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Life Soundtrack Snapshot

Life Soundtrack Snapshot

For historical purposes, here are my current 50 most-played songs on the iPod.

A Thousand Years Sting 5:58
All I Have to Do Is Dream The Everly Brothers 2:25
All I Really Want Alanis Morissette 5:25
All This Beauty The Weepies 3:20
Big Wheel Tori Amos 3:18
Bloodletting (The Vampire Song) Concrete Blonde 6:07
Comfort Deb Talan 3:16
Counting Stars Sugarcult 3:38
Daily Living Eldar Djangirov 6:12
Down to Nowhere Thea Gilmore 3:54
Dream of You Mary Fahl 3:44
Drink Me (Acoustic Version) Anna Nalick 3:03
Everybody Knows Concrete Blonde 4:44
Feelin Way too Damn Good Nickelback 4:15
Goodnight Moon Shivaree 4:04
Gotta Have You The Weepies 3:22
Green-Eyed Lady Sugarloaf 3:40
Hold On KT Tunstall 2:58
Hushabye Mountain Stacey Kent 2:38
I Summon You Spoon 3:56
I Want You Rachael Yamagata 2:56
In the Summertime Roger Miller 1:45
Infinity Merrick 3:21
Jonathon Fisk Spoon 3:16
Kiss Moi Sportes 3:27
Kryptonite 3 Doors Down 3:54
Life During Wartime Talking Heads 3:42
Love Hurts Nazareth 3:53
Make My Day yes but 3:52
Novocaine for the Soul Eels 3:09
Persephone Kula Shaker 4:43
Phantom Doll Tracy Grammer 4:09
Raise the Veil Lily Frost 2:42
Rollin’ And Tumblin’ Bob Dylan 6:02
Sexybeast Paul Sabo 3:51
Sister Moon Thomas Hellman 5:48
Sleep to Dream Fiona Apple 4:11
Song Beneath the Song Maria Taylor 4:00
Strawberry Fields Cyndy Lauper 4:24
Sweet Dreams Tori Amos 3:40
Take Me As I Am October Project 4:38
The Creationist Kerli 3:38
The Dreaming Dead Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter 6:04
This Will Be Our Year The Zombies 2:08
Trouble Over the Rhine 4:01
Velvet Revolution Tori Amos 1:19
Waltz of the Malcontent Lily Frost 3:53
Without a Word yes but 4:15
Writing On the Wall Blackmore’s Night 6:01
Your Rocky Spine Great Lake Swimmers 3:36
Japanese Dragon Time

Japanese Dragon Time

This weekend, I sheparded my ten-year-old son through part of a school project. As the 3-d portion of the display, he wanted to make a Japanese dragon.

Not easy!

First, we had to talk about the materials. He didn’t like the idea of paper maché or plaster of paris. He wanted real clay, and not play clay either but the real deal.

I’m very thankful that there was a Michaels Arts and Crafts store nearby. It was raining and cold, and the store was crowded. We ran into two other 5th-graders, so he’s not the only one running up against the deadline! We got the red backboard display, and some shiney lettering, red felt, gray clay – with tools, red spray paint, gold leaf flakes, ruby-red glitterglue, “jewel” stickers, all kinds of supplies. We also picked up a balsa-wood model of the dragon, to be a base over which he could model the clay. I was thinking that the thicker the clay layers were, the longer it would take to dry. Unfortunately, the “puzzle” aspect was indiscipherable, and eventually both of us gave up on it.
So – freeform it is!

The first attempt was too small, and was gettisoned.

The second attempt was great, but as the clay started to shrink, parts of it – including the whole spinal fin – snapped off.

Art is sometimes a matter of figuring out things as you go along.

Ben patched the dragon, and used the opportunity to add some twirly twigs and pipe-cleaner claws.

Patching the Dragon

We waited as long as we could for stage two to dry, then we went outside. It was very cold, and windy. Spraying the clay with red paint was very easy. While it was wet, Ben wanted to try to get the gold leaf flakes into it. Most of the flakes blew away (although I still have a fair bit in my hair – tenacious stuff!). I thought it looked good just painted red, but he really wanted there to be gold in it. We watered down some Elmer’s glue and smoothed the flakes as much as we could with a toothbrush.

