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Rambling post on Suicide and Jehovah’s Witnesses

Rambling post on Suicide and Jehovah’s Witnesses

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Christian Peper has made a good start in thinking about suicide and Jehovah’s Witnesses, and it’s worth a read. I’m just using his post as a starting point to bounce some ideas around.

Suicide isn’t really any kind of sure way for JWs to hedge their bets. The position on suicide was one of their rare agreements with the Catholic Church. JWs don’t believe in hell, but they used to say that suicides could not be resurrected because it was an ultimate rejection of the gift of life. It’s not one of the main points that gets repeated and repeated, so many JWs might not even be aware of that position. Commenter Stacey1970 points out that the Watchtower Society actually took a step back from judgment in the 1990 Awake! – I wonder why?

This 1990 Awake! article (it’s so sad they hid this doctrinal change in the Awake!, since the Watchtower is their doctrinal magazine, it seems they would have printed it there too…) from Sept 8th, states:

“Love strengthens our recognition that suicide—though evading one’s own burdens—only heaps more problems on loved ones left behind. As far as the one who rashly took his own life is concerned, we humans cannot judge as to whether he will get a resurrection or not. How reprehensible was he? God alone searches ‘all hearts and every inclination of the thoughts.’ (1 Chronicles 28:9) But we may be confident that ‘the Judge of all the earth is going to do what is loving, just, and right!’—Genesis 18:25.”

Is there a similar Watchtower article? I’m sure there must be an article on suicide somewhere (will look up later) for comparison.

When I think of my own transition through depressive, melancholy times, and of people I have known or talked with later on, I feel that that it may not matter so much what the position on resurrection is for someone who feels suicidal. Someone who wants to kill herself or himself feels done. They want escape, or just an end to feelings of despair. It is painful and horrible to be desperate or tired enough to consider killing yourself. Would a person in such a state necessarily care whether or not he or she were resurrected? I don’t know, but I somehow don’t think so.

Yes, there is a focus on death and destruction, but the energy isn’t so much about anger. JWs have usually been pacifists (except for that weird 3rd cousin Waco offshoot). JWs don’t vote, or fight. If some of them got a little angry once in a while, there might be more real discussions. It is short-circuited at the start. I think that might change, though, judging by the comments of some current JWs. Now, they direct their anger at people who criticize the Watchtower Society – but that anger is new – where will it go? (Note: The comments on JW-related posts are often troubling, in many ways. There is a lot of anger to go around.)

Some Jehovah’s Witnesses try not to think about what they are actually saying about Armageddon, and they fear it, and they bury their fear. They expect the God of Love – Jehovah-God, through the Archangel and Mediator Michael (Jesus) to do the actual killing. JWs are just preparing the way… or something like that.

Some JWs simply want to think that if they obey every rule, they will be favored. They are the ones who could most benefit from the idea of grace (that is never discussed).

They think that if they follow the leadership of the “governing body”, then they will get a reward. I grew up with a completely different idea about keeping “your eyes on the prize.” It was a song, and it wasn’t about civil rights.

It’s deferred gratification, but hey – who wouldn’t like to live on a paradise earth forever, or for even the thousand years before the second judgment? It looks like fun, with the lions lying down with the lamb and all. No pain. No work. Everybody just gets along. No ethereal ambiguous heavenly existence for the “great crowd” – that’s only for the 144,000. No, the great crowd gets paradise – with all the inconvenient other people gone, like in that song “Political Science” by Randy Newman.

For many, for most (not for all, but for most), the best thing seems to be to simply put up with everything, and do what you’re told to do, think what you’re told to think, and feel that you’re doing the right thing – even if that means you don’t talk to your son or your daughter or your mother or father or sister or brother or friend anymore. They think that they might save a life by cutting them off from love. They believe that the only good work is to make more Jehovah’s Witnesses.

They miss so much.

There are no celebrations, few occasions to break into the hours of service and talks and indoc…um…training. JWs don’t celebrate holidays, even their own birthdays. It’s not so much that the specific holidays are so important as that there is no cause for celebration – there is no little light and warmth in winter which to make days to remember, touchstones of repetition in one’s life. No Halloween frolic, no day of carnivale, little dancing, not nearly so much laughter as there should be. Simple kindness is undervalued somewhat, or twisted somehow.

Yet, as a JW, you feel that this is what God wants for you, and you go out and try to convince others that you want to save their lives by introducing them to the “Truth” – the only real religion (the others are demonic). Saving lives – it seems like such a good motivation to sell ideas and books for the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, doesn’t it? And many of the JWs are good people.

