt to worship cats as gods. As Christians we are to “guard ourselves from idols” and “worship no other gods”. Such feline influence could lead to idolatry and thereby “grieve Jehovah’s spirit” with tragic consequences.
  • Cats were most likely present at Herod’s birthday party when John the Baptist was beheaded. Clearly then, as loyal Christians, why would we even want to associate with animals that are without a doubt of such bad influence remembering “bad associations spoil useful habits”? To invite cats in our house may result in the same grave consequences as suffered by John the Baptist. Clearly, God disapproved of this party. Should we not then disapprove of cats the way God does? Surely!
  • Throughout history, particularly in the middle ages and reaching its climax in the Salem Witch Trials, cats were recognized as carriers if not direct incarnates of demons. Since cats were associated with the devil could we as loyal and dedicated servants of God therefore associate with cats and thereby associate with Satan himself the “God of this system of things”? Would we want to be subject to such vile influence and possible demonic attacks? Surely not!
  • Nowhere in the Bible are any type of cats spoken of in favorable terms. In fact was it not lions of the first century who the Devil used to devour faithful Christians? God himself “Stopped up the mouths of lions” in Daniel’s day. True, the small housecats of today are not lions, but being of the same cursed animal family used by the Devil on numerous occasions throughout history, would it be wise or appropriate to own one? In addition, by owning any type of cat, would we not give an appearance of condoning their evil deeds throughout recorded Bible and secular history. The Bible makes clear that God’s people are “no part of the world” and that we are “not to share in the sins of others.”
  • The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Job, the Apostles, or Jesus himself owned a cat. This was most likely because they didn’t want to be like the Pagan contemporaries of their day who showed no regard for how God feels about owning cats. In harmony with the pattern set by the faithful prophets of old, surely it would not be fitting for a Christian today to own a cat.
  • Finally, cats are unclean animals. Some unclean practices indulged in by cats include coughing up furballs, licking inappropriate body areas, urinating on the floor, eating dead animals with their blood, sexual misconduct without the benefit of marriage, abuse of catnip, and stealing food from the table, just to name a few. Uncleanness is one of the “works of the flesh” condemned by the apostle Paul. The Bible clearly shows that “neither fornicators ……….or thieves will not inherit the Kingdom”. In addition Paul admonishes us to “quit mixing in company” with such unclean ones. Although the Apostle Paul was speaking primarily about Christians who fell into sin, there is no reason to conclude that this Inspired Biblical principle can not be applied to association with cats. Uncleanness is condemned by Jehovah and the fact that the Apostle Paul made no distinction when it came to associating with house cats proves beyond a doubt that Loyal Christians must avoid all association with such animals.

Are we not grateful for this new light coming from God’s organization? Sister Catless tells us that since getting rid of her cat she has not had to be preoccupied with cleaning the litterbox and now has alot more time to go pioneering. Brother Bobcat puts it this way, “I’m so grateful that God freed me of the burden of owning a cat. I hope all of the brothers will realize how the devil uses cats to corrupt us and distract from the preaching work.”(Matt 24:14)

What fine examples of faithfulness! As loyal followers of Christ’s thinking on this matter, we can rejoice in the fact that in the new system God will reward all of our efforts to maintain integrity by loyally submitting to the leading of his spirit through the “Faithful and discreet slave”. – Dave Buskirk

Are Cats For Christians? A Response!
Here is a counter-argument from a reader
“First let us consider what most scholars agree is the original Greek for the English word cat is felos domesticus…”. I don’t know what the exact Greek word is, but ‘domesticus’ is a very Latin word, certainly not a Greek one. Furthermore, I don’t believe there’s ever made any mention of a cat in the Holy Bible, Old or New Testament. There are indeed several appearances of lions, but for them the Greek word “leon” (lambda-epsilon-omega-nu) is used.

And then there’s a consideration about whether Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Job, the Apostles, or Jesus himself owned a cat. No one says they did, but neither do they say they didn’t. Absence of proof cannot be held as proof of absence. Rather than a beast of Satan, isn’t a cat more like Christ himself? A cat is said to have nine lives. Did not the Messiah arose from death on the third day? I’ll leave it to you whether or not this makes a cat a divine animal…

And now for some biblical evidence Christians in fact should own cats…

  • Genesis 1:25 “And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.”
  • Genesis 1:28 “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

If we stick to creationism (for the sake of the argument), we must conclude that cats, like all other animals, are created by God himself (Ge 1:25). We humans on the other hand, are meant to have dominion over them, as well as all others (Ge 1:28). What could be a better way to have dominion over cats than to keep them in our own gardens and houses, where we can control them best?” – submitted by Thomas Corthals

Is it scriptural to trim nose hair?
This was written and sent in by Subir Kaunds and is republished here with his permission. Thank you!