By now, the base was covered with drying glue, and the flakes were more like chunks. Ben wanted to give up – it didn’t look the way he had pictured it!

Glue and Flakes

Continue! Onwards and upwards!

He slopped on more glue over the paint and flakes, and it started to look better. We took a break.

I suggested lots of ideas. “Would you like to use the ruby glitter-glue along the spine?” No.
“Would you like to use a Sharpie to draw scales or texture?” No.
“Would you like to cut out other materials – feathers, paper, anything – to add something to the head and tail?” No.

Finally, he said that the dragon should be set off from the base. We had some vinyl, and some scrapbooking paper, and even aluminum foil. None of these seemed to look right to him.

“I think it needs pebbles because it’s a symbol for a sea god,” he decided.

We went outside. There are a whole bunch of little pebbles. Then he asked me for some of *my* pebbles – tumbled aventurine and other things that I like to collect. Sigh. Ok. I showed him how to spray adhesive to the base, and Ben spent an hour picking his favorite bits of rock from outside and from my collection.

He’s getting good with the painting! This was the easiest part – spray the whole thing with clear shellac. That helped the pebbles stay put and added a nice gloss to the whole thing. Now the gold flakes won’t be falling off like leprosy either. Good!

The last touch? “Jewel” stickers along the edge of the spiny scales. A little bit of sparkle.

All done. He loves it. Yay.

Dragon, Completed

Backboard, first steps… and done for the day. No writing on the novel today… but… it was fun working on some art with my boy. He’s a great artist.

Dragon and Backboard Beginning

Now, does anyone know how to get gold leaf flakes out of your hair? A shower didn’t do it (grin).

My Thanksgiving Prayer

My Thanksgiving Prayer

We pray for those who are sick, lonely, afraid, or in in need – that you may send them strength and comfort.

We humbly ask that you provide what we need for our souls and bodies and minds to grow and be well.

Help us to attune to that sweet spot of thriving as we navigate our world.

Help our leaders to remember, and to honor, the well-being of the people – all the people – everywhere in the world.

Forgive us our shortcomings, and help us to forgive the shortcomings of others.

Help us to be mindful, loving, forgiving, patient and kind.

May we dwell with Spirit, in gratitude, and with brave and compassionate hearts.

Amen.

Gratitude and Appreciation

Gratitude and Appreciation

The bittersweet wistfulness of late fall is a good time to reflect, appreciate, and be grateful. It is connected with the traditions of harvest, the feel and smell of autumn, the awareness that cold winter is approaching. All the senses come alive with foggy mornings, trees baring their arms, the last warm moonlit nights, the cessation of summer’s buoyancy.

Thanksgiving is also associated, for me, with a break from routine – the first trip home from college, the warm hospitality of kin, reunions with friends. It’s less hectic than Christmas, and not so cold that a profusion of light is needed (although a fire is very lovely).

This year, we’ve all been pretty sick, and we aren’t going anywhere. It’s a low-key day, a relaxing one. I’ve got some chores to do, but everything is simple and sweet. All is prepared for the meal, and it isn’t a huge feast. I like it.

It’s a great year to withdraw a little, to allow my mind to wander, and to celebrate my own little family. It’s a good time for introspection and introversion. I would not be good company in a group this year. I’m grateful that there is no sacrifice to be made, no atonement, no resolution, no gift-wrapping, no grand plan. There will be no arguments, no whining, no politics, no religion, no nationalism, no pointless squabble, no rehashing of disputed histories, no need for diplomacy, no call for forgiveness, no heaviness, no superficiality, no football game to watch. I don’t need to walk on eggshells.

I’m grateful – to the core – for my dear family.

I’m especially grateful that it is so very easy to be proud of my delightful son, and so rewarding to be his mom. I never thought it would be something that suited me, but I was so wrong.