Social pressure is intense. The loss of self-determination and the slow ebb from freedom (even the freedom to seek God), are compensated with intense self-righteousness. Hey, I loved explaining to everyone in homeroom why I didn’t salute the flag! I felt special, even if the differences were also difficult (I wanted to sing the Christmas songs and make Valentines).

I felt right. That’s the hard part. Oh, that’s so hard to give up, once you’re accustomed to that feeling. I struggle with it. I still love to be right.

Suppose you have to admit you are wrong. Tough, isn’t it? Suppose you didn’t have a friend, or any family that would speak to you if you did admit you were wrong. Makes it harder still. Sometimes people set themselves up, or lash out, or identify with what they have been told former Witnesses are. It takes a lot of windup to go.

It helps if you just leave the area, but you’ve got to develop new skills.

I had it easy, really – I was leaving for a while, for lots of reasons. I still had my family, and I had “worldly” friends that were strangely kind and understanding and supportive. I read a lot, too, which also helps more than I ever knew at the time. I left.

Some are kicked. Everyone participates in shunning the “unrepentant ones,” and among some congregations, there are internal urban myths – such as that the belief that once away from the “Truth”, you will be spiritually attacked by by by…demons. These demons are depicted as even more frightening and evil than this “wordly satanic system of things” which, to them, is our common reality.

Some of them even feared Smurfs. Smurfs with mystique. I remember the story of the wallpaper with demonic Smurfs that came to life. I wonder if that JW urban myth led directly to the animation at the beginning of “Dragon Tales”? Hmmm.

Depression, glumness. Glum. Like Puritans.

So then, if a JW is dealing with a real issue or problem, and isn’t necessarily ready to leave, who does the JW turn to? The elders? Elders don’t really have the training or even (usually) the inclination to shepard someone (in the good sense) through a moment of crisis. They’ll be using selected bible verses to support a thinly-veiled argument dictated by someone else – in New York. Asking questions could get you labeled – “gray area” “rebellious” “independent thinker” “worldly” “Memorial members.”

There are problems with power – the JWs are happy to think of themselves as submissive sheep – but righteous, very righteous and preferred by God. These shepards don’t coax, not even with friendly dogs. They are the kind with the whip hidden behind their back. To admit difference is to invite punishment – some of it is subtle, but it is effective. “Only” Jehovah’s Witnesses follow God’s Word – at least in that translation. If you have questions or problems – well, they have to keep the congregation clean.

I would like to see more documentation on the suicide rate among Jehovah’s Witnesses. I would also like to see the same kinds of figures on former Jehovah’s Witnesses (especially those who have been cut off from contact with their families under conditions of disfellowshipping or other ostracizing behaviors). Is anyone tracking this to know the statistics? Has there been a recent study? (I’m already aware of information and news tracking, and the work of such groups as Silent Lambs). Please comment with any information.

Sorry for the rambling quality of the post. I’m working out some things in my mind, trying to think how it might help a former JW who contacted me. Sometimes writing helps – and sometimes the thought process itself might help someone. You never know.

To a Recovering Jehovah’s Witness

To a Recovering Jehovah’s Witness

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Dear C –

As always, take what is helpful to you and reject what doesn’t ring true to your inner self…

If there is a spirit of the cosmos, and if that spirit is what we mean when we talk about “God”, then I have to believe that the spirit is a spirit of Love that holds everything together and makes everything related and connected in a million, mysterious ways. All our words about God are simply ways to place God within a human frame of reference. It’s all metaphor, all of it. We don’t really have the words to describe or understand.

Don’t get hung up on names. Only humans care about names. Come back to that question later, when you don’t have so much scar tissue about it (smile). Yes, pray. Pray if you can. Pray for wisdom and understanding and forgiveness and compassion and clarity and joy and laughter and caring.

Listen to yourself breathe. Maybe you remember the old childhood mantra, “In with the good air, out with the bad.” Let strength and caring in, breathe out despair and depression.

Find and follow your own path, your own light, your own connection. You are unique and all the cosmos wants of you is to be yourself in the best way you can. Support others, care for others. You have an internal sense of ethics and care and attentiveness already – build on that from within. Even biblically (and please remember that the collection of texts that we call the bible is just that, a collection of texts – from several cultural moments and places, and it’s been censored and edited to please very specific audiences), it is said that the kingdom is within you. Spirituality is a lifelong journal journey, not just a moment when you have all the right answers and then you are done.

