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White House Switchboard

White House Switchboard

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Political comedy email making the rounds…

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific
research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the
virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

(Thanks Corinne!)

With a little help

With a little help

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A roundup from some of my reads.

An Etherealgirl’s Adventures in Cyberland has been following opinion and news on New Orleans and is just as miserable and angry as I am. She points to the Time Photo Essay, and some of the coverage at Daily Kos (see the video from Hannity and Colmes – “Shepard Smith and Geraldo Rivera were livid about the situation in NOLA as they appeared on H&C. When Hannity tried his usual spin job and said “let’s get this in perspective,” Smith chopped him off at the knees and started yelling at him saying, “This is perspective!” It was shocking.” What’s happening is even worse than the hurricane itself – people are locked in, starving, no sanitation, with checkpoints at the bridges turning people back.

Raven’s Retreat finds the government reponse to Katrina unacceptable, and urges them to “get off their asses and help those people.”

PusBoy knows about where Bush’s bread is buttered. He quotes from Yahoo news: “Asked if U.S. oil companies should forfeit profits during the crisis, Bush said instead American corporations should contribute cash to hurricane relief funds.” Pusboy notes that the “donations” would not begin to approach the levels of record profits. I agree with his two-word summary.

Richard at Love Ministries posts on the responsiblities of caring, loving people. ” “It would be unloving, and thus, antispiritual, to say that an important event or issue is “political,” and hence, to imply that it is somehow “outside” of spirituality. For spirituality is life, and everything in life, that has to do with justice, fairness, the poor, society, the nation, and the world. So, when a compassionate person sees the betrayal of people, the abandonment of Love, she is called by Love to expose that ignorance. Loving and conscientious people all throughout history have spoken against tyrants, warmongers, greedmongers, and other corrupt types, especially those in power.”

Lovebevvy at Honey I’m Fabulous seems to be working on the blog, or she has disappeared. Drop me line, wouldja hon?

Gentle Breezes displays a photo of some people on a roof in New Orleans. “Help” is written on the roof in chalk, and they are waving American flags. “About sums it up, eh.. (snip) Now will you tell me, with most of the country being run by incompetent men, why do they give the killer hurricane the name of a woman? Seems to me it should be called George.” She also recommends the BuzzFlash article “Incompetence, Lying and the Betrayal of a Nation: It’s Deja Vu All Over Again — And More Death and Chaos from “The Master of Disaster,” George W. Bush.”

Just Rambling wonders how prepared any of us are for a real emergency, and what we would do (for instance) if we couldn’t afford to buy the gas that was available.

Where the Dolphins Play isn’t surprised that the conservative christian group Repent America issued a statement that God “destroyed” New Orleans for its wickedness, citing a gay-themed event that was supposed to take place there. What next – will Falwell and Robertson chime in too? Sick.

And so, my ever-reliable Grateful Bear has devoted a long post to arguing against the idea of the hurricane as an expression of God’s wrath upon the wicked. I think that it is incredibly pathological that such would be needed, but evidently… He also points to Tony Campolo’s article at BeliefNet – here is a snippet: “Instead of looking for God in the earthquake or the tsunami, in the roaring forest fires blazing in the western states, or in the mighty winds of Katrina, it would be best to seek out a quiet place and heed the promptings of God’s still small voice. That voice will inspire us to bring some of God’s goodness to bear in the lives of those who suffer.”

Mousemusings wonders what Homeland Security actually does. She also points out that prochoicers need to contact the FDA to give them feedback on the morning after pill, which would reduce the number of abortions. If we can control condoms we can control this. A tip from me – you can ask your doctor for a prescription of birth control pills, even if you don’t use them. Find out from your doctor – don’t guess! – what would be the dosage of those pills to use as morning-after pills. Save them for an emergency and make a note of the expiration date. Remember that oral methods of birth prevention do not protect against disease.

Total Information Awareness quotes mondro dentro’s comment at TPM Cafe – and it’s good enough to re-quote: “I don’t think people are yet grasping that America’s cities just simply do not fit into the Republican narrative. Consider: They are full of the poor and minorities. They vote Democratic. They epitomise Modernity and it’s discontents. They consume large amounts of government resources. They are home to the cultural and economic elites most strongly in opposition to a rightist agenda. They are dens of iniquity. From this perspective, the rightist power elite and their base, consciously or not, simply do not care if the cities are destroyed. Indeed, I think many believe, again, perhaps only unconsciously, that the future of America is to be a cityless, suburban, libertarian paradise. A sort of hyper-real post-modern recapitulation of frontier American life. ..So, if you want to know why our cities are not protected, in my view that’s why. It’s not a bug. It’s a feature.”

Oh, and – take a look at this

Anyone have the current deficit amount?

Out national debt, a worse can of worms, is up to $7.9 trillion. In this fiscal year alone, the government has already had to pay more than $315 billion of your money on interest payments to the holders of the national debt (guess who?). Payment of this interest is the third largest expense in the federal budget (for comparision, NASA at $15 billion, Education at $61 billion, and Department of Transportation at $56 billion).

Hard times ahead, friends.