Ahhhhh, spring. The azaleas are starting to bloom, and everything smells fresh and alive.

Unfortunately, I am still weighed down by this dissertation project.

I would like nothing better than to spend every day planting things and taking Ben to the park and walking and even working at my job… but I have to overcome this existential dread and finish this thing. I’m planning on handing it in very soon. It is discouraging to think of how much more could be said, how many books I read and researched that don’t make it into the final draft, how limited my scope has become. But, a good dissertation is one that is finished, and I so need to be finished. Maybe I’ll pick it up again in a couple of years and make a book out of it, when I can stand to think about viruses again – maybe it would be more fun again then.

Despite my feeling that I couldn’t afford to do it, I went Thursday to the memorial service at the senior living center where my father used to live. It just didn’t seem right that there wasn’t any funeral or service. It was a surprisingly moving interdenominational service, including about a dozen people who had died. A short eulogy was presented for each person – "independence" was the word most people seemed to associate with my dad (*wry smile*). I was impressed by the kindness and humor and sadness – all wrapped up together. After each eulogy, there was a candle lit, a chime, and those who were gathered said, "May the peace of God be with —". It was moving to hear about all the other people too, as though he were in a little club. I was very happy that I participated – but again, it was time, time, time.

Ben has some friends coming for a sleepover tonight – so tonight and tomorrow morning are shot as well. And of course, I’m writing something that is not my dissertation….right now! At his point, I would rather eat live ants than continue writing this thing. It could have been so amazing, so brilliant – and somehow it is not living up to my vision for it.

I can only do the best I can with the time I have left….again, an existential dilemna. I still say the most important things to say, talk about the most important examples. I do have the knowledge, and I probably really am the world’s expert in this particular topic of how viruses are imagined in contemporary fiction. It’s just…. this thing could really have been brilliant, and I somehow got into an adversarial relationship with it! With a piece of my own writing… how bizarre.

I’ll let you know how it all turns out. I’ll be doing revisions straight through to July, I suspect.