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Jehovah’s Witness Elders

Jehovah’s Witness Elders

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This short article by Victoria Cater gives another common example of what the Watchtower Society (Jehovah’s Witnesses) does to families. This is typical of the kinds of situations I remember and hear about from people who write to me for advice.

The first claim – that her father was kicked out for not giving up weekends with his family in order to pioneer (go out door to door for a specified number of hours per month) – is unlikely. You can’t really be disfellowshipped for that. Probably she wasn’t told the real reason – so that’s forgivable.

However, the example of her grandmother rings true:

Not only was my family not invited to attend my 97-year-old grandmother’s funeral, but Brothers and Sisters from the Kingdom Hall contacted my family to say we were not welcome and would not be allowed in if we showed up – all because we were not of their faith! After her death, we discovered that for the last year of her life, the Jehovah’s Witnesses were telling her she would not go to the “new world” (equivalent of heaven) if she continued contact with her family.

The “new world” isn’t really heaven, of course, but the promise of everlasting life with other JWs (and no-one else) on a paradise earth after the apocalypse. As for the funeral – Crater’s family must really have been in deep doo-doo to be prohibited from attending. Normally they are more concerned that their “sheep” keep away from sacraments of other churches – no attending services, weddings or funerals!

The more tragic and common theme is simply that the grandmother was prohibited (using methods of appeal to authority) from contact with her son and the rest of the non-JW family. There is a deeper problem with those who have been disfellowshipped than with non-JWs who could conceivably be converted. These separations are one of the top issues for people who contact me.

When I was a JW, family were still allowed to spend at least some time with each other – but it seems that there has been a drift into more serious tinkering with family dynamics since then. Then, it was a matter of conscience – and since we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas, we missed out on a lot of occasions that kin networks use to gather themselves together. There was also the sense of taint – that it was just better to minimize contact. The result of this is that I am only beginning to get to know most of my father’s extended family – I have 19 cousins on that side!

To get back to the article, I really did want to mention something else. This is something that outsiders don’t really know about:

From what I have experienced, the “elders” who oversee the individual Kingdom Halls are not trained faith leaders. All other religions I am familiar with have a leader who has extensive training for this position. The Jehovah’s Witness elders have no right to guide individuals or families.

The only “training” that elders and “ministerial servants” and “pioneers” get is the same dreary fare as that of the general congregation: endless repetitious mind-numbingly dull meetings, the “theocratic ministry school” meeting once a week – really more of a public speaking class – and the derivative highly interpreted and predigested materials from Bethel in New York. The hour-long “talks” (they don’t call them “sermons”) are read aloud from a script – their ministers are not even trusted to follow their own calling or relationship with God.

While there is a certain kind of appeal to the idea of spiritual leaders that arise spontaneously from the flock, the fact remains that none of their ministers have, or are allowed to have, any training or education at all outside the group. They have not studied Greek or Hebrew or Latin. They do not have divinity degrees, or educational background in sociology, psychology, religion, literature, acheology, history or philosophy/theology. Most of them have never attended even one college class.

They are elders because 1) they do what they are told to do and, 2) because they are likely the only males in the congregation who have reached a certain age and are sufficiently involved with the group. The other elders decide who gets awarded different kinds of rank. There is some lip-service paid to the idea of “serving” the congregation, but it’s pretty clearly a position of power – and a power often abused. The JW rules and regs are very strict and authoritarian to begin with – add any personal corruption to that and you start to hear even more heartbreaking narratives.

Members of the congregation are told over and over to humble themselves before the elders, to submit to the elders. They believe, since they have no access to the actual interpreters and decision-makers, that God wants them to trust utterly in these flawed, untrained, uneducated and often staggeringly unwise men.

Incidentally, because sexual issues are one of the top reasons that people leave or are kicked out of the JWs, these elders – like the hard right – are obsessed with sexual issues. Of course, they are in no way prepared to deal with these issues in any healthy way and create enormous damage. They also discourage any kind of professional counselling or the intervention of “worldly authorities” in any way. I remember there was a period when married couples were encouraged to report their spouse to the elders if they got adventuresome sexually (or in a few specific ways – oral sex seemed to be the big obsession). The goal at the time seemed to be to target women who might possibly enjoy sex – I don’t remember any discussion of pedophilia or sadism, for example, although there were people in my own congregation who had to deal with those issues. It was simply inconceivable that any of “God’s people” would be involved with those sorts of things.