As for family, what can I say? Yours is being spectacularly intrusive. I would intervene if I were you, but that’s entirely your own decision. At the very least, some basic ground rules for contact with your kids should be established. If it gets any uglier, you could consult a lawyer for the best way to proceed. Meanwhile, tell your daughter something like that some people believe in the end of the world, but that you don’t believe that God wants to torture and kill people. Something like that would go a long way toward undoing the damage. Tell her something, something calmly, lovingly, to ease her fears. Something at a level she can understand.

My son (6) asked me if I thought my father had gone to heaven. I told him that some people believe in a heaven, but that I didn’t know, and that nobody else really knew either.

He asked, “Do I have to decide for myself what I believe?” Yes.
“Do I have to decide _right now_?”
No – (smiling inside) and you might change your mind from time to time.
“Well, then maybe do you think his skeleton will come out and dance with us on Halloween?”

I sort of don’t think so, but if you like, we can do a dance, and pretend that he’s laughing, which is what he might do if he were still here.

We did a dance, and Ben laughed the whole time. It was fun.

With kids, you’ve got to be creative, and not let it get so heavy. Your words mean more to your kids than anybody else’s – but if you’re upset, they’ll know that too. Keep it light and reassuring.

Even without these issues, you are not the only one who cannot rely on biological family! It’s sad, but it’s reality. Even Jesus said – these are my family, these are my brothers and sisters.
And he really didn’t have anything to complain about with his own family if you believe the stories….

I have “adopted” parents and brothers and sisters and cousins. Friends can be family too. Somewhere there is a father and an older brother to give you advice. Somewhere you already have a friend to call, and you’ll have more, because as you refocus you will have more and more to offer to others – understanding, caring, welcoming, laughter, joy.

I read a study not long ago that said that the words that people most wanted to hear from someone else weren’t “I love you”, but instead, “It’s going to be all right.” So let me say to you – Everything is going to be all right. It is. It might be hard, but you’ve gotten this far, and you’re strong enough to refuse abuse and to step out of situations of abuse – physical, emotional, spiritual. Your own self-respect and sense of self-worth is what you have to continue to build on here.

Not all Jehovah’s Witnesses believe they are “better than everyone else.” There are solid good people who are rank and file JWs. The odds are against them, because JWs are so set up – in all sorts of ways – to believe that they are better, that God likes them more, that they are superior. They are told that they are the only ones who matter, and that the only good work that matters is to make more of them. They also block internal questioning or criticism or debate – and train the JWS to believe that independent thinking and reflection and research and meditation are somehow displeasing to God.

JWs are also so controlled by the dictates from the Watchtower publishing corporations that it is easy to understand the longing for personal power, even in these hidden forms. When the lack of power is at issue all the time, when the people willingly take on the identities of sheep and slaves with “overseers”, then the whole issue of free will and religious self-determination gets cross-wired with other things. Statistically, there is also more mental illness, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, pedophilia, and so on as well. It’s a pathological situation.

Still, there are good people in every religious group. Some of it depends on simple timing – when they were brought in, with who, what they are used to, how things connected for them, and so on. Many people are just simply doing the best they can, believing that what they do is right. But yes, of course I have noticed what you’re talking about. To be fair, I think most religions at the edges have people who miss the whole point in just that way –

When kindness and caring are lacking, so is love. Cold, hard, rule-based, totalitarian forms of religion are anti-spiritual (at least, that’s my opinion). They are actually anti-religious, since they don’t “retie or rebind together” but rather “split apart.” There is some form of that, some legalistic fanatical wing, in every organized religion – as we see on the news every night. Is it a war god, a god of death, that they worship? I don’t know – but you have to decide for yourself which is better, what kind of god would be the god of love, and worthy of praise.

It is easy to let someone else take over your spiritual responsibilities. Self-righteousness is very comforting. Humility is more difficult.

The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society hardly ever talks or writes about grace – actually they reject the word “grace” altogether, and their alternate word “loving-kindness” is employed only under very specific conditions. They want that free salesforce out there under their control…

But what kind of God would count the hours selling books and yet turn attention away from the fundamental cruelties to others that JWs endorse? You can’t “earn” some kind of salvation, redemption, or love – least of all by counting hours knocking or by mindlessly following the (often-changing) dictates of a set of corporations based in New York. Actually, I think it’s very funny that they started calling it the “Truth” – with a capital T! That signals enormous insecurity.

