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Jokes for your weekend

Jokes for your weekend

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Some miscellaneous jokes for those of you who are trying to activate or maintain a sense of humor.

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ” I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, ” But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

“Two dogs, please.” Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part of the dog did you get?”

“Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is ‘butt dust’?”

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver said, “Bout what?”

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

“As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we’ll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.” – Craig Kilborn

“Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.” – Bill Maher

“President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications.” – Tina Fey, SNL

The White House announced today that next month Vice President Dick Cheney will get a colonoscopy. It’s important that you get these on a regular basis. You know, the last time he had one, they found one polyp and three oil company executives up there. – Jay Leno, July 8, 2005

Computer Haiku

Computer Haiku

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Found this in my ancient “humor” folder. It was probably sent to me in one of those old emails – after all this time, I still find this little collection of computer haiku very cheerful.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows Version crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Just for Fun

Just for Fun

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Some fun stuff I’ve stumbled across recently:

List of curse words invented by authors of fiction (emphasis on science fiction / fantasy). I like bastich.
(Posted at Everything Isn’t Under Control)

In the mood to judge others? Judge for yourself at Ultimate Judgment. Complete with evidence photos.

Strange Mag explores strange phenomena – very fun.

How to Perform “Strong Man” Stunts – from an old book. Do I need to know how to resist the pull of four men? (hee hee, evil snort) I’d like to try lifting a man overhead with one hand!

This one gets to me – crying while eating.

Old hobo slang

Play Twenty Questions with an artificial intelligence.

Jesus thinks you’re a Jerk

Jesus thinks you’re a Jerk

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An oldie, but I can’t resist:

Frank Zappa
Jesus Thinks You’re a Jerk

There’s an ugly little wasel ’bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin’ ’n lyin’
’cause her sweet little hubby’s
Suckin’ prong part time
(in the name of the lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you’re a jerk

Did he really choose tammy to do his work?
Robertson says that he’s the one
Oh he sure is,
If armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An’ he’s got some planned for you!
(now, tell me that ain’t true)

Now, what if jimbo’s slightly gay,
Will pat let jimbo get away?
Everything we’ve heard him say
Indicated that jim must pay,
(and it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin’ in,
’cause pat and naughty jimbo
Can’t get enough of it

Perhaps it’s their idea
Of an affirmative action plan
To give white trash a ’special break’;
Well, they took those jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! to the bank! to the bank! to the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(while you all smell the glove)

Jim and pat should take a pole
(right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too —
Just like they’d love to do to you

(’cause they think you are bad —
And they are very mad)

’cause some folks don’t want prayer in school!

(we’d need an ark to survive the drool
Of micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And ’jimbo-jimbo’ when they graduate)

Conviced they are ’the chosen ones’ —
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the n.r.a.
(with their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)

With a ku-klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain’t born again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin’:
’no abortion, no-siree!’
’life’s too precious, can’t you see!’
(what’s that hangin’ from the neighbor’s tree?
Why, it looks like ’colored folks’ to me —
Would they do that…seriously? )

Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire television evangelist,
Saved from korean combat duty by his father, a u.s. senator

Studied law —
But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a ’love child’
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa’s religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a ’faith healer’,
But has, in the past,
Dealt stearnly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for a ’secret war’ in central america
Claiming ronald reagan and oliver north as close friends

Involved in suspicous ’tax-avoidance schemes’,
(under investigation for 16 months by the i.r.s.)

Claims to be a man of god;
Currenty seeking the united states presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into —
The twilight zone

What if pat gets in the white house,
And suddenly —
The rights of ’certain people’ disappear
Mysteriously?

Now, wouldn’t that sort of qualify
As an american tragedy?
(especially if he covers it up, sayin’
’jesus told it to me!’)

I hope we never see that day,
In the land of the free —
Or someday will we?
Will we?

And if you don’t know by now,
The truth of what I’m tellin’ you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow —

And jesus will think I’m a jerk, just like you —
If you let those tv preachers
Make a monkey out of you!

I said:
’jesus will think you’re a jerk’
And it would be true!

There’s an old rugged cross
In the land of cutton —
It’s still burnin’ on somebody’s lawn
And it still smells rotten

Jim and tammy!
Oh, baby!
You gotta go!
You really got to go!

Disney Alter Ego

Disney Alter Ego

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You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever.

Sleeping Beauty 94%
Goofy 69%
The Beast 69%
Cinderella 69%
Cruella De Ville 63%
Peter Pan 63%
Donald Duck 56%
Pinocchio 50%
Snow White 38%
Ariel 31%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

I was acually hoping for Maleficent – Cruella de Ville is close, I guess. Sleeping Beauty, yeah, ok. Goofy is just odd. I like that I’m more like the Beast than like Cinderella, and more like Peter Pan than Donald Duck. But more like Pinocchio than Snow White? That’s a little disturbing- grin. Am I a little “wooden” – I certainly never wanted to be “a real boy.” Grin.