When there is a matter of personal conscience to confront, most Jehovah’s Witnesses will capitulate to the decision of the elders or the guidance of the organization’s publications. They are fearful of even writing a letter to headquarters to ask a question. Such communications might end up in their file, and many JWs have a fine-tuned paranoia. If they present a difficult situation to their local elders, they draw attention to themselves, and “spiritual guidance” as an idea is so tangled up with reprimand and danger that most questions are simply never asked. A person with questions is automatically regarded as “rebellious youth” or “in danger of straying from the truth” or being too close to “worldly influences.” The best thing to do is remain attentive at meetings, parrot back the expected rote answers, and be seen going out in service as much as possible. Independent thought, any of them will tell you, is against their religion.

How is any of that conducive to spiritual growth?

American Idiot

American Idiot

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Artist: Green Day
Album: American Idiot
Song: American Idiot

Don’t want to be an American idiot.
Don’t want a nation that drives the new media.
Hey can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindf**k America.

(chorus) Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alienation.
Everything isn’t meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We’re not the ones who’re meant to follow.
For that’s enough to argue.

Well maybe I’m the faggot America.
I’m not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along to the age of paranoia.

(chorus)

Don’t want to be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information age of hysteria.
It’s going out to idiot America.

(chorus)

Another Former JW Writes

Another Former JW Writes

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Testimony and advice from another former JW

R: I really like your site and I feel your advice for new ex-JWs is very wise. It was a pleasure to find your site. I haven’t been a JW for 20 years or so. I was a third generation JW, raised in the religion. By my mid-20s I was seriously depressed, guilty, and aimless. One of the things that made me feel really guilty and like a failure was that I just couldn’t pray with any conviction. Also, I came from an abusive family – at least my father was a dangerous and violent alcoholic who frequently tried to kill us.

I went to massage school in my early 30s. Giving and receiving massage made me feel worthy, and even loved. Other things that helped me were maybe a little silly – a bumper sticker that said "since I gave up hope I feel better." That’s how I felt! Massage school gave me culture shock; I was exposed to all sorts of viewpoints and beliefs. I realized that much of what is taught by and to JWs is simply not true. Also, I realized that many many many JWs are leading dual lives – they are good JWs when with each other, but very worldly, even promiscuous when no one is watching. What a shock. I went to a psychologist for a year or so – and I highly recommend it. Talking with him, I realized that the root of my depression was something I felt strongly but couldn’t express – my deep sense of betrayal by my mother and the elders. The elders kept telling my mother it was her duty to stay with my father, because he was the head of the house, even though he was a non-believer, and extremely violent and dangerous. When I realized how I felt and expressed it, I felt much better. I was even able to forgive my mother for not protecting us. She really believed she was doing the right thing. And I began to realize what a sick religion it is.

Eventually I was able to tell another truth: I just plain don’t believe. I don’t believe the Bible or any of the other religious writings. I don’t believe in religion. There’s a lot going on the universe that we don’t know about or understand, and it doesn’t matter. I detached from having to have all the answers. I don’t think it’s important to know who made the world and who or what is running the show. We can’t know, therefore it doesn’t matter. What matters is trying to live a noble life. I checked out other religions, but I’m just not impressed. I just don’t believe. I did learn some useful ways of thinking from Buddhism, especially some of the books by Alexandra David Neel. I’m also not interested in discussing it. I don’t care what other people believe, and I feel I have the right to pursue my own beliefs without having to justify them, and I don’t have to put up with people who want to convince me I’m wrong. If there is a god, which I seriously doubt, I can’t see him/her/it rejecting 99 percent of his children and accepting only JWs. God, if he/she/it exists, could hardly be less loving than people in general are.

What I lacked in the first years after I quit being a JW was someone to talk with who could relate to my experience. My sisters don’t relate; although they are not JWs any more either. I finally ran across a wonderful woman in (deleted) who was a former JW also. She shared a great book with me, the first hand account of a former JW. I think it was called "Clouds of Glory," and I wish I could find another copy of it.& The author of that book expressed many of my feelings and reframed the whole experience for me.

When my mother died three years ago, I was immersed in the JW world again for a week, while my mother was in intensive care. I realized how far I had traveled. Now that she is gone, I don’t have to ever have anything to do with any of them ever again, which is a great relief.