I’m grateful for my kind and smart and understanding (and big and strong) husband. I’m grateful for my daily life: for the welcome-home hug, for the coffee, for dinner that is often served to me, and for the occasional walk in the woods. I’m grateful – really – for intelligent conversations and also for silliness, and for living with someone who thinks I’ve still got it.

I’m grateful for our kitty-cat Molly, who has tamed us, trained us, and let us know just who is in charge.

I’m grateful for some of the most wonderful friends that anyone could wish for, and for the spirit-sisters and soul-brothers that mean more to me than they might appreciate. You know who you are (and you know who you’re not).

I’m grateful for my brothers Roy and Michael – and their families. I love my nephews Dylan and Eric and David, and you are great Dads.

I’m grateful for my Mom, and especially for those moments when we really connect.

I’m grateful for my uncles and aunts. My Uncle Ronnie has been there for me my entire life – and he holds a special place in my heart.

I’m grateful to have been able to get to know my Dad’s brothers and sisters better over time, and that nothing but actual distance separates us. I love you Joyce and Elaine and Roberta and Gail and especially Jerry, who is so like and so unlike my Dad.

I’m grateful for all my cousins (and there are a lot of them!). You are so funny Mark, you are so dear Allen, you are so lucky Paul. I’m especially grateful for my beautiful, intelligent, grounded, caring woman-cousins. You make me smile – a lot. You are astounding women in your own right, and you’re great mommies too! You – Kim and Jillian and Micaela and Aletta and Kirsten and Katie and Dawn are stars in my universe. The cousin-spouses are wonderful – you’ve chosen well.

I’m grateful for the cousin-kiddies: Zaqq and Jynessica and Alex and Katie and Olivia and Grace and Paige and Devin and Brooke and Douglas, and Shelby, Hunter, and Zach, and Ethan, and Taylor, and and .. awww… this family sure did reproduce well! I don’t think I’ve listed anywhere near…

I’m grateful too for my in-law families. Tommy and Pam, Steve and Pat, Laura – and yes – John (I hope I’m still your favorite left-winger). All their kin are my kin too.

I love my nephew JT and his dear wife Tonya, and I love my nephew Lance. I remain hopeful that bridges will yet appear, and I have faith that all misunderstandings will be unraveled and healed.

I’m grateful to have found an odd kind of respect for and friendship with my hubby’s ex-wife Paula. I’m grateful for the caring love between my stepson and son. I’m grateful for some good discussions and fun with my stepson Evan, and I know that all difficulties will heal in time.

I’m grateful that I have a job, and that it’s a good job with a company that I respect. I’m grateful that I have amazing colleagues there: smart, fun, and sometimes even annoying. I love them all.

I’m grateful that I am able to live in a house, especially one with a back deck that looks out to the woods. I love to watch the sunsets and the moonrises and the birds, and the trees. I love to sit outside here and feel that we’re miles from anywhere.

I’m grateful that I have “a room of my own” – the private space that is my office and the private space of my mind/heart/spirit. I’m grateful too for interconnectivity – for the telephone, and the internet, and yes, for Facebook.

I’m grateful that my car is somehow still running, and I’m grateful for the new furnace. I’m grateful too for a good vacuum cleaner. It sounds silly, unless you’ve lived without one.

I’m grateful for music, which so often takes me “where my heart wants to go.”

I’m grateful for books – both material and electronic. They have enlarged my imagination, taught me critical skills, expanded my ability to navigate, and allowed me the possibility to imagine things and people and paths differently. I love the heavy books, and I love the candy books too.

I’m grateful for my mentors and teachers, without whom I would have been lost. I’ve been so fortunate in having such excellent guides and friends throughout my life.

I’m grateful for adversaries, too; sometimes you are great teachers.

I’m grateful for the absence of some folks from my life, too.

I’m grateful for humor and laughter, for celebrations, tricksters and court jesters.

I’m grateful for invented vocabularies, for wordplay and codes and abbreviations, and for just the right amount of teasing and sarcasm.

I’m grateful for conversations, and for silence.

I’m grateful to be welcomed in, and grateful too for sweet farewells.

I’m grateful for alone time.