A Christian is governed by conscience. And some Christians may feel, in the absence of any specific prohibition in the Bible, that trimming nose hair does not go against their conscience. But is that the correct view? Since we hold the scripture as our unfailing guide, we want to be “full grown in our powers of understanding” (1 Corinthians 14:20), and understand “the deep things of God.” (1 Corinthians 2:10).

To understand the issue under discussion, three things have to be taken into consideration. The meaning of ‘nose’ in the scriptures; the figurative use of ‘hair’; and scriptural principles that have a bearing on the matter.

First the nose or nostrils. When God created Adam, he proceeded to “blow into his nostrils the breath [form of nesha·mah’ in Hebrew] of life, and the man came to be a living soul.” (Genesis 2:7) This “breath of life” not only filled the lungs with air but also imparted to the body the life-force that is sustained by breathing. The breath being drawn into the body through the nostrils is essential to life; it sustains the life-force. At the Flood, “everything in which the breath of the force of life was active in its nostrils, namely, all that were on the dry ground, died.” (Genesis 7:22).

The Hebrew word for nose or nostrils (´aph) is frequently used to refer to the entire face. Adam was sentenced to earn his livelihood from the ground ‘in the sweat of his face [literally, “nose” or “nostrils”].’ (Genesis 3:19) Lot bowed down with his face (nose) to the ground before the visiting angels. (Genesis) 19:1.1

So it is clear from the above that when the Bible speaks of the nose it actually refers to the entire face and that the nose is the fundamental organ that keep us alive since it is the genesis of the life-force. Keeping this point in mind we now have to see what the word ‘hair’ means in scripture.

One may be forgiven for thinking that all hair in the human body is the same. It is the same as saying that the toes are the same as the fingers (both being digits) or that the elbow is the same as the knee (both being joints) or that the scalp is the same as the soles of the feet (both being skin).

The hairs of the head, facial hair and pubic hair though fundamentally the same in substance, have different textures and uses. This dissimilarity becomes more pronounced when we consider the other hairs on the body like those which are found in our ear or inside the nostrils. About the hair in our ears consider the following information that appear in The Awake magazine issue of January 22, 1990 (published by the Watch Tower Society).

“[In one of the walls in the inner ear known as] the basilar membrane, is the highly sensitive organ of Corti, named after Alfonso Corti, who in 1851 discovered this true center of hearing. Its key part consists of rows of sensory hair cells, some 15,000 or more. From these hair cells, thousands of nerve fibers carry information about the frequency, intensity, and timbre of the sound to the brain, where the sensation of hearing occurs… thus sound of a specific frequency produces waves that flex the basilar membrane at a specific spot, causing the hair cells there to react and send signals to the brain. The location of hair cells would correspond to the frequency, and the number of hair cells triggered would correspond to the intensity.”

In the light of this scientific fact can we conclude that the hairs inside the ear are the same as those on the head? A ear specialist would laugh at the suggestion. The same is the case with hair inside the nose. Consider the following facts:

“The olfactory area is located in the upper part of the nasal cavity, where the olfactory nerves terminate in hairlike endings; also fine endings of the trigeminal nerve are found in this area. The sense of smell in humans is very acute. According to an article in the Scientific American (February 1964, p. 42): “The sense of smell obviously is a chemical sense, and its sensitivity is proverbial; to a chemist the ability of the nose to sort out and characterize substances is almost beyond belief. It deals with complex compounds that might take a chemist months to analyze in the laboratory; the nose identifies them instantly, even in an amount so small (as little as a ten-millionth of a gram) that the most sensitive modern laboratory instruments often cannot detect the substance, let alone analyze and label it.” The nose also plays a large part in taste. There are four primary tastes: sweet, salt, sour, and bitter. These the taste buds in the mouth recognize. But much of the flavor in food is enjoyed because of the sense of smell. For example, a person whose nostrils are stopped up finds difficulty in distinguishing between two kinds of food, as most things then taste more or less flat.” (*1)

These facts prove that the hairs in the ears and in the nose are actually nerves and not hairs at all. Can you imagine pubic hair helping us to smell and taste? But nasal hair does. We smell and taste due to the “hairlike endings” which are actually nerves.

