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Friendship Above Disagreement

Friendship Above Disagreement

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This is more like it…

Beauty in My Friend’s Death by Paula Gordon at The Huffington Post

Elizabeth Fox-Genovese is how the world knew her, a scholar and intellectual. It was Betsey I knew. Our friendship was a practice in an unfashionable truth — people need not agree to be steadfast, life-long, dear friends.

…

Over the years, it was always a surprise when Betsey and I found each other, all the more so when we both ended up in Atlanta. And over the years, she and I came to disagree profoundly about practically every idea that once had brought us together. And still, a larger truth shone brighter. We loved each other for who we were. Kept up with each other through the rough and smooth parts. And it’s mostly the very small, very personal things on which I now find myself dwelling in this sad moment.

Betsey and I graced each other’s lives. We reached across a number of genuine divides we both fully acknowledged. Why bother? Because we cherished each other and our friendship. In the face of her death, that is where I find the beauty.

Ask a Former JW: Affair Breaks Friendship?

Ask a Former JW: Affair Breaks Friendship?

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I fear I have lost a dear friend, who was a JW in her youth, it was not her choice, but her mother’s. I have tried to be open and loving towards her, but just recently she has entered into an adulterous relationship, while she is still living with her ex husband and their children. I just cannot support this choice of hers. I have tried to get her to ask questions about what she believes, but she slammed the door in my face and accused me of trying to convert her to Christianity. That was certainly NOT what I was trying to do, I just wanted her to ask questions and if she came to the same decision, then that was okay with me. We became friends and I knew she didn’t believe and she knew I did believe, so what changed? I am baffled and she has now eliminated me from her life because of my concern regarding her affair. I don’t know how to proceed without making the situation worse. I didn’t eliminate her from my life, she eliminated me from hers. Any advice you could give me would be very helpful, thanks. – A

A- I’m guessing that the truth is that she is not able to continue in a relationship with you. You know her secret. But I’m wondering how it could be an adulterous relationship if it is her ex-husband that she lives with?

Friends don’t always support one’s choices. She wanted unconditional acceptance from you. When you couldn’t give it, then she is faced with your judgment, and she has decided that the friendship isn’t worth it. A lot would depend on the circumstances of how you found out about the affair. If she is the one who told you, think back on how it was presented for clues on how to proceed.

You might try once more, but your approach cannot be from the standpoint of asking her what she believes. The whole topic of religion, even if that is the comfortable starting point for you, will not be helpful here. I am sure that she is familiar with the religious arguments.

What would be more pertinent from a friend might be something along these lines:

Have you thought about how this could affect your future? (hostilities in the family? affect on the children?)

What are you really seeking in this relationship? (Someone to accept you, build up your ego, rescue from a bad situation, sex? etc)

You can reiterate that you care for her, and that your not supporting what she is doing is a separate issue.

And – no offense – but I wonder whether you are attracted to her yourself and that plays into your concern? If so, she probably knows that and might even be trying to keep you out of an increasingly messy situation.

Try to set your hurt feelings aside – not because they aren’t important, but because they will actually put your ego in the middle of the situation and prevent you from being able to think clearly. Concentrate on your caring for your friend, and think from there. Think the situation through from different perspectives – this gives you more wisdom and discernment.

I don’t feel that this is specifically a JW kind of issue, and I don’t know if any of this would help you or not. Think about all you know of yourself, your friend, and the situation to see if there is a way to heal the breach between you without compromising your ethics.

And if there is not, let it go. There are some things that are outside of one’s control.

Best wishes, and I hope it works out.

Thank you for your quick reply and I will try to use your wisdom, to help me become more understanding. She has entered into an adulterous affair with a married man she recently met and my friend is still living with her ex husband and their children. [The email name] is my husband, so he is not attracted to my friend, this question came from me, A. I think that the ball is in her court now. I have unsuccessfully tried to mend fences several times, to no avail. She did however, excuse me of being a JW, and I have never been a JW. I am just trying to understand why she would do that and what JW’s believe in and why. Was I being like a JW when I truly could not support her decision, not because of my religious beliefs, but my moral beliefs. Having sex with someone else’s husband is, in my opinion, just wrong and hurtful to everyone involved.

