Euphemistic Translation of F the South
(But hey, it wasn’t just the south….) Here is my euphemistic translation of the above page, changes in italics (thanks Tom JJ for the link!):
Bang the South. Bang ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves – yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We’re the bucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the
Cause we banging founded this country, you detestable persons. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that deceptiveness about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the banging sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were bucking blue-staters, inept person. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the banging monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the signal of angry dismissal out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and banging Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those bucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for banging blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their bucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this jobbie, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years" mean stupid persons. Buck off and go away.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being bucking arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don’t think so. Arrogance is the bucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn’t be so banging arrogant if I wasn’t paying for your bucking bridges, spiteful and malicious woman.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your bucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a bucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s an undesirable place to live or work," we said, but you had to have your bucking orange juice.
The next bunglegump who says, "It’s your money, not the government’s money" is gonna get their bottom kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal banging dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, Oedipal-guy, they’re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, insidious runt, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, clueless ones, it’s banging our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own banging stop signs, you thoroughly useless ones whose actions add to the problems of others.
Let’s talk about those values for a banging minute. You and your Southern values can clamp my backside with your teeth because the blue states got the values over you banging “Real Americans” every day of the male deity condemned week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping worthless bunglers? Well? Can you guess? It’s banging Massachusetts, the bucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the banging nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are banging blue states, dupa-opening, and most are in the Northeast, where our values pull into a vacuum so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to bucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are banging excessively red we’re-so-bucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its bucking part.
But two guys making out is going to banging ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little spurious males. Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we bucking get to hear about it every doomed year at election time. Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re banging towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us bucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous posterior vents? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the banging Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, trap.
Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical shiznit and roughly push it up your nether parts.
And no, you can’t have your bucking convention in New York next time. You are metaphysically dismissed.