This is also proved by the fact that some of us may even find that bright sunlight is enough to cause sneezing. This is because the eye nerves are closely connected with the nerve endings in the nose. (Awake 90 6/8)

In fact nasal hair may also have a part to play in digestion. Awake of February 8, 1987 (page 30) had this to say: “According to Dr. Volker Schusdziarra from the University of Munich, peptides (chemical compounds) that control digestion and arouse feelings of hunger and satiety and that are normally found in the stomach and intestine have recently been detected not only in the brain but also in the nerve cells of the retina. The German medical magazine Zeitschrift für Allgemeinmedizin reports that new variations of these substances are discovered continually. It appears that they carry messages between the sensory organs (eyes, nose, tongue, and so forth), the brain, and the digestive system.”

To sum up, we see that the nose often refers to the face and nasal hair is not hair at all but nerves. Hence, trimming nasal hair is actually like cutting the nerves of one’s face. In the light of this let us turn to the Bible to understand the scriptural principles.

Christians are aware of scriptures like 1 Corinthians 11:14: “Does not nature itself teach YOU that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him.” And Leviticus 19:27: “YOU must not cut YOUR sidelocks short around, and you must not destroy the extremity of your beard.” However these commands cannot be applied to nasal hair since we have seen that nasal hair is actually nerve.

However two scriptures have a bearing on the matter under discussion. God’s law to the Israelites stated: “YOU must not make cuts in your flesh.” (Leviticus 19:28). As we have seen trimming nasal hair is tantamount to cutting the nerves of one face.

Moreover wise King Solomon observed: “For the churning of milk is what brings forth butter, and the squeezing of the nose is what brings forth blood, and the squeezing out of anger is what brings forth quarreling.” (Proverbs 30: 33). Here tampering with the nose is equated with provocative wrath. Remember that the Bible repeatedly warns against wrath and anger (Colossians 3:6).

In view of the foregoing, mature Christians may take a dim view of trimming nasal hair. In fact trimming of such hair could only be allowed as part of an emergency surgical procedure. Cosmetic trimming of such hair may not be proper. The principle found at 1 Timothy 2:9 would apply: “Not with styles of hair braiding.” Here it is the principle of avoiding cosmetic procedures that is important, rather than the type of hair. Also as Matthew 10:30 assures us: “The very hairs of your head are all numbered.””Obviously the hair here is used figuratively and includes all hair not just on the head.

An important point to keep in mind is that God’s law prohibited certain ones from the assembly. We read at Leviticus 21:18, “In case there is any man in whom there is a defect, he may not come near: a man blind or lame or with his nose slit or with one member too long.” Since the scriptures show that trimming nose hair is like maiming the face one who indulges in such practices cannot be appointed to privileges in the congregation.

NOTES

1 Insight on the Scriptures, vol ll, pg 509-510, (published by the Watch Tower Society).
2 Hair on the head is also a marvelous product of intelligent design. Awake of August 22, 1989 (pg 31) reported: “Drugs such as cocaine and heroin, for example, will not be found in the urine even a few days after use. Yet these drugs will show up in a hair analysis months later.” This is because drug residues remain embedded in the hair as it grows. Bernard Gropper of the National Institute of Justice observes: “Hair has the advantage of long-term memory. It’s a permanent record, like tree rings. A three-inch [8 cm] strand of hair will give a six-month history, since head hair grows at a rate of about a half inch [1 cm] a month.”
And this passage from Awake of November 22, 1972: “Your hair actually can indicate the condition of your health. This is due to the fact that hair is one of the fastest growing tissues in the body, and any abnormalities in the chemistry of your body will show up in the growth structure of your hair. Some doctors are even beginning to think that it is possible to diagnose a person’s illnesses by examining a strand of hair.”

20 Comments

  1. I heard this joke when I was a young JW on Johnny Carson Im not sure who the comedian was it was the late eigties Im not sure if you have heard it or not “I went to a Jehovahs Witnesses funeral the other day…I didnt really want to but they came to my door” (rim shot) Also I remember one that went ” Do you know how to tell when it is really cold outside? You open your door to find a JW stuck to your storm door

  2. Good ones! Thank you.

    “Stuck to your screen door” hee-hee – That would be a great cartoon….

  3. I can’t believe no one has heard this one and sent it to you. I grew up going door to door.

    “Q. Why are JW girls so flat chested? A. with a small push to the chest”Get off the porch!”

  4. in response to how many JWs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    -Undecided. But I’m sure we’ll be seeing an article soon in the Awake! as to whether or not screwing a light blub is a disfellowshipping offense!

  5. Pingback: Feedback on JW Jokes | VirusHead

  6. A man met a vampire on the road,

    Trying to scare the vampire off, He flashed his rosary cross.