I’m a lot happier, healthier, and more useful person now. And terribly grateful that I managed to get out of the JWs. And although I was never able to pray with any conviction as a JW, I learned how to meditate by doing massage, especially lymph drainage massage, which is very quiet, still, and repetitive, and requires that the therapist pay attention to his/her breathing.

Nice of you to provide a place where people like me can unload. I looked for a friendly website for ex-JWs for a long time. Most of the ones I found, though, were very angry and were bent on proving that JWs are wrong doctrinally, and I don’t really care about that. I don’t believe the Bible anyway, so what does it matter? I was very impressed by the wisdom and compassion in your advice. Thanks! I see from your web site that you get a lot of hate mail from JWs, and I really don’t want that. But if my experience would help anyone, it’s OK to share. Like you, I don’t want to make the past the center of my life, I don’t want to be bitter and focused on how I was harmed. I just want to leave it in the past and enjoy the life I have now.

I also liked your advice about overreacting to JWs when leaving the organization. I have seen a few others in the last 20 years or so that have left the organization. However, they seem driven to prove how bad they are: drug abuse, promiscuity, other risky behavior. Self-destructive behavior won’t help.

I would like to tell them: Nurture yourself, don’t destroy yourself. If you are leaving JWs, and you feel angry and guilty, just lie low for a while. Don’t talk about it all the time, although you may be tempted to do so. Don’t act like a victim. Look around and find people who are living lives you admire, and get close to them. Learn how to live a new way by hanging out with wise, compassionate people who are successful at living noble lives. You’ll get through the stage of feeling like a traveller from another universe, and you’ll find worthwhile friends and rewarding activities.

Heidi: What a wonderful treat to get your letter this morning – thank you, thank you. I too saw a therapist when, during two separate occasions in my life, I just felt that I had been ill-equipped to navigate the psychological terrain. It was a big big help to me, especially since in both cases it was short-term with limited goals. I didn’t want to turn into a narcissist, I just wanted to know how to get through to the next level. One of the things that was most enlightening to me was a very simple message that I had a choice – that I could decide for myself what was important to me among the conflicting voices inside. That somehow allowed me to shift and sort and to find more authentic paths. Sounds so simple, but it wasn’t something I had been allowing myself.

I am sorry about your family. There is an awful lot of this sort of thing. It took me until the year of my own father’s death to be able to forgive him – and then only because he was around a lot, being good to my son, and had overcome both the alcoholic and the post-alcoholic madness that had destroyed his own life.

It is so true that sometimes all it takes is exposure to other ways of being for some JWs to be able to realize at some level that their own way is somehow wrong. I think that is why (along with other authoritarian and controlling groups) that the JWs so discourage “worldly associations.” They framed it in such a way that we would think all outsiders are bad – some then seek out the badness as the only route out. But of course most of it isn’t bad at all – there is a lot of kindness and compassion and fun out there too! You were fortunate to have found a window that included a sense of healing and a respect and acceptance of the body.

I studied world religions, and that helped me a lot – but my own path of questioning is somewhat eclectic and I too see nothing but strife in arguing over doctrinal and interpretative matters. I have always found that if your focus is intellectual, learning to ask better questions promotes wisdom a lot more than the illusion of having the answers. In many ways, a breathing meditation accomplishes more – you get centered, attuning your spirit and body. I also like sound, attention, and compassion meditations – even just paying attention to how different bodily positions affect your emotional state – bowing, reaching up to the sky, etc. Ultimately your spiritual path is your own – between you and your sense of the cosmos/God/gods, whatever you like to think. Words are so misleading anyway.

For myself, I decided long ago that if God were really like the God of the JWs, then such a God was not worthy of my attention, much less my worship and obedience. I have since come to believe that this could not be God – I use in meditation Anselm’s thought that God is that “which none greater can be thought.” So I think of the best God I can possibly imagine, and then assume that God, or the cosmos energy of love, or what we label as these things, is much much better in ways that I just simply won’t be able to understand given the way we perceive the world in human terms of space and time. And, to quote the character Stuart Smalley, “that’s…… OK.”

R: So nice to hear from you – your point of view about JWs is so intelligent and realistic. I remember being surprised to find that non-JWs could be good friends, and weren’t all bad, which is what I believed for a long time. There’s a little superiority in that feeling, too – everyone outside the organization is evil, and we’re so good. A lot of narcissism too – look at how good we are, how holy, how superior. With distance I realize that JWs are a narcissistic group, and more afraid of demons than of god, which is interesting, isn’t it? Anyway, I have found many better friends outside the org. than I did inside it. I remember when my mother came to my wedding (she stood outside the church and watched through a window), she said with surprise at the end of the weekend "Ramona’s friends are nice!"