Oh – OK, now I understand. So there’s a double-whammy in that the man in question is married, and for some reason she’s living with a man she divorced! The accusation of being like a JW is just simply scar tissue from being of that background. They are extremely legalistic, controlling, and rule-bound, often to the exclusion of higher spiritual understanding and caring. She is simply lashing out against the kind of judgment with which she is most familiar. She may have some other issues that are tied up with her history as a former Jehovah’s Witness, but you can’t really address that. Don’t take it personally. At best, you can gently remind her that you are not a JW, and ask if she’d like to talk about her experiences. She may, or may not.

The real issue is that she’s just not going to accept the criticism and judgment from someone she considers to be a friend. She still may have a tendency to have an “all or nothing” approach in such matters. Rightly or wrongly, she doesn’t feel that it’s your place to express judgment if you are her friend. She feels as though you have rejected her, so she may be “shunning” you to protect herself. Sorry that you got caught in that, but you have every right not to support her behavior, especially if it makes you complicit in a deceit.

Comments from others are welcome. Help A figure this out.

Ask a Former JW: Women and Careers

Ask a Former JW: Women and Careers

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“Ask a Former JW” Mailbox:

Hi, I like this girl, I won’t name her, she is a JW. She recently graduated from High School as #2 in her class. I am a grade below her. Anyways, she took an secretary position at the school instead of going to college. And she has a sister who also graduated with honors, and is working as a legal secretary. I don’t understand, how could one person work so hard in HS only to reject college? Now, I like her and everything, is it wrong to keep questioning her decision even though I did it like once. I know that she is very involved in “preaching”, and I want to know if it might have something to do with her decision. Do JW’s women often go for the lesser jobs, or does the devotion to the religion cause them to choose differently? Help. Thank You. – Vincent

Dear Vincent: Female Jehovah’s Witnesses get significant pressure not to pursue higher education and careers. First, educational ambitions are not rewarded, to say the least. Depending on the country and congregation, college is discouraged and sometimes even prohibited.

Why? First, there is the idea that the door-to-door service is the ideal career choice. Although the sales force for the wealthy Watchtower Bible and Tract organization is unpaid, they feel that they are doing the most important work on the globe – giving everyone a chance to become part of “God’s organization” before this “system of things” is destroyed by God. Since they have believed for a century that the time is short, and since they believe that all members are called to this service, no other career is taken very seriously. College, by definition, is a waste of time.

Like some other authoritarian groups, they have also noticed that higher education tends to, well, educate. A JW who goes to college may learn the difference between a strong interpretation and a weak one; or become accustomed to asking questions and hearing multiple points of view; or find role models – women in positions of leadership, accomplishment, teaching; or develop intellectual curiosity; or be able to make contextual ethical judgments; or find that not all “worldly” things are of Satan. In college, it is not possible to limit one’s reading to the Watchtower publications. The texts are more challenging than in high school, and simple memorization of rote responses is not enough to get a good grade in a college class. You have to develop a critical sense. You have to be able to write and defend a coherent point of view, based on evidence. Such skills are threatening to the organization for the same reasons that they threaten any group that has a firm, and nearly totalitarian, grip on the lives of their followers.

The other problem with college is that members of the congregation tend to be so controlled that when they do get a little freedom, they are not always able to moderate their own behavior – they can make self-destructive choices. Expecting the college environment to be a swarm of temptations, and having an either/or, all or nothing kind of mindset, they may throw themselves into every aspect of that of whatever they find – once they have done even one stupid thing.

Generally speaking, JWs have not been encouraged to find their own voice and their own way, and so the learning curve can be steep – and costly.

A JW that goes to college is thought of as being selfish, rather than as thinking always of God. Considerations of one’s own individual calling, contribution to the larger society, future income potential, and things like that don’t enter into the discussion.