I’m grateful for moments of insight, for mutual understanding, a shared joke, a spirit-communion, for wit and also for deep, abiding love.

I’m grateful for high bandwidth.

I’m grateful for moments that are forever suspended in time.

I’m grateful for every kindness that I see, no matter how small it might seem.

I’m grateful for those who bring out the best in others.

I’m grateful for authenticity and trust.

I’m grateful for what means nothing and still means everything.

I’m grateful for hugs.

I’m grateful for everything I can see, smell, touch, feel, hear, taste and imagine.

I’m grateful that I’ve become more grateful, and that the smallest detail can sometimes bring such joy.

I’m grateful for the microscope, and the telescope, and for the ability to scope.

I’m grateful for the cosmos, and starlight, and especially for the moon – and for what points toward it.

I’m grateful for all of the manifestations that point to the divine and the sacred, and for the playfulness they evoke/invoke in me.

I’m grateful for meditations, for the elements, for the directions, for all the rich tapestries of life.

I’m grateful for language, for paradox, for metaphor, for the rules of civil discourse and the visionary transports of poetry.

I’m grateful for everything, and for nothingness, and for the sweet spots where order and chaos meet in beauty.

I’m grateful for the presence of Love, and for the grace that I receive.

Thank you, deity/deities.
Thank you, cosmos.
Thank you, our reality-niche.
Thank you, family.
Thank you, friends.
Thank you, body and heart and mind and spirit.
Thank you, Love.

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is ‘thank you,’ that will suffice.” ~ Meister Eckhart

Malaise and Hope

Malaise and Hope

“It seemed like this was one big Prozac nation, one big mess of malaise. Perhaps the next time half a million people gather for a protest march on the White House green it will not be for abortion rights or gay liberation, but because we’re all so bummed out.” ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

This has been a long, boring illness and I’m not out of it yet. Headaches and fever. Vertigo. Barking cough. Intestinal…distress. I’ve missed too much work. I haven’t been able to keep up on housework, either. We didn’t have any heat in the house for part of it, and the fireplace didn’t help very much after all. I’ve been in that foggy mental zone where I can’t focus on anything. I lost my glasses somewhere around here. Dishes are piling up. Everything is dreary and depressing and dreadful and reality has been hanging on to me like an extended family of leeches. The bright aspects in my life – love, light, friendship – have been keeping me from a spiralling tumbledown, but my engagement has been limited. Everything has been seeming pointless and hopeless and stupid. Every political story has me rolling my eyes or muttering vague noises of disgust. I’ve been irritable and supersensitive. And my ribs hurt.

At the same time, subtle transformations have been blooming -although they seem utterly paradoxical. A lack of ability to focus on anything has nourished a letting-go of self-centeredness. The sensitivity to pathology and conflict has engendered a deeper feeling of compassion, albeit a detached one.

There is no pain, you are receding.” Is this what it means to be comfortably numb? The bracketing out – sensitive but insensitive, irritated but forgiving? Repulsed yet appreciative? It makes no sense to me other than as an illness-consciousness. Music transports me into endless trains of thought, and sometimes into floating experiences of spirit.

The full blue moon last night was a like serene guardian of beauty, hope and patience. The fractal gods and goddesses still crackle and sparkle and long for incarnations.

We keep finding and constructing and weaving threads of the beautiful and good and true, in the midst of horrible greed and selfishness and malevolence and proud ignorance. Sister Moon will be my guide.

God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice. ~ John Donne

People say I make strange choices, but they’re not strange for me. My sickness is that I’m fascinated by human behavior, by what’s underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people. ~ Johnny Depp

And as pale sickness does invade, Your frailer part, the breaches made, In that fair lodging still more clear, Make the bright guest, your soul, appear. ~ Edmund Waller

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in. ~ Leonard Cohen

Good Guidelines for a Spiritual Warrior Too

Good Guidelines for a Spiritual Warrior Too

I’ve often found myself trying to “make everything all better,” acting as a mediator, and generally getting in the way of others. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve realized that not only it is not my responsibility to intervene in someone else’s path, but that it might actually be detrimental to try to do so. It somehow infantilizes others, or makes them dependent, or sets off a knee-jerk resistance. And – it is depressing, and frustrating, and damaging – to me.