Ask yourself every kind of question you can and watch the questions get better. Grow into habits of caring and tolerance and kindness, and watch what happens to you. Small moments matter. Love grows. Kindness blooms. You’ll feel it.

Think of how you are with your children in the most special kind of moment, and imagine:
THIS is how God would view you – as precious, as unbelievably beautiful and real, with kindness, with love.

Daniel Allen Cox – Former JW

Daniel Allen Cox – Former JW

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Listen to Daniel Allen Cox’s interview (from December 2nd) Canadian national radio, CBC Radio One.

The author discusses his life as a Jehovah’s Witness teenager as well as his new novel, the cult hit Tattoo This Madness In (Dusty Owl Press).

Reviews:

“Daniel Allen Cox unravels the twisted truth in the heroic rebel yell of queer youth.” – Richard Burnett, HOUR Magazine

“If William Burroughs and Clive Barker had a love child and fed it only BooBerry cereal, its literary output might be as highly charged and frenetic as the sexy bloodbath that is Tattoo This Madness In…” – Reed Massengill, photographer and author of Portrait of a Racist

Ask a Former JW: Affair Breaks Friendship?

Ask a Former JW: Affair Breaks Friendship?

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I fear I have lost a dear friend, who was a JW in her youth, it was not her choice, but her mother’s. I have tried to be open and loving towards her, but just recently she has entered into an adulterous relationship, while she is still living with her ex husband and their children. I just cannot support this choice of hers. I have tried to get her to ask questions about what she believes, but she slammed the door in my face and accused me of trying to convert her to Christianity. That was certainly NOT what I was trying to do, I just wanted her to ask questions and if she came to the same decision, then that was okay with me. We became friends and I knew she didn’t believe and she knew I did believe, so what changed? I am baffled and she has now eliminated me from her life because of my concern regarding her affair. I don’t know how to proceed without making the situation worse. I didn’t eliminate her from my life, she eliminated me from hers. Any advice you could give me would be very helpful, thanks. – A

A- I’m guessing that the truth is that she is not able to continue in a relationship with you. You know her secret. But I’m wondering how it could be an adulterous relationship if it is her ex-husband that she lives with?

Friends don’t always support one’s choices. She wanted unconditional acceptance from you. When you couldn’t give it, then she is faced with your judgment, and she has decided that the friendship isn’t worth it. A lot would depend on the circumstances of how you found out about the affair. If she is the one who told you, think back on how it was presented for clues on how to proceed.

You might try once more, but your approach cannot be from the standpoint of asking her what she believes. The whole topic of religion, even if that is the comfortable starting point for you, will not be helpful here. I am sure that she is familiar with the religious arguments.

What would be more pertinent from a friend might be something along these lines:

Have you thought about how this could affect your future? (hostilities in the family? affect on the children?)

What are you really seeking in this relationship? (Someone to accept you, build up your ego, rescue from a bad situation, sex? etc)

You can reiterate that you care for her, and that your not supporting what she is doing is a separate issue.

And – no offense – but I wonder whether you are attracted to her yourself and that plays into your concern? If so, she probably knows that and might even be trying to keep you out of an increasingly messy situation.

Try to set your hurt feelings aside – not because they aren’t important, but because they will actually put your ego in the middle of the situation and prevent you from being able to think clearly. Concentrate on your caring for your friend, and think from there. Think the situation through from different perspectives – this gives you more wisdom and discernment.

I don’t feel that this is specifically a JW kind of issue, and I don’t know if any of this would help you or not. Think about all you know of yourself, your friend, and the situation to see if there is a way to heal the breach between you without compromising your ethics.

And if there is not, let it go. There are some things that are outside of one’s control.

Best wishes, and I hope it works out.

Thank you for your quick reply and I will try to use your wisdom, to help me become more understanding. She has entered into an adulterous affair with a married man she recently met and my friend is still living with her ex husband and their children. [The email name] is my husband, so he is not attracted to my friend, this question came from me, A. I think that the ball is in her court now. I have unsuccessfully tried to mend fences several times, to no avail. She did however, excuse me of being a JW, and I have never been a JW. I am just trying to understand why she would do that and what JW’s believe in and why. Was I being like a JW when I truly could not support her decision, not because of my religious beliefs, but my moral beliefs. Having sex with someone else’s husband is, in my opinion, just wrong and hurtful to everyone involved.