    The vampire grinned and said, hehe i’m not afraid of the cross I am studying with a JW and I learned its not true.

    A JW ! screamed the man in panic, well in that case you should not bite me! JW’s don’t eat blood!!!

    The vampire laughed.

    We haven’t studied that yet! :)

  7. Most of your jokes are funny. But one i have issue with.

    But being formerly a JW i will say that my Bible knowledge is superior to most, even though i have had only 12 years of public education and no seminary training. W

    With some very simple research tools (strongs, vines ect.., ) i can answer most any question and speak authoritatively about greek and hebrew words ( this was all taught to me by the Jehovah’s Witnesses). I know most bible passages. They taught me alot.

    They are good people who are sincerely trying to worship God. They love people, . Do you think it is easy for them? What do you think would motivate someone to visit you like that? Sure, they believe you are going to be destroyed shortly, but at least they are out there trying to help you instead of just letting you rot. Would you do the same?

  8. Don’t you think this is rude?

  9. Wow, a website for disgruntled Jw’s. what a bunch of baby whiners. I have been to many diff religions during my last 65 yrs. catholics that tried to molest me, Baptists that were always hitting on my gorgeous wife, Methodists that were too “catholic” , jews that always wanted my money, on and on. the only religion that I have felt good about and ever learned about God,Jesus, the Bible and more was with the Witnesses. No pressure,no sexual confrontations, no money promos. We have made more good friendships than with any other religion. A group that dresses nicely, no confessing to someone to talk to God for me and forgive my sins and no pressure to join the witnesses.” . yes, there are rules but most,not all, make sense. There are rules in all religions,i don’t have to tell you. Most jokes are demeaning and I don’t like them esp coming from the disgruntled JW’s . I have yet to hear real reasons that JW’s aborted the religion. was it not having xmas, TG, BD parties? where is the brainwashing come in. If that is true well, then all religions are brainwashing children and adults. no more to say except that ex witness know what they are doing to please God and themselves….God will Bless you just do the work TS

    • If you’re happy, then the humor isn’t intended for you. This is to help former JWs get a little distance. There are a wide range of reasons that people leave. For me, it was observing a lack of the fruits of the spirit (especially basic kindness), the discouraging of higher education, the treatment of women and children, the effects on extended families, the pathological superiority/inferiority dynamics, and the horrible caricature of God. I can appreciate that your experience is different, and so is your path. But this isn’t about whiners or disgruntled people, but rather helping people who have been genuinely hurt. Simple compassion might rule out some of your response, but unfortunately, the attitude you present is common. Best wishes to you anyway!

  10. @TSHORSE The only thing you stated that made any sense was this: “all religions are brainwashing children and adults”. I find it sad that you choose to believe in such non sense just grasping onto “something, anything” just so you can feel some sense of comfort. If we raised our children to believe Santa was “his” name and we just had to stay off his naughty list…eggnog was the blood of Santa, Ho Ho Ho was our closing after each yule tide prayer…Twas the night before Christmas was the good book, the reindeer are the avengers or angels, the abominable snowman was the anti Santa, this is what the population WOULD believe.Of course, we would change text and rules as time goes on and that’s okay…Santa wants his original rules changed to fit the current money contributors.I am anticipating your brainwashed response quoting the usual diatribe that the brainwashed do. It is just sad.

  11. Is that article about nasal hair for real? I used to be a JW in my younger days. That is a seriously self-righteous prig of the first order. Had I been born 30 years earlier then Id have been a good candidate for the Hitler Youth. Youth doesn’t much care what it believes in, just needs something to be passionate about. That’s a big market that not a few organisations are buying in to every day.

    What struck me was the method of argument. The style is the same as the the stuff I wanted to believe back in the 70′s. The usual scriptural references are there of course but somehow the strength of the reference is not (sorry for this) not like it used to be.

    And the argument itself is not as coherent or nearly as well crafted as I experienced in my earlier days.

    Then again I am 40 years older.

  12. DUH! Sorry Subir Kaunds, it was good enough to make me think it once graced the pages of the Watchtower.

  13. I’ve heard lots of “you might be an ex-JW if…”. I came up with a few of my own. At least I think they are my own. Anyway. If you still feel pangs of guilty when you buy a scratch off lottery ticket, you might be an ex-JW. If you still have this feeling that you are suppose to be somewhere other then where you are on a Tuesday or Thursday evening around 7:30. You might be an ex-JW.

    Love the jokes. Since I’m an ex JW, I get them!

  14. Congratulations to the ex-JWs here — I know of too many families that have been ripped apart by strident and narrow-minded JWs. It’s sad.

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