Self-infusion with the kind of compassion that can let go and get my ego out of it is a real challenge. I’ve always been terrible at instantiating the insights of Buddhism (I can give you references on this one!). Being a passionate being, I resist the bracketing out, the lack of engagement, and what feels to me like cold distancing no matter how often I am assured that it isn’t so. However, the insights there have helped me – sometimes – simply to be present for others when they wish to engage or to hear another viewpoint, and to help trigger reminders for stepping back when they don’t.

The role of a frustrated Cassandra is its own punishment, after all. My urge toward the protection and healing of others, I now understand, can have a dark aspect both for myself and for others.

There’s no running from insights – ethics then requires a kind of internal transformation. I’ve been too much the mouth, and too little the ear. Balance, balance. I already know in my heart that better questions are always more helpful than direct guidance.

Meditations have helped me to get grounded, but I’ve been lacking the words. Articulating some of this to myself has been a challenge, too. This morning I found a treasure on one of of my favorite blogs to visit. Kimmy Sharing Light shared some great light with me from a discussion of empath ethics.

These are excellent guidelines even for spiritual warriors like myself. It’s not in a register that I’m used to and I don’t agree with every bit of it (I think arguments can be very helpful from time to time, for instance), but much of this helps reshape the dynamic. Thank you Kimmy for sharing this, and thank you – so much – to the original author.

Rules for an Empath

  1. People are NOT your pet projects for you to fix.
  2. You are NOT an ’emotional mechanic’.
  3. Just because you’re emotionally fine-tuned (as most empaths are) does not automatically obligate you to intervene.
  4. How others choose to live their life is not your call.
  5. Everybody handles trauma/distress in their own fashion.
  6. People CAN change, but ONLY if they have the desire to.
  7. Interference is not a promise of good results.
  8. There is nothing glamorous or cavalier about self-sacrifice.
  9. Forcing change never works on anybody.
  10. Accept that you can’t change everyone’s situation. That struggle is their personal journey, so give them the room they need to find their own brand of enlightenment down the road.
  11. Offer your unconditional love and unbiased understanding. This is the most you can do for an ailing heart.
  12. A listening ear is extremely helpful and has a bigger impact than you think.
  13. All your actions resonate for many years. You just may not be present to see the results.
  14. Your gut instinct. The alarm in your head. The nagging voice in the back of your mind. That bad feeling that warns you. LISTEN TO IT.
  15. Whatever you put out in this world comes right back to you. So tried and true. A real lesson in karma.
  16. Saying curse words, putting a curse on someone, or just the general desire to wish harm upon someone tends to have the negative effect of corrosion on your soul. You will feel it.
  17. Meditation does work; helps calm you the heck down! Find any Youtube video on mediation and follow it to clear your brain cobwebs.
  18. Walk out of the room if encountering a heated battle, before your “fight or flight response” kicks in. Petty squabbles are never worth the emotional damage it causes to your armor.
  19. Arguments are pointless, incendiary and help no one. Unless you’re a lawyer.
  20. Some people involuntarily extinguish your light. They may not be aware of how toxic they are, but you do. Fixing them is futile and not your responsibility. Get as far away from these people as you can.
  21. Be the bigger person. If someone says something nasty to you, you say “Thank you for your kind words.” and walk away. Be classy. They may scoff, they may retort, but after some time passes one thing is always guaranteed. And that nagging feeling at the back of their mind, it’s called shame.
  22. You pick up bad emotions, not only good ones. It’s important to pinpoint where they come from.
  23. If you feel overwhelmed and nothing stressful is occurring in your life, you’re accidentally picking up nasty vibes from someone nearby or some local event. Time to get away for a bit.
  24. It’s narcissistic to believe it’s your duty to ‘fix’ people. Wanting to help and believing you have to are two very different things.

Kimmy’s blog is always worth a visit, anytime:

Kimmy Sharing Light