Oh – OK, now I understand. So there’s a double-whammy in that the man in question is married, and for some reason she’s living with a man she divorced! The accusation of being like a JW is just simply scar tissue from being of that background. They are extremely legalistic, controlling, and rule-bound, often to the exclusion of higher spiritual understanding and caring. She is simply lashing out against the kind of judgment with which she is most familiar. She may have some other issues that are tied up with her history as a former Jehovah’s Witness, but you can’t really address that. Don’t take it personally. At best, you can gently remind her that you are not a JW, and ask if she’d like to talk about her experiences. She may, or may not.

The real issue is that she’s just not going to accept the criticism and judgment from someone she considers to be a friend. She still may have a tendency to have an “all or nothing” approach in such matters. Rightly or wrongly, she doesn’t feel that it’s your place to express judgment if you are her friend. She feels as though you have rejected her, so she may be “shunning” you to protect herself. Sorry that you got caught in that, but you have every right not to support her behavior, especially if it makes you complicit in a deceit.

Comments from others are welcome. Help A figure this out.

Another JW Death by Blood Refusal

Another JW Death by Blood Refusal

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British Jehovah’s Witness Alison Mallinder (44) died as a result of refusing blood products. After years of abdominal pain, she was scheduled to have a hysterectomy. When the surgeon got in, he discovered that “some of her abdominal organs were stuck together as a result of a previous operation.” For three hours, four surgeons worked to separate them, and she suffered heavy bleeding. Her hemoglobin levels dropped, so that oxygen couldn’t be carried adequately to her major organs. Neither the drugs intended to counteract blood loss or the ventilator worked: she died a few days later.

Professor of reproductive surgery and medicine Ti C Li said: “She did not want to make a fuss about the fact she was a Jehovah’s Witness which is why she had not mentioned it until the day before the operation.

“I asked her if she wanted to go on because of the increased risks, especially if there was significant bleeding. But she was clear in her mind that she wanted to get on with the operation. Having satisfied myself that she realised the risks, we proceeded with the operation.”

… Coroner Chris Dorries gave a narrative verdict that Mrs Mallinder died after suffering complications during and after surgery “and the subsequent treatment regime against a background of refusal to accept blood products”.

It seems to me that the family ought to go back to the previous surgeon to discover how on earth her organs could have fused together.

The Religion News Blog doesn’t hold back on their opinion. These are fairly strident terms within which to frame the Jehovah’s Witnesses resources next to the post:

Theologically, Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult of Christianity. The oppressive organization does not represent historical, Biblical Christianity in any way.

Sociologically, it is a destructive cult whose false teachings frequently result in spiritual and psychological abuse, as well as needless deaths.

In order to be able to support its unbiblical doctrines, the Jehovah’s Witnesses organization has created its own version of the Bible. The so-called “New World Translation” is rejected by all Christian denominations.

Research resources on Jehovah’s Witnesses

Kudos to Nemesis Rising

Kudos to Nemesis Rising

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It couldn’t have been a big surprise for twin rockers Jacob and Joshua Miller of the band Nemesis Rising to discover that they have been officially disfellowshipped for their homosexuality and their show on Logo, Jacob & Joshua: Nemesis Rising.

I like their response very much, and I think it shows a greater spiritual maturity than they will be shown by their family and other practicing JWs.

According to Jehovah’s Witness doctrine, being “disfellowshipped” means that we have been found guilty of unrepentant gross misconduct. Our immediate family is to have limited or no contact with us. And all other practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses around the world are not to speak with us ever again.

Although we are no longer Jehovah’s Witnesses, we have nothing but love for those individuals who have been asked to shun us. We will continue to be in contact with our family and those who truly love us unconditionally as long as they’re willing.

We find it ironic that a religion whose members are asked to knock on the doors of strangers with a message of acceptance into paradise on Earth will not accept two of its own children for who they really are. Our wish for them is one of tolerance and understanding and we send to all of them a message of peace and love.”

(Press Release)

The announcement was made at a Jehovah’s Witnesses meeting that took place in the Millers’ hometown of Kalispell, Montana. Their friends – and even their family members – will now cut off contact with them, but they are willing to stay in contact with anyone who is willing to speak with them. Best of luck with that, guys (sighing). I hope that some people will be able to make individual judgments about the higher good, despite their relentless legalistic training. Sending waves of caring out to you both.

Visit the Nemesis Rising page at MySpace or their official website if you’d like to hear the music.