So, from the point of view of the JWS, college wastes time that should be spent in service, and it can change the perspective of the JW in ways (for good and ill) that are out of the control of the Society.

So far, the objections to higher education apply to both women and men.

Women, however, have the added burden of the gender role expectations. Although women usually outnumber men in any given congregation, positions of leadership (they use the opposite terminology of slave and servant) are held only by men. Only men can be elders or ministerial servants or district/circuit overseers or one of the guys in Brooklyn who decide on the rules for all. Only boys carry a microphone (that’s the closest equivalent to an alter-boy). Only male members can stand to address a congregation or an assembly.

Women are very much second-class citizens.

Jehovah’s Witnesses are not alone in this view, of course. Still, it is very clear that the normative role (and career) for a JW woman is to spend as much time in service as possible, find a promising JW man to marry, and raise their children to be upstanding JWs. That’s it. Some people have chosen not to have children, either, considering the times.

An intelligent and capable young woman, such as the one that interests you, gets her only chance to shine in the public schools. After graduation, she will find whatever job she can with that level of education.

And now, back to you, Vincent.

If you wish, you may ask her about her choices. It’s not wrong to do so, although she may feel it is intrusive. She may use it as an opportunity to “witness” to you, or she may tell you that it’s none of your business, or she may confide secret wishes (if she has any). I couldn’t say.

If you are thinking of her in a romantic way, you’ve got a difficult road ahead even if she is interested in you.

For the JWS, dating is to find a marriage partner, period. Eventually, you would have to convert, or she would have to choose to leave the JWs. If you convert, your children would have to raised as JWs. If she leaves, she will be cut off from her family and friends.

If you like her, I would advise you to be her friend – really her friend. You sound very sweet and sincere, and such a friendship might be treasured, if it could be accepted.

Former Jehovah’s Witness Speaks

Former Jehovah’s Witness Speaks

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This testimony letter gives a glimpse into some of the recurring issues. Thanks for sending and giving your permission to post, Angela!

I was raised by parents who converted to Jehovah’s Witnesses (from the Catholic religion) when I was five years old (I am now 32). My father is an elder and he and my mother are very active. I have six younger brothers and sisters who are all active JW’s.

When I was 18, I married a “brother” I had met at a quick-build. Five years later we had a daughter. After seven years of marriage, I found myself very unhappy and I decided to leave. My husband (a Ministerial Servant), along with the elders help, tricked me into signing custody papers that were not as they were presented. My ex and his wife have primary physical custody of my daughter. I see my child every other weekend and six weeks during the summer (they moved 3 hours away). I tried to regain custody of her, only to fail. Can you say “Parent Alienation?”

After I remarried, I tried to return to the Kingdom Hall in 2003 to be reinstated. I attended meetings faithfully for six months. I decided to write my letter in order to be reinstated. The elders on my committee told me that everything seemed to be going well and it would only be a couple of weeks before they made the announcement of my reinstatement. When I met with the elders a week later, they informed me that my ex-husband did not think I was ready to be reinstated… and the elders wanted me to drop my appeal that was currently in progress for custody of my daughter. I gave up and almost went crazy with grief for the sudden loss of my daughter, my family and all of my friends. I had to receive intense counseling to deal with the emotional pain.

Since 2003, I had allowed my daughter to attend meetings with my family during my weekend and summer visits with her. Things have recently taken a turn. I told my seven year old daughter that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not know if they have the only true religion… no one knows. Well, apparently she told one of my sisters who in turn retaliated with a very nasty letter that stated, “you are basically trying to kill her (my daughter) by telling her or trying to convince her that she does not have the true religion!” and “you now have the name of an apostate in my eyes.” That letter made me sick. My sister who had been my best friend had written these horrible hurtful words. She had been disfellowshipped at one time, but I took her in despite being chastised by the elders.

