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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE by Basil Fawlty

Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon – get used to it).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Last but not the least, and for heaven’s sake…..it’s Nuclear as in “clear” NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

F the South

(But hey, it wasn’t just the south….) Here is my euphemistic translation of the above page, changes in italics (thanks Tom JJ for the link!):

Bang the South. Bang ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves – yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We’re the bucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we banging founded this country, you detestable persons. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that deceptiveness about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the banging sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were bucking blue-staters, inept person. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the banging monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the signal of angry dismissal out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and banging Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those bucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for banging blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their bucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this jobbie, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years" mean stupid persons. Buck off and go away.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being bucking arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don’t think so. Arrogance is the bucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn’t be so banging arrogant if I wasn’t paying for your bucking bridges, spiteful and malicious woman.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your bucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a bucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s an undesirable place to live or work," we said, but you had to have your bucking orange juice.

The next bunglegump who says, "It’s your money, not the government’s money" is gonna get their bottom kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal banging dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, Oedipal-guy, they’re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, insidious runt, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, clueless ones, it’s banging our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own banging stop signs, you thoroughly useless ones whose actions add to the problems of others.

Let’s talk about those values for a banging minute. You and your Southern values can clamp my backside with your teeth because the blue states got the values over you banging “Real Americans” every day of the male deity condemned week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping worthless bunglers? Well? Can you guess? It’s banging Massachusetts, the bucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the banging nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are banging blue states, dupa-opening, and most are in the Northeast, where our values pull into a vacuum so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to bucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are banging excessively red we’re-so-bucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its bucking part.

But two guys making out is going to banging ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little spurious males. Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we bucking get to hear about it every doomed year at election time. Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re banging towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us bucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous posterior vents? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the banging Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, trap.

Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical shiznit and roughly push it up your nether parts.

And no, you can’t have your bucking convention in New York next time. You are metaphysically dismissed.

George W. Bush visits a primary school and is sitting in one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says President Bush,”that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted leader. “That’s what we would
call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims President Bush, “That’s right. And can you tell me
why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it sure wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

(Whew! Thanks Karin A!)

Trout Fishing in South-Central Wisconsin has this comic by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Kinda sums up how I’ve felt the last couple of days. Sorry for the language, but creative adjectives really do need brain power – and my battery is out too.