I don’t actually believe in Buddhist doctrine, but I have learned a lot from the writings of the Dalai Lama about how to live, which has made me a much happier person. I really respect the Dalai Lama. Another book that really helped me is "Women Saints East and West." I learned something really important from that book – that although the doctrines were very different (Catholic, Muslim, Buddhist), these women had very similar lives. They all had an experience of the divine, meditated or prayed about six hours a day, and lived lives of service to others. The modern example is Mother Teresa. I couldn’t agree with her doctrinal beliefs, but she lived that life – an experience of the divine, six hours a day of prayer, and a life of service. Evidently god spoke to her in a train when she was a young woman. Then I got the big Aha! from a book by Alexandra David Neel. She went to Tibet early in the 20th century to learn from Tibetan Buddhist mystics. She spent a lot of time there, learning really difficult meditation practices, the short path. At the end, she asked the monks a couple of good questions. She asked if all that she had learned wasn’t just in her mind, not real at all. The monk said yes. Then she asked about people who couldn’t do the short path meditations, which were really hard and didn’t allow time for a person to earn a living or live a normal life. The monk said "then they have to live noble lives." I really got that. We don’t need doctrines, special clothing, special buildings, special rituals or a church hierarchy. We just need to try to do the right thing on a daily basis. That’s actually tougher than going through the motions of religion, but it’s also more rewarding.

You know, I haven’t said this much about my beliefs to anyone before now. Do you have a lot of ex-JWs bending your ear and unloading like this? If so, you’re a really compassionate person. I have been toying with a book on spirituality for people who don’t believe anything. One of these days I’ll finish it.

H: Yes, I do get a lot of email on these topics, but although compassion is a major path for me I think it is healing all around. It is, as you say, beneficial to communicate with someone who understands the issues involved and has a certain kind of common ground of insights and experiences. And I need to hear it as much as anyone else. It fills me with joy to see others who have found (or rediscovered) their own path. Thank you for sharing your experience here for others to read.

JW Chronicles – Predators, Justice, Help

JW Chronicles – Predators, Justice, Help

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There is something inherent in controlling authoritarian communities like the JWs that helps to produce – and serves in some ways to protect – sexual predators of all kinds and, for some reason, especially pedophiles. There was at least one such in my own congregation, who described me as a “perfect little doll” to my parents and who gave me the permanent creeps. He was in his seventies before any charges were made, but I knew deep in my heart that they had to be true. He was convicted – but although he is on lifetime parole, he appears to be a JW member in good standing and according to his stepdaughter even goes door to door and is available for bible studies to families. Three elders of my childhood knew about this (Richard V, Arnold E & Richard M) – and I was simply stunned, even now, to know that not only did they essentially do nothing to protect the children under their care (including me!) but that they didn’t even warn the congregation in any way. While Ralph was “disfellowshipped” for a short time, he simply moved from one congregation to another and in any case we were not told why he was being disciplined. In this case, the predator admitted his guilt and served… one year. This is only one of many such stories.

One of the elders mentioned above was someone that I trusted – he and his family were close friends with my family when I was young. I liked them. After my parents each had their various issues and ins and outs with the JWs, they were less friendly – but I always remembered a very happy time with them at the beach. It’s just another one of those little disappointments. I would have thought he might have done better.

With this going on, they were still pretty keen to accuse me of sexual misconduct based on testimonies from people never named to me – and I was innocent, but gossip spread like wildfire anyway. Yet in my own congregation this was happening and he was allowed to grab me at a wedding and dance “powerful close” to me, the scent of him with his horrible after-shave cologne and his greased hair, his body pressed close to mine making me want to scream and run away. And no one blinks. Here was this known abuser, this pedophile, this control freak, this sadist, walking around smiling. Then there’s me – supposedly this “rebellious youth” – singing Kingdom songs at the top of her lungs at every meeting, trying to be kind and good, being gossipped about and maligned and slandered. When I was later raped (by someone who was not a witness at least) do you think I would go to the JWs for help in a million years? No, I knew better. Because of their views on the nature of God, I even thought that I was being punished by Jehovah for not being more active, for not getting baptised, for asking questions, for not trusting the elders enough… So what DID help? Going to a female psychologist, just long enough to find different ways of thinking about things. Playing the piano. Drawing. Reading fiction. Writing things down to work them out. Taking walks. And, finally, making outside friends, finding outside interests. Most of all, for me, finding a more authentic spiritual path, and discovering – with the help of many fine teachers from all walks of life – how to ask better questions.