Since that letter was written, I have not allowed my daughter to attend a meeting at the Kingdom Hall while she is with me. She is around those people enough with her father. This decision that I have made will probably result in another nasty custody battle because my ex husband will not respect my decision… he will try everything in his power to program our daughters mind. She has already started asking me why she can’t go to the Kingdom Hall this summer. Her father must have her convinced that God will look unfavorable upon her if she doesn’t persuade me to let her attend the meetings. He’s making her feel torn between two worlds.

I too am in limbo. No one seems to understand how it feels to lose all of your friends and family in one day. No one understands how it feels to be treated like dirt on someone’s shoe. I have never done drugs, been a drunkard, beat my children, or murdered anyone… yet I am treated (by JWs) as someone who is beneath those type of people. The lowest scum of the earth. What gives those imperfect humans the right to judge me as unworthy of God’s love??

I have just begun to explore websites that are created by former Jehovah’s Witnesses. In the past I was afraid. I am only full of anger now. I want to relate to someone. I want to talk to people who understand what I’ve been through and what I am still going through. Thank you for taking the time to read about what I’ve been through.

Angela, I hope you know that you are not unworthy of God’s love, which is endless and does not depend on human organizations like the one in Brooklyn. Show your daughter better examples of caring, compassion, and kindness. She will remember, and in the long run, it is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her.

You are not alone in this, but it is a difficult path to navigate. Start building a more authentic life for yourself, and let go of some of your anger if you can. Document everything that happens (and do not respond in kind, no matter how tempting it might be). Take control of your own religious path and your relationship to God – prayer helps a lot, if only to focus and meditate. If you can, turn your focus outward toward acts of friendship and service – not door-to-door service, but the kinds of “helping” gestures that can mean so very much to others. This will help lift you up, stabilize you, and help you to rebuild a sense of yourself that brackets out these unfair judgments.

There are some JW boards where you can thrash some of this out if you want to, but ultimately it’s up to you to find inner strength (if not for yourself, for your daughter). Think of the mommy you’d most like to be, and start moving in that direction. The more you act out of the center of your soul, the more it becomes habitual. Take the good things you’ve learned, and dump the rest. God is bigger than their vision – explore your ethics and your spirituality for yourself.

As for your family and “friends” – I can only mourn with you. It’s heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry. Again, the best thing you can do, when you can manage to do it (it’s not easy sometimes) is to set an example of ethics, compassion, caring, and love. It is the only thing that might make any difference at all.

I have a good feeling about you because you took in your sister when she had been cast out. That means you have a sense of ethical priorities, which JWs usually have trouble ordering. You already know that the highest priority is not following the rules of an organization, but rather caring for others (and for yourself, too! don’t forget that). Take care of yourself first, so that you may then care for your daughter.

Arm your lawyer with any documentation that you have of any of this. Alienation of a child’s affection is a serious matter. That the JW elders sat down with you (!), misrepresented the agreement, and so on may be basis for coercion, and the judge may take that into consideration. Also, your situation is changed now, and that also has to be taken into account. As you have discovered, JWs will hit hard for children to remain in the custody of the JW parent. They could even lend your ex one of their own lawyers. I recommend that you do a little web research on Jehovah’s Witnesses and custody battles – there are perhaps some previous cases that may be of help to you and your lawyer.

Keeping you in my daily meditations, and sending you waves of healing and love.

Another Former JW Writes

Another Former JW Writes

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Heather writes:

I just wanted to say that I am so pleased to see an ex-JW site that is geared towards moving on. It has been my motto since my disfellowshipping experience that every religion is here for a reason. Some people feel they need the structure the Jehovah’s Witnesses offer. As for myself, I don’t need that, but I came away and investigated until I knew exactly what I believed. They taught me to question and to never settle for what you are told. For that I thank them. they also taught me to never take a friendship for granted because one day you may look up and realize it is gone. The other “positive” I took away from the experience of being raised in that organization is the ability to speak to a variety of people on a wide variety of subjects. It has made my experiences since leaving far more diverse than many of my peers. Would I go back? No. Do I fault those who stay? No…. So again thank you for creating such a positive site.

That is a very healthy synthesis of your experience and it is terrific that you have identified positive things that you took away from the JWs. Thanks for writing!