The official Watchtower site currently has an biblical quotation at the top of their site: “Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need.”—Matthew 5:3
Very ironic. One of their articles on child abuse states that

“AFTER using children to satisfy perverted lusts, after robbing them of their security and their sense of innocence, child molesters still want something else from their victims—SILENCE. To secure that silence, they use shame, secrecy, even outright terror. Children are thus robbed of their best weapon against abuse—the will to tell, to speak up and ask an adult for protection. Tragically, adult society often unwittingly collaborates with child abusers. How so? By refusing to be aware of this danger, by fostering a hush-hush attitude about it, by believing oft-repeated myths. Ignorance, misinformation, and silence give safe haven to abusers, not their victims. For example, the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops concluded recently that it was a “general conspiracy of silence” that allowed gross child abuse to persist among the Catholic clergy for decades.”

Is this for real? They talk about exactly what they did as silent complicit enables, and then point to the Catholic version? The next step is to talk about the responsibility of the child and his/her parents not to become an “ideal victim”? Sheesh. They do give some tips on protection, but there is no discussion of action at the level of the elders or the organziation. They are very careful. There isn’t even any reference here to their requirement for two witnesses. On the next article, they say (of course it’s “they” because we don’t know the author), “Isolation, rigidity, and obsessive secrecy — these unhealthy, unscriptural attitudes are trademarks of the abusive household.” Dear dear JWs – These are of course the very attitudes that they foster, and they are also the trademarks of the abusive congregation, the abusive religion…. While they claim that wife-batterers don’t often change, they seem to think that pedophiles (with an even more intractable cluster of problems) will. Meanwhile, there isn’t much of a sense from any of their articles here that they would encourage reporting the molestor to the authorities. There are a couple of throwaway lines about some victims or family members who might feel they should report it – just in terms of the laws of some places requiring it, but immediately they invoke the possibility that justice might not be served.

The truth of the matter is that JWs like secrecy and control. In many ways, they treat their people like children – and that family is not always a safe place to be. The propaganda wing at The JW Office of Public Information doesn’t have a contact form, but there is a phone number to call with questions should you be so inclined. Evidentally, they don’t want any kind of paper trail. It’s interesting that they have a separate number for journalists. For any kind of discussion you are redirected to the local level. They’ve got it all worked out – very neat.

If you want to understand more about this issue and why many people think that the organization bears some of the responsibility (and may even have restructured the corporation to prepare for lawsuits), check out Silent Lambs and the Watchtower News Service. They both have a lot of information.

For myself, I think that the pattern of abuse of all kinds (check out those news stories!) is a symptom of large, deep problems. I actually laughed out loud when I saw that they were doing things on the official site with the topic of women’s rights – wow, what a strange idea since in that group women are definitely second-class despite being in the majority in most congregations. They talk about their good works around the world – but look a little closer at what those good works actually entail in terms of “what” and “for who.” However they present their official “face” to the world, JWs are in fact taught to believe that the outside world is an inherently evil place and that all authorities of that world are controlled and ruled by Satan the devil. People in the congregation are taught to distrust all outsiders, including police, judges, and psychologists, and they are even encouraged to lie as a “theocratic war strategy.” While predators (especially male ones) seem to have avrious protections, heaven help the victims of abuse, the confused, the ones with psychological issues, the ones who want a deeper spiritual or intellectual understanding beyond rote repetition, or to have a dialogue or debate. None of the above have any resources in the group itself – none. They are on their own.

If you are a JW who has been physically or sexually abused – please – report it to the police and other appropriate authorities. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can only pray on it and wait for Jehovah. Don’t concern yourself about any so-called “disciplinary action.” You have to have a higher priority. First things first! Stop the abuse before it leads to further incidents – like rape, like murder. Protect yourself. Protect your children if you have them. Do not engage in any interior conversation about not trusting worldly authorities – get out, get help, report it to the police and, if you want, to the elders. There are women’s crisis centers in any moderately sized city. If you are paralyzed with indecision or fear, or even if you somehow feel that you “deserve” what is happening to you, call a hot line, get help. You are NOT on your own in this matter and you can get help. You are taking a big risk if you simply trust the organization to do this – their record is just